This is a copy and past of parts of a PM but I think some parts of this are equally important for others that may be going through the same thing:
For my problem there was no easy or clear cut fix. Each person and each circumstance is different. But I do know this... You have only two options. You either have to want to make a change and stick with it or you have to hit rock bottom. Those are your only two options. I know that is probably not what you want to hear (I know I wouldn't want that answer given to me but it's true unfortunately). For me, I had to hit rock bottom. That was my only way out. I hope anyone going through this can find a better way than I did.
When I went to the restaurant that day I don't believe that I had any control over what I was doing or planned to do that day. I remember the drive to the restaurant like it was just any other day but in my pockets I had a bottle of Xanax and Percocet so subconsciously I had a plan. I was high before I even arrived. Add alcohol to the mix and.... well... you know the outcome. I was at the end of my rope and didn't have the strength to climb back up. That day I gave up. But that day I got lucky also as strange as that sounds. I was unsuccessful at whatever attempt I was making and got a second chance. My best friend didn't get that chance on Dec. 23 2011. But I knew the next day when my wife of almost 13 years came home and I couldn't look her in the eyes that was the turning point. She had put up with a lot of my shit but I could see it in her eyes that this was the last straw. My wife and I don't fight. We didn't fight that night she came home and nothing was really said. Her face said it all. Add to the fact that I scared my (then) 7yr old daughter to death because she didn't know what was going on that was the motivation for me to make a change.
From that point forward I made it my mission to get clean and sober. Like some of you I was terrified. What started off as a hobby to me (I love craft beer) turned into a nightmare in a instant. I saw how fast depression and all the vices that come with it took hold and i was scared. I made a promise to my wife that day that I would never do that again but you can imagine her skepticism but true to my word I have kept that promise. I will not lie to you and tell you it is truly a day to day process. I have my good days and bad days like everyone else. But rather than coming home and grabbing a beer / drugs I just deal with it as hard as that is sometimes. The shame of what I've done is too great to go back to where I was and I have now told so many people my story that I would literally have to travel out of state to buy beer so I wouldn't run into anyone while doing so lol.
This is my daughter when she was almost 5. I had just built her a swing set in the back yard for her birthday. These are some of my favorite pictures of her but there is something that you can not see in the pictures that only I know about (and now all of you). I was drunk off my ass when I took them. Camera in one hand, beer in the other. I barely remember taking them and that is a shame because of the admiration you can see in her eyes. If she only knew.
I missed about 3 years of her life growing up that I will never get back and for that I will feel guilty the rest of my life. All I can do is move forward and look to the future. I can not change the past.
But I will say this. It is hard sometimes but even my worst days are better than the alternative. I still tuck her in bed every night and spend more time with my family (like I should have done in the first place) so that takes the place of the vices I once held on to. I blame my Profession on a large part of what happened and it is true. But I would be lying if I blamed it all on it. Yes, there are some things that I will never be able to get out of my head but I could and should have handled things in a much more productive way. So for that I take full responsibility.