Sobriety.... One year later... Please Read.

Kudos to you for getting sober and posting this. I have fought addiction with alcohol off and on since I was 16. I am turning 25 next month, and I hope I can finally put the bottle down.

 

This is the kind of self reflection that anyone who is dealing with depression or PTSD needs to come to. As a First Sergeant in the Air Force, I have seen many of young Airman struggle to face the deamons within, and many of them feel guilt or shame for having such feelings which keep them for seeking help. If only they could be so strong to share their feelings, would we as a Service reduce our issues with suicide. Part of the issue is with any career field whether it be Fire Fighter, Police, Military...whatever, the competitive/alpha type nature of the job almost creates the mindset of weakness if you need help which is totally untrue.

Thanks for sharing your experience with all and giving us something positive to take away. Good luck

 

Just wanted to say Thank you for sharing. I to have suffered from PTSD since the early 80's. military sf from 78-82. Lately I've had some traumatic events in my life. Moved to Vegas to take care of my parents in 09. Both elderly and ill. Lost both within 2 years of each other. Set my world upside down emotionally and physically. I've been drinking more and more . Last Friday my new wife of two years went to a wedding. I got hammered and don't remember the rest of the night. She said I berated her verbally. No recollection. I'm ashamed and hurt for hurting her. I'm done with the Drinking and pain meds.5 back surgeries, knee, hands, and shoulder, due to military lifestyle. It wasn't by coincidence that I ran upon your post. I needed to read this and have it sink in. PTSD is real and can fuck your life up. There is no time frame to mark the end or beginning. To all reading this, it does help to talk about it. Many years of consoling, and it rears its ugly head still. From a grateful tacohead. Thanks.

 

First Id like to thank you for your service Capt. From a fellow fireman, Id like to say that there are those calls that we all simply can't laugh off. No matter how hard we try to be strong on the outside, we what see on the job is never easily forgotten. Id like to say that not many of us realize what you realized that day. Being in the fire service, it really takes a strong family support system and you Sir defiantly have that.
There are those calls that we will go on that we will never forget however its how we deal with them that truly makes the difference. I remember a few years back, our Eng got dispatched out to an unconscious unresponsive around 5am. When we arrived on scene we found a middle aged man slumped over on the toilet with his paniked adult son holding him up. After doing our initial, we pulled him off the toilet and started working him up. Later that day we found out he didn't make it. Yea, we may think just another unconscious unresponsive call however, it really hit home because that was almost a carbon copy of how my dad found my grandpa when he passed away 20 years ago. As soon as I saw the man and his son, I started getting flashbacks on scene and seeing my dads face on the distressed son and while I was doing cpr, I couldn't help but think about my grandpa.
That call really hit me hard, its funny how there are things we see, people getting hit by trains, gang related gsw's... that we can sorta forget but certain calls just stay with us. I really held that one in for about 4 months, it wasn't until I really broke down and shared it with my fiancé did it really make me feel a little better.
Anyways, sorry about the vent but the point I am trying to get across is that we don't realize how important a strong family really plays a part in our lives, our wives, fiances, girlfriends, moms, dads, brothers, sisters..... all being there for us and us being there for them in the end is the key to a successfull career and healthy life.
Capt, You have my full respect.

 

It's strange the things we see that bother us. You kind of touched on something that I have given a lot of thought too the last year or so. Out of all the horrific things that I have seen and been a part of I have "usually" been able to distance myself from the situation. No one can process what it feels like to pull a 2 year old boys head out from underneath a semi truck fender after it has ripped a car in half because two idiots were racing and cut his young mother off into the path of the truck. You can't process what it feels like to pull 6 children out of a fire and not be able to save just one of them. And I think because you can't process those types of situations it makes it much worse when you do have a emotional connection with a patient like I had on 9/11/11.

I didn't know that I was developing a problem until it was much too late. I should have recognized the signs but I don't think I was looking. When I did try to get help I found out pretty quick that sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. It wasn't until I had my "moment of clarity" that I was able to make a change. I hope by posting some of this I can keep at least one person from going through what I went through. I still have my days. Today hasn't been a especially good day but it is still better than the alternative.

Thank you for all that have posted. It helps believe it or not.

 

Grats man. That's good to hear.

 

I'll be 29 years sober this January,trust me it get's easier. Thank you for your service.

later tig1

 

congrats to you !!!!! as a recovered addict ,my wife and I got clean together form meth and coke and you know what LIFE IS GREAT !!!!!!!!!! we are alive and able to not only feel it but enjoy it too

 

Congratulations to you guys also. It takes much effort as you well know and it's good to hear success stories to let everyone know that there is always hope.

 

congrats man. thanks for sharing your story!

 

Thank you and no problem.

 

Thank you to all the Mods for making this a Sticky! My hope is that it will have a positive outcome and help any in need.

 

Big thanks to the mods for making this a sticky!

 

Continued strength and happiness Brother, please accept a firm handshake and a clap on the shoulder.

 

Thanks Brother!

 

I just happened onto your thread because I saw it underneath your new truck in your sig. I've been out IOD for a year and a half now, and only this long because the city's insurance has been dicking me along with authorizations for surgery and PT. Anyway, I have been so anxious and angry about the whole process, that I asked my chief if I could go to therapy to talk it out. I couldn't sleep more than 2 hours a night, if that, because I couldn't shut my mind off worrying if I would be medically retired or if my life would be forever changed because of my injury.

Anyway, over the course of those sessions, I've been diagnosed with PTSD as well. I think alot of us in emergency services have it, it just doesn't get talked about. I wasn't self-medicating, I was turning it inward and suppressing it, mostly because we should just "suck it up" and that's the way it is. It was making me angry and bitter. After 21 years, I was the salty old vet, I'll just put it this way, what's seen cannot be unseen.

Anyways, it's amazing what talking it out has done for me. I physically and mentally feel great. I'd just throw it out there for anyone, but especially the folks in emergency services, don't be afraid to seek therapy. Just getting it off your chest and out of your mind makes it that much less stressful. I actually look at my IOD as a blessing in disguise, I would never have sought help if I didn't have so much time on my hands now.

 

Believe me my friend... I understand exactly what you are talking about. I have come to the conclusion that I really don't care what others think about me on the job. But to my surprise the response to my story has been greatly accepted and there have been so many people open up because I just lay it all out there now. I am a open book. I have nothing to hide anymore (obviously) but like you I find that just talking about it and getting it off your chest is therapy in itself.

I won't lie though and say that sometimes I feel like I am doing it all myself and I sometimes still feel like "who is helping me?" "I'm helping everyone that I can but who is helping me?". I have lost some friends because I don't drink anymore and I assume that they are either afraid or unsure how I will act around them while they are drinking. In reality I could care less if they do. I would just enjoy their company again but maybe in time.

But I ran across a friend today that I had talked to a few weeks ago and he knew everything that had happened to me. He said he is making a effort to stop drinking and I hope he can. I just hope he doesn't have to go through what I went through to do so.

Depression and PTSD is a hell of a thing to live with. But it is much easier now that I have figured out what my triggers are and how to deal with them. Sometimes I feel like less of the man I used to be but the reality of it is... this is just the way life is now. Once that dam breaks everything changes. If I could come back from that brink then I consider myself one of the lucky ones.

I wish you well my friend!

 

Thanks for sharing your story. Congrats on getting sober and getting help.

Thanks for doing the job you do.

 

Man congratulations on getting your life back on track. And major appreciation for you for putting it all out there. Thank you for your services. And keep fighting the good fight.

 

Thank you!