Two guys are hiking in the scrub land, and they decide to take a break. One guy sits down on a rock ledge to rest.
He doesn't realize that there is a diamondback under the ledge, and as he is standing up, the snake strikes, and bites him in the crotch.
He's rolling around on the ground moaning and yells at his buddy " It bit me on my dick! "
Well, he's obviously in great pain, and his buddy realizes that they don't have any med kits or anything. And it's nearly 20 miles back to their truck.
So he says " hey, there was a cabin back there several mile back. Everybody says there's an old codger that lives there, maybe he'll know what to do!"
"I can't walk, man!" the victim says "It hurts too much to even stand up! You go! Hurry!"
So the guy takes off running the six miles back to the cabin. It's really hot outside, and the guy has to stop frequently to catch his breath and rest. He finally makes it back to the cabin after what seemed like hours, and finds the old man sitting on a picnic table outside the cabin, with a bottle of Beam in hand.
"Hey old timer!" he says, " My buddy's been bitten by a rattler, and he needs help!" The hiker explains where this happened, and how far he had to run back to get to the cabin.
"Have you got any meds or anti-venom, or anything that would help?"
The old guy swigs the bottle, and the hiker sees that it was the last bit of whiskey in the bottle. The old guy is obviously drunk as hell, his eyes are red and puffy, and he is swaying back and forth at the table.
"No," says the old codger. "Won't help anyway."
"What?" asks the hiker.
"From what you say, you've been gone a couple of hours, and it'll take nearly that long to get back. Yer friend ain't got but one chance now."
"What's that?" asks the hiker.
"Here, take my knife. says the codger. "You got to cut him, and suck the poison out! It's his only chance".
With that, the old guy stands up and passes out, sprawling on the dirt, unconscious.
The hiker takes the knife, and heads out back to find his ailing buddy.
Finally, after nearly another two hours he gets back, he finds his friend laying back, leaning on some rocks, looking really pale and weak. "Did you find somebody to help?" the weak hiker asks.
"Yeah," he says, " I found the old guy. He seemed to know all about snake bites."
"What did he say," the victim croaks weakly.
"Well", his buddy says, " I'm really sorry man, but he says your gonna die!"