Adult Child... living back at home :(

This title is very misleading.
I was about to come in and give a lot of great advice.

I read a little summary of his past & present problems.

This is "NOT" an easy matter to deal with. IT all boils down to how bad "HE" wants to make the change in society. I've been there, done that. No one can change him but himself.

Good Luck and I can only imagine your actual emotion position.
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This story sounds similar to my own 25 year old son. He has done jail time and has no respect for himself or anyone else. Sometimes you just have to let people go and go on with your life. If I were you, I wouldn't let this kid in your house. He isn't going to change his ways and it's only going to cause trouble between you and your spouse.

 

Pretty challenging situation. I wish the best for you. I have no experience with this sort of thing. I know that people need to know what's expected of them and what the consequences will be if expectations are not met. For instance, if he can't find a job are you going to feed him for free or are you going to make him do a certain chore to earn the food. You expect him to pull his weight, right? Make it known.

It may sound cliche but what about a 3 stike rule? An agreement that states if he messes up 3 times in that house he's out. You could even put it in writing and have everyone sign it. The key with any agreement is for everyone to stick to their guns and follow through with whatever action is neccessary whether that be praise or criticism.

That's good. It sounds like you both will need to rely on each other for strength on this.

Sorry if anything I said came off as lame or obvious. I really do hope this turns out ok for you and yo man.

 

well put.your better off giving him money towards renting an apartment.

 

Might welcome him with an exit strategy in-mind already. Setup a savings account to be used to get him an apartment. The best advice I can give is to COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, then when you think you all know how each feels COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE. It's much more difficult to have hard feelings when everyone is communicating.
I liked the idea of positive reinforcement, BUT, be careful! Remember, that he may try to manipulate the situation so that you let your guard down.
This may be difficult, but see if you can't find something that he was interested in that may turn into an occupation for him. This will require that you get to know him so that he'll open up & talk about personal stuff. Let him know that you can learn to trust him, but it is NOT just given, but earned.

I wish you all the best of luck!

 

Sorry to say this. But I have to agree. And this could potentially affect the future of you and your BF.

 

I appologize for not reading this whole post but in my house and if I were you, the choice would be simple. Me or the son. If he chose the son I would feel blessed that a disrespectful felon would not be affecting my life. If he chose me I would feel blessed that my partner could see the same. There are many things that can make a child disrespectful including drug use, parental influence, psychological issues (which can be a result of the prior issues). Unless you are a psychiatrist that needs a project or Mother Teresa, I would excuse yourself from this mess... But that is me. Other people like chaos in their life and get some strange high from this type of environment. I don't think it is healthy and when I am on my death bed I will not be saying "You know, I wish I had more chaos, drug use and social abuse in my home."

Good luck and I hope that God blesses this situation

 

If the son is not kicked to the curb than it will just be a terrible situation for you.

 

Or give it a month or so and who knows, he could be back in jail. There are a lot of repeating offenders and if they are stuck in that way of life more than likely they will be back within a few years.

 

pray

 

i have a story sorta from a 3rd person point of view

when my family lived in california on Beale AFB there was this one guy my dad worked with who had a son that was always up to no good. underage smoking and drinking and such. been caught a few times but never recieved more than a slap on the wrist. well the year before his dad retired he got caught up in prescription drugs and such and that was the final straw i guess for the dad. he put him in rehab like 3 times and each time he returned to the drugs. well after the 3rd or 4th time the dad had finally had enough and he took him to the MP's and turned his own son in for illegal posession or something. he got put in jail for a few months and when he got out he got a job and it seemed like he was doing better. well a few weeks ago dad got a call from the dad again and it turns out his son was caught stealing a car while under the influence of some prescription drugs. he violated his parole and is now serving 8-12 years in a state prison.

Some people you just can't do anything for and they seem hellbent to screw up their lives. try to survive and if it comes to it don't feel bad about turning him in for something. He has been given a 3rd chance that i know i sure as hell wouldnt get

 

Thanks for sharing your experience, I'm glad you have learned and changed. This kid has been in and out of juvi/jail since he was old enough to go, I don't think any of this has been a wake up call for him which is why I believe he will continue to commit crimes.
My bf has pulled the 'it's my kid' card in the past, I don't think he is going to go there anymore though. He is sincerly asking me to help him now and wants me involved. He knows he can't do it alone and needs my support.
He tried to join the Union before, I'm honestly not sure what happened. Will have to look into that again.

Bedroom has always had a padlock on it, he doesn't have access to the mail box, weapons are in a safe, he will be randomly tested...He's expected to be out all day looking for jobs and bringing applications home to prove it and we will see what we can do about him paying for things, we were talking about making him buy his own food.

Nope, not here.

 

read the 1st page, so not sure if this was already brought up.

As one who does and has worked with some troubled youth, I think a larger issue may be having his father (your BF) follow through. Children today are VERY smart as to knowing who they can can who they cannot get away with things.

As you have said that he "knows" not to mess with you, he may know that his dad won't do anything. That makes things even harder.. just my 2 pesos.

 

I read through some of this post but if someone already mentioned this oh well......................send him to a 1/2 way house...........dont take him in......my guess is that he will be back in jail b4 you know it........good luck

 

Well said, thanks.
He isn't entitled to anything in my opinion, he should feel greatful that he has a place to come to. He didn't want to come here cause he knows there will be rules, but he couldn't find anywhere else to go and got denied for going into transitional housing. I agree we need plan a-b-c-d, but most important is follow through. Yeah the what if he chooses not to follow the rules and push the boundaries, he has no place to go but IMO that is not our problem that is his to deal with. His PO said to call him if he misbehaves in any way and that we are free to kick him out at any point and he will ship him back to jail for any violation, I hope he is being honest.
I think having expectations is most important and I think giving him a say in what those should be and what his rules/consequences should be will help him feel like he actually has a say in his life and maybe start helping him make better decisions in life. Yes, everything he does is his choice and he has to understand that with those choices there are consequences.
He isn't 30+ living at home....yet! I tell this to my bf all the time, fix it now or he will be mooching off you for the rest of his life!

This forum has always been a good sounding board for life advice, I expected both sides of the argument and appreciate anything constructive that people have to say. Maybe we are jumping the gun, but I'd rather expect the worst and get better and expect the best and be disappointed.

 

Good for you, though it doesn't sound likely, maybe this is that 2nd (or 3rd 4th 5th...) chance he needs to get himself on his feet. But I think it's not only the right thing for you two to open your home to him, but the hard thing to do that you know is right. I hope this all works out for all of you. Good luck, and I'm sorry I can't offer more.

 

I'm familiar with the landlord/tennant laws locally. I don't know that a lease would really help though, cause we would have to follow through with the civil court and that would be more cost and hassle than its worth. The kid already has like $10k in fines and collections. We would be able to kick him out without a problem, because he doesn't have to means to fight us in court about it. A contract between us and him might be better, I'll be thinking about this.
I'll be on the phone immediately if he commits any crimes, not an issue there!
Being creative with the simple house rules might work, we have thought about those things before, basically treating him like the child he is acting like. I don't know that it is the most constructive thing to do, but it might just come down to that.
He won't be able to drive, his license is suspended due to an accident he had without insurance. He still has to go to court on that and then he'd have to come up with all kinds of money to pay fines. He is going to have to take public transportation and pick up a bike. He's been spoiled with having a car since he was 16 so he isn't going to like this at all, but he has to realize all of that is due to the choices he made for himself.

 

I absolutely agree......thanks.

Even without a lease he will have the same rights of a tenant in this state and would legally need to be evicted anyway, but he doesn't have the means to take us to court about it anyway so we aren't concerned about that.

I agree he shouldn't be given anything for free and should at least have to work for everything including food, good point, I will mention this and try to come up with something.
3 strikes rule seems fair and having it written out would help.
Thanks.

The problem has alway been the bf not following through, we are trying to make sure he can do it now without any trouble. He needs to be prepared and stick with it. The kid knows how to take advantage of his dad, but he also knows that his dad is going to come to me now and I will try my hardest to make him not give in. The kid knows how I feel about him and that it's been me that has caused his Dad to change and be harder on him, but it's for his own good rather he sees that now or not.

He got denied to the 1/2 way house/transitional housing unit.

 

Best of luck to you and the bf Kristin. I have not been through anything like this with my boys, so can't give advice on that, but....

Sounds like your bf needs some counseling to get through the issues about his son, so he will be able to tough love the kid, and you guys can present a unified front...

 

I cant give advice but as far as job opportunities... doesn't the army take felons? Military is a good mix of rules and lack of rules.