For those of you familiar w/MREs - MRE dinner date

Not sure if y'all have seen this yet. I was in tears by the end of reading it.

MRE (Meals Ready to EAT )Dinner Date

I have been told the following is a true story....told from the point of view of a young Marine. ? ? ? our veterans out there will have to answer this...................

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, my girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" fordinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories.

Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, and three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash.

I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (Yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for 4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that).
It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Iraq).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the McCoy PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.


She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite (letting out air) punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the
toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, a thunderous bust of air and what sounded like a really wet one came from the bathroom, she didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't have a BM for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall.

She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.


It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that was the first time she'd ever pooped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know .. I'm a Butthead, but it was still a fun night.

 

I'm crying right now....that was GREAT..!!

 

Wow that's funny

 

Just woke up my kids laughing my ass off on this one. Funny stuff and thanks for posting!!

 

Seen it before.

Still makes me smile.

 

I make MRE's for my wife she loves them! that story was great good stuff brother

 

rep for making me laugh for the first time today.

 

Oh man thats hilarious. I could never get my old gf to eat the main meals but she liked the snacks that came in them though. I dont mind them at all, after eating them for so long me and my buddies actually have some good mixes of them.

 

LMAO! That's funnier than hell! I take MRE's on all my hunting trips

 

Mre's ftw

 

That was hilarious.... embarrassing, but funny Some of them aren't that bad.

 

I broke out some MRE's when my wife and I were camping one year. I wont make that mistake again.

 

Not sure where the myth comes from that MRE's have 3,000+ calories, but the ones I have seen have the nutrient information on them just like any other food and they have more like 700 calories, including everything in the bag.

I'll read the rest of the story now

 

i hate MRE never wanna see ripits or otis spunkmeyer muffins again for those of you who know or have lived off any of their contents!!!!!!!!!!