Adult Child... living back at home :(

That's a damn shame to see a young kid (Yeah, KID) screw up his life already.

He's God DAMN LUCKY that you guys took him in and gave him another chance. What's that saying.... "Don't bite the hand that feeds you"

You've got a heavy burden on your hands. God help you and your husband for having such BIG HEARTS to try and help this kid. It's a damn shame this kid just doesn't understand just how much he NEEDS YOU - and he could screw that up in an instant.

Does he think he's Mr. Tough guy? You should find the best black belt karate instructor in town and challenge the two of them to a 'brawl' on the mats. See just how tough he is...... Then - hopefully, he'll get his ass kicked and want to learn some karate. I hear karate is good for discipline (so to speak).

 

I would say absofuckinglutely NO WAY!!! All that is being done here is to enable the overgrown pet to continue down the same path, as he is being given a safety net for his bad behavior.

 

I think there is something about getting a waiver depending on specifics but I don't think it's easy if it is possible at all, but the person has to be extremely desirable for the recruiter to go out of his way to help...but we tried to get him into the military when he was a senior in HS, he isn't able to score high enough on the practice ASVAB to even get in and no recruiters are going to spend time helping him with all the kids trying to get in that are far more capable than he is.

We have always kept them locked up and away from him anyway, but terms of his parole specify that he can't have access to weapons.

 

Yeah that's what I think also, he should be overly grateful that we are taking him in and should be asking what he can do for us...but he expects it! That pisses me off so much, this kid thinks he doesn't have to earn anything and that everyone owes him something, he has gotten away with way too many things in his life.
That is exactly it also, he doesn't acknowledge that he NEEDS us to survive right now.
Eh, he thinks he's a thug/gangsta but he doesn't think he is tough. He use to fight in school, but not since then. He said he was the smallest guy in the jail, so that probably intimidated him also.
Actually I think something like karate would be good for him, but he wouldn't do it. He doesn't do anything, he has no motivation to learn anything new or do anything with himself.

 

I just came across this website, it has some good advice and articles.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/

and an adult child section .
http://www.empoweringparents.com/category-Adult-Children.php

 

I can understand the father wanting to help his son out, but he really needs to sit down with him and explain that he thinks, letting this kid move back in will not only hurt him (he just won't learn), but it will also affect your relationship with his father. It will add stress to both of you and probably cause arguments about him.

Life is tough, the kid needs to learn the hard way, as difficult as that would be for a father to do to their son.

 

Someone likes drama... good luck

 

Whatever you do...... STAY STRONG and don't EVER let this kid break your heart & your will. Remember - you're the BOSS. Stand TALL and STAND FIRM.

I don't have any kids but I can only imagine what you're going through. Don't let this kid over-come your life and over-come your relationship/husband. Always remember, you're doing this FOR HIM and you can back-out anytime you want. There's only so much you can do to open up his eyes. If his little brain can't wake up and smell the coffee, then guess what? Maybe the guys in jail will straighten him out.

 

WWDPD?








What would Dr. Phil Do? Also, if you are really set on trading your life for working on this disastrous project. Get professional help instead of the free advice on a truck site - Jus' sayin'

And yes I do have some good insight to this - I had a number of foster siblings - the best is now a surgeon in Pennsylvania and the worst (had a similar personality as your project) lost his life to AIDS while living in Rahway State Prison in NJ (intravenous drug use and unsafe prison sex). I think the last charge that he was incarcerated for was something like beating the crap out of his girlfriend because she was pregnant and he wanted her to abort the child. She wouldn't abort the child so he did it himself by beating the living daylight out of her - and yes it did cause a miscarriage. My late dad was a saint to help some that were less fortunate but this one stopped him from ever inviting another foster child into his home. Good luck and find another project/hobby.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vekFSapjx0

 

Those people don't deserve to live.

 

get your boyfriend to look at this thread and especially at other stories people have had. I may be young but ive seen plenty of things like this with my girlfriends sister (pretty much just like this kid except in female form and has never been convicted of anything) and working at a summer camp which catered to all inner city kids whose parents paid my work to raise their children.


First step is there can be no leeway. period. 1 violation and hes out. if you make an exception one time, he has an excuse for next time something happens and will make you look like the bad guy because he was allowed to get away with it before and you're changing the rules. but also let this be known right off the bat.
tell him calmly and pleasantly that he's welcome in your home but that its only on your terms and if he can't follow your rules, he's off back to jail.

second, keep him busy. teach the kid to use a lawn mower. have him mow your lawn. have him weed- wack it, rake it, cut it with scissors. teach him to take pride in his work and make sure he knows he did a good job (if he did). have his dad help so he knows he isnt in it alone. see if you can get a neighbor or two to hire him as a landscaper and get him on a regular schedule.

a big point here is not to just make him your servant, but to work WITH him on everything you do. paint your house with him. it takes a long time but its a good time to bond and paint gives a clear sense of progress and its easy to see what you've accomplished with a clear end in sight.

the first few weeks should be spent at home. give him a set schedule that doesnt allow for time out alone. obviously he cant be trusted when left to his own devices so he has to stay with you.

from your banner, it looks like youre an offroader. take him out on a quad or dirt bike (preferably desert so he cant crash into anything) and get him into it. what guy doesnt like to go fast under his own control? limit his access to it so he cant get his fill and tell him that if he wants to ride more, he can buy his own. offer to split the cost with him so its a bit easier to work up to it. this gives him a sense of purpose for his work and mimics life in the real world of working hard to get what you want (and not stealing it). make sure he knows about maintenance and the costs associated with using that vehicle so he keeps working. introduce him to performance parts so hell never be able to stop working to get them

find some people that ride that you know and like and have him eventually spend time with them if possible. make sure you know who hes with and can trust them. after a couple of months or so, he has earned himself a little slack (hopefully). hes a kid and is going to get into trouble, just make sure its not something too serious.

if he uses drugs or alcohol, send him to rehab. if he misses it one time without discussing it with you before hand, he goes to jail.


this is all assuming everything goes according to plan, which you will realize very quickly, it won't. i am a firm believer in physical punishment however, i also dont recommend it and will never use it myself. making them feel bad about what they did is the best way to ensure it doesnt happen again. if you find out they stole something from a store, make them walk into the store, find the manager and tell them that they stole it and return the item. let the kid know that if the manager wants to arrest him or anything, its out of your control and he has to live with what hes done.

if you really want to get creative, make him stand in front of the store with a sign saying exactly what he did. good luck with that and ive never tried it but i can see it working wonders haha

the main thing is your boyfriend cant give him any slack. long talks of what happened, why, and what can be done are always a help

well those are my tips for now, keep us updated on what happens and well be sure to advise you in any way we can. best of luck to you and enjoy being a mother in the worst of conditions

 

send him to the MARINES!!!

 

Very good option - are they still taking felons? - One nice thing is if you are a felon and you like guns and they still take them on, it's one place that possessing and using a gun won't send you back to jail!!!

 

They have a waiver for everything these days.

 

Done and done - Problem solved!

 

Thanks, I've mentioned that a few times already.
We tried to get him into the military when he was in HS, any branch that would take him! My ex was a recruiter, so I'm fairly familiar with them and the process. I've helped tutor many kids who couldn't pass the test to get in....this kid can't even score high enough on the practice test to even get a recruiters attention! So, that on top of his criminal history and behavior issues takes the military out of the question. I'd LOVE for it to be an option, but I've looked into it and it isn't going to happen.

Yes, they have waivers, but you have to meet all kinds of other standards to qualify for a waiver...he does not meet any of the minimums to get into the military and has many points against him.

 

...

I'm by far trading my life for his, I take care of myself and always have. I can leave at any point I choose and never look back, this is not my child so I have no feelings for him and he will never take over my life. My efforts are not for this child, but for his father. I'm not the type of person to just walk out on the person I've chosen to spend my life with just because times got tough. He has to make 1 last effort for his child for his own reasons, I choose to respect his feelings since he is willing to include me and cares about my feelings and involvement. I'm willing to deal with it and make the effort for him, I've been through far worse in my life than this so I will be just fine.
We are going to seek help through professionals, but it also helps to hear other peoples opinions and experiences. I've gotten a lot of useful information from this thread and I appreciate those who take their time to read it and reply.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate, my sister and I had the same rough childhood and we are complete opposites in our success as adults.

 

Thank you again. Yes, I am doing this for the father, the man I choose to spend my life with....my efforts are not for the son anymore. I made an effort to help him before he chose to become a criminal and that was all the effort he deserved from me.
I don't ever see this kid becoming a productive member of society, I won't be surprised if he is back in jail in less than a year. If he proves me wrong then great, I have no issues admitting I was wrong.

 

Thank you for your input.
Good ideas for keeping him busy. I think there are a lot of things he can do around the neighborhood when he has nothing else to do for us. It won't be easy for him to get a job and be able to pay for things himself, so he should have to work for them. He's never had to work for things before, so it would be a good lesson for him. There are a lot of empty homes in the neighborhood that need to be cleaned up!

Yes, we are avid offroaders. He use to go out with us, but he doesn't have any respect for other peoples (our) property and has damaged a lot of our stuff with no remorse and no effort to make better. He couldn't follow rules and put not only himself, but others in danger so he was no longer welcome to ride with us. He didn't appreciate the effort it took from us for him to go out riding. He never took a liking for the sport, he had bikes of his own when he was younger also. He's fully aware of the costs and efforts associated with the sport as it is our passion and we have a very large amount of money and time invested into it. We belong to a very large group of offroaders and spend many weekends each year out riding/camping, he was involved with this and knows our friends. He has no desire to be involved along with his lack of motivation to do anything.
Not to mention he has about $10k in debt and fines waiting for him when he gets out, which he got from making the wrong choices and breaking laws, it will be a very very long time before he can even think about having something nice for himself. He had a car and destroyed it in less than 2yrs, he has no respect for property.

This isn't his 1st offense and it was pretty serious. He kicked in a door to a persons home and stole their stuff, that he what he got caught for...but he was doing all kinds of other things that he never got caught for or did get caught and the courts dropped the charges. IMO the justice system sucks, this kid has gotten away with way too many things. He's been in and out of Juvi and City/County jails on other charges, but they let him off easy. This was the 1st felony he got caught and charged with, but it wasn't the 1st that he committed....and I believe it won't be the last. He has no remorse, no empathy, he has no feelings.

He touches drugs or alcohol and it won't be rehab, it will be jail again. I wonder how long he can stay clean, he's been arrested for drugs before, but it didn't teach him anything.

Thanks for your input.