It been a long time

Some of you know what I am going through, it is hard to explain. I have put some things to paper in the past few months. I hope you can read them through my eyes.

The Mask​

Dead as dead can be, I am thrust into a life torn. A life with that some would call perfect. The masks of life are worn so people cannot see the bitterness and scars of the everyday living.​

In the rising of the sun the masks are removed, the true face of life is shown. You have now turned into something you thought never could be. The love, the joy, and happiness are now replaced with the mask of despair, hurt, and anger.​

The ones around you have left; you now look at masks that are broken. You try to put the pieces back together, but they do not fit. You must now wear your true face. ​

As you look into the mirror, what you see in the reflection is not you, the dark under the eyes, the sag in the skin. The life has been removed from you like a tree with no sun.​

This face is not my own, you try to remove the mask; you claw at your face this must be removed, no. I will wear it, they will see. As days go by, the mask bears more pain, scars from the past have now come to light. This is me.​

In the blinking of an eye, the face has changed, what is this. The glow is coming back; things of the past are gone. The joy and the love of life and someone in it have changed it. ​

You wear this with great pride; you have turned into a new person. This is wonderful; I want so much to keep it. The joy on this face is seen by many, they look at you as a new man. They see things in your face that they have never seen before. ​

Time goes by; this is so unbelievable, having something new, with such a true meaning. I am happy, my life has taken a turn for the better, I am truly blessed.​

But what is this, a piece of mask, these were all tossed out. As hours and days go by you start finding other pieces. I do not understand, why am I feeling this hurt, a hurt that runs so deep. I cry in pain but nothing shows on the outside. I am tossed about, I shake, and the lack of food has made me weak. The long awake hours see the sun go down and it comes back up.​

No, this is not right, this will eat me alive. I have done everything right; I showed my true face with no mask. Why am I not accepted, why is this here now. Something is wrong.​

I rush to see my face, as I look in the mirror; I see this man happy and full of joy, sure in his life and what he wants. I see the future and what it holds. ​

But what is this, I am not crying, but I see a tear. I wipe it off, but many more follow. Oh no, this can’t be. I take my fingers to the sides of my face, I dig and claw, I feel my fingers going under my skin. As I pull I see something I do not want to see. In a swift motion I pull off this new mask.​

I throw it to the floor, it shatters into pieces. I do not want to look, I still have the pain so deep inside, I feel like I am nothing in this life. I have so many things but the one thing I want the most feels as if it is so far from me. Why can’t I have love, the joy that comes with it? The feeling of being wanted for who and what I am. I need to look to see who this is, what mask if any is now on my face. These tears need to stop, I need to turn this.​

I must look, for days I passed without looking, I know something is wrong. But the looks I get from people they see something, the mask they wear is one of being afraid. They pass me without a word.​

This is it I need to see, I reach down deep, making my way through all these feeing to get the courage to look. As I stand there I say this is it, I close my eyes, then open them quick. What I see is​

Nothing​

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It’s all new​

When you lose a loved one you go through a time of mourning. A time to try and figure out what you are to do with your life. You are thrown in a part of yourself that is all new, the things you knew are now gone. The hopes and dreams you have had all but faded away. You are left with being empty, the joy and the happiness are gone.​

Then there comes a point in time when you find that other person. You begin to feel emotions that you have not felt in a long time. You begin to share these feelings, but everything is all so new. You try so hard to express your love but at every turn you are faced with old walls that never seem to come down, these walls are not your own. You feel as if your heart is being ripped from your chest. The not sleeping, the not eating and every thought is of the person and what is going on, this is all new.​

You begin to think if you have a problem, is the love accepted, you get small glimmers of hope and at times the full rays of love, only to have them cast into a shadow. Have I said something, did I do something wrong, it is all so new and I do not understand. I am confused, with no real way to express how I feel. ​

The thought of being rejected is more than any person can take, since once you had love and it was taken from you, now you have love, and it is being cast aside it is all so new.​

You try and hold on, you talk, write and are assured everything is fine and they love you the same. You get the feeling of being alone even when there are swarms of people around, why is it all so new.​

You have put this person to the front of you heart, everything, even your life you would give up for them, and yet you feel as if you take second seat.​

They have lived a life that is different from yours, true love is so hard to find yet alone have, and maybe they have never had or felt it. ​

It is all new to me, but something is not right. I feel as if it all is one sided. Is my head playing games with me, why are words spoken and then not followed through on? I find myself looking for things that most likely are not there. I cannot take this pain, I had true love and it was taken; now I have found it again and it is passed off.​

What will people think, are you a failure? Do you not know how to love? This pain I can no longer take. It is better not to live than not to have love. This can all go away, you will awake with a peace like never before. But why is it all new?​

As you sit you ponder the life you lived the joy you had felt, the heat of the sun, the cold of the fresh fallen snow. You realize the thing you want the most you cannot have. As tears fill your eyes, you cry out.​

Enough, the pain I can no longer take. This is NOT new, you reach over to the drawer, and you pull the pistol out. You think of days gone by, and what you lost, this too is not new. You put the pistol to your mouth, close your eyes and pull the trigger.​

The pain is now gone.​

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BUT you open your eyes, no, no one is worth this. ​

I will turn it into hate.​

I will make everyone else feel my pain.​

Then maybe I will find my true love.​

This will be all new.​

 

The Hall​

As I entered the long hallway I saw the first door. As light shined from under the door I noticed it was cracked. I knocked on the door; I then knocked again with no answer. I wanted to look in but decided not to.​

As I walked down the hall I came to another door. The light shined bright through the crack in the door, much brighter than the last. I knocked on the door; I am going to enter this one. But I decided to knock again. Still no answer, and thought to myself just move on.​

Down the hall I noticed a door with such a bright light coming through every inch of the door, someone is here I told myself, surely I will go in. I knocked, and then knocked again. Finally I knocked with my fist, still no one answer.​

Tired I said I am done, the knocking is doing no good. I looked down the hall and noticed a dim light, as if a candle was burning behind it. I knocked with an ever light touch. The door opened, standing there was a man in plain clothes and he asked me where I had been,” I have been waiting for you, come in and have a seat”. As I sat down, the room was empty with only two chairs, a small table with a candle burning.​

He began to speak to me in a soft voice, Bill he said, you were here before, we talked for long periods of time. You were happy and very comfortable, and then you left. But now you have returned, and I am happy. But why did you leave he asked.​

I did not know I left, then thinking to myself I realized maybe I did. Life was so happy and I did have joy. Now heart ache, turmoil, and bitterness had entered. I am so sorry I left; I did not realize that I needed to be here all the time.​

Bill, he stated you do not have to come down the hallway all the time. I have placed these doors here; you knocked at many, but did not enter. When the correct door in your life opened I opened it for you.​

But that is not why I am here at this door. You cried out to me, I showed you many things and I answered you swiftly, do you remember. You became to free in your walk, and in doing so, the heart ache and bitterness entered.​

You are so correct, I answered. I tried to do things on my own, I feel as if I am not close to you anymore.​

All you have to do is seek me and you will find me, no matter what you ask I will answer. But you must remember the answer may not be what you like.​

I asked, then why is that you answer prayers and I am not close to you. ​

I do this so you see I am here, that you will understand that no matter what I am here. ​

I am sorry Lord will you please forgive me, yes He said, I did a long time ago. ​

Now get up, this door was opened for you for a reason, a reason you already know. You will now have the joy I have set for you. ​

As I got up, He smiled at me, as I look through the door I was amazed at what I seen. A new life, with joy, and love like never seen before. ​

Before I went in He said, remember I am here in the big things and the little things. Come to me for the answers you seek, and I will answer you.​

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The Clearing​

The path was a hard one; I have been on many paths in my life, on the road, in the woods doing what I love to do. This path was like no other, the thickets, briars, and the bushes and trees that have thorns’ like no other.​

As I walked I came to a small clearing, odd I thought to myself, thick grass and a wood bench. I sat down to look at what I had just come through. As I look at my clothes, they are ripped, my arms, legs, hands and I wipe my brow I am bleeding.​

As I look I see the blood coming from areas with no pain, I notice scars I have never seen before, as I look at them they fade away and a new ones appears. I am a little scared, I do not know where I am at but yet I do not panic. I just look with amazement of what I am seeing. ​

As I rest I feel a tap on my shoulder, do you mind if I sit here a voice stated. I was shocked to see another person here. I said sure, as he came around me, I noticed he was an older man, dressed in the standard garb.​

As I looked at him he was not scratched up or bleeding, I did a look around to see if I had missed a path somewhere.​

He then began to talk to me, that was a rough trip wasn’t it. I see that you went through the thick stuff. I looked at him like he was making a joke. Is there a better path I asked? He smiled and said no there is not. ​

What are you doing way out here he asked, what made you come all this way just to get cut up and bleed. I replied, I had lost something, something so close to me but yet I had to let it go. And everything seems pointless, this life I have no longer has any meaning.​

Hum, he said. I know all about that, but why are you here. Did you not get the answers you asked the Lord Himself for?​

Yes I did, but you do not understand. This is all new, things come to light and then I am stuck with feelings I should not have. I tell you what I get really upset, seems like so much disappointment even after what had happened.​

The man looked at me with a strange look; he sat there with his fingers crossed into each other. He then spoke again; you do not need to be here. You got on your face many times and cried out to the Lord for help. He picked you up and carried you through everything. Now he has given you a new life, what you thought you would never have again, He gave it back to you 10 fold.​

I stated in a loud voice, but it is all new. Why must I begin again, the feelings of things I have not felt in a long time?​

You still do not see, he stated. The he moved his hands to his knees, as I watched I seen the scars on his hands. I finally knew who I was talking to. ​

He showed me the clearing, with no path coming in or going out. You have been here before but you waited on me. The path here was one of the hardest you have ever had to go on. This was done for a purpose that you will never understand.​

He then moved His hand and before my eyes a path opened up. I could see far down the path. The tears began to fall down my face. Everything I had prayed for and hoped for was down the path. ​

You see Bill, this is just a small part of the path, I put you through all of this so you can have that. And when you do get it, you will know it is for my purpose.​

Lord I said I am so sorry, I never meant to doubt you. Sometime I just do not know what to do, I want to rush things, and I know it is going to happen; part of me wants it now.​

You must remember, look, you are not the only figure on the path. Those others with you, that you love so much, I too need to touch their hearts.​

I looked at Him with a smile, I like being with you I stated. You never have failed me, after all I have done, you never have forgotten about me.​

He rose up from the bench placed His hands on my shoulders. I am always with you, I never leave. You ask me and I answer. Look at yourself now, your scars are gone forever. It is up to you not to bring them back.​

Now stand with me he said, I want to show you something. He said this is a gift for you; I want you to know that this will happen. He then pointed down the path. Do you see…..?​

Yes I do Lord; I can see you answered all my prayers. It is so clear, and everything is wonderful. ​

You must share this He stated. They need to know that you came to Me and I gave you the answers you cried out for.​

Now go, this is yours. Share your heart, the blessing I give you will be countess.​

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I fear this test you have been dealt. I know not how I will handle it nor how it will handle me. I know it is much easier for people to spew words of comfort & wisdom than it is for the words to heal. Just know that many are here for you.....

 

x2 Bill.

 

I wish I had words to heal your hurt....

 

its clear you're are experiencing some incredibly powerful and incredibly dark emotions. some of the things you speak about, mainly suicide, is very scary. remember you have people who care about you and your daughters are counting on you. i know online friends can't help too much but if you are going through as much as it seems like you are i hope you are seeing someone. does your church have a counselor? if so i really hope you spend some time talking to him/her. we're here for you if you need us

on a completely unrelated note, your writing is impressive

 

Glad to see you back man even if it is only in small doses to start, I cannot imagine what you are dealing with. Just be strong for yourself and the girls, you are always in our thoughts.

 

Deep, prayers go out!!! We are here as much as we can be!!!

 

Stay strong, we are here to talk if you need it.

 

X2, We're still here for you Bill, prayers sent for you.

 

What are you doing sneaking in here on me

Hey brother, you know I'm always there for you. I really enjoyed these other writings. Great job.

 

Bill-I was so glad to see you had posted. Your writings are very impressive, yet so dark. Please remember all of the people who love you and your TW family who are here to help in anyway we can. It's hard to be strong and it wears you down. Let yourself be weak in small doses and private moments and you will regain the strength to deal with everything again. Remember your two beautiful daughters who are counting on you. Keep writing, it's a good release for you. God bless.

 

Bill, prayers going out to you. Your writings are very intense and meaningful and I hope you keep in touch with friends here on TW. At this time is when you need friends to rally around you the most. We're here for you even though we're not close to where you live, we are only a few keystrokes away. Take care and God Bless you and the girls.

 

like everybody else said. we are all here for you man.

 

very good advice