Joke of the Day

After 135 pages who knows if this has been told, but here goes:

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster man and a prostitute with diarrhea?
































One shucks between fits.

 

A little long...

THE AUDIT...

Myron Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of Audit from the IRS. It really upsets him and he called his accountant, Saul Meyers.

Myron (pleading): "Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?"

Saul (calming): "Myron, don't worry about it. I've got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it's no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice.

​

When you go to the audit make a bad.impression Wear dirtiest clothes you've got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look
​

shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they'll go easy on you."

Then Myron called his Lawyer, Charlie Steinberg.

His Lawyer said: "Myron, it's no problem, I'm sure they got the receipts, I’m sure everything is up to date, you've got a great accountant, don't worry
​

about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit, it's very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your
​ ​

shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go
​

easy on you."

And now he's torn. And that night he bumped into his Rabbi at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story.

Rabbi: "Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride's father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a
​

nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe...cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, 'Don't be silly. Wear a low cut "negligee" with the cleavage sticking out -- look a little sexy'……….and, Myron, I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you're gonna' get fucked".

 

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]A guy walked in to a psychiatrist's office naked. The psychiatrist said: "Well, I can clearly see *you're nuts."


(*your- this joke is better when spoken)
[/FONT]

 

Did you hear about the big Viagra heist?



































The cops are looking for hardened criminals.

 

Here's a list of groaners that my friend posted on facebook...
http://www.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-so-terrible-theyre-actually-funny-14-is-gold

I couldn't get the image to paste in, sorry.

 

Here you go....

 

Thanks Chip, my computer was not cooperating this morning...

 

A Husband and his Wife went to the Doctor.
The Doctor took the Husband in first.
The Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his Blood Pressure and other things, and finally told him he
would see his Wife now.



He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.


He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said - Ok you can get dressed now, I will talk to your Husband.
>
Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the Husband - You can relax!

There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection
either!!

 

Her: "Let's each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can't get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who's yours?"
Me: "The babysitter"
.....and that's when the fight started.

 

in the same vein as #9 ^^

A nurse walks into the doctor's office and says "Doctor, the invisible man is up front in the reception room, claims he has an appointment."
The doctor says "Tell him I can't see him now."

 

That should read, "if he was still "unmarried"."
Then it makes sense.

 

I was wondering about that.

 

How? If he's married, he'd have to find another one worth divorcing his current one (and thus losing half his shit) for.

 

OK , I can see your logic trail.
I was taking it down that he already had all his stuff & had not found someone worth giving them half after the inevitable divorce down the line.

 

To me it sounded like he'd been down this road before.... lol

 

What's the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?















When you make a deposit at a sperm bank you lose interest!!

 

REPOST - First page even...check post #18...

On the pirate theme...

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender takes a look at him and says, "Evening, Captain. Where are your buccaneers?"

The pirate looks the bartender in the eye and replies, "Argghhh...under my buckin' hat!"

 

The past, present and future walk into a bar.











It was tense.