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Old 04-18-2013, 10:28 AM   #1981
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tc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shedtc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shedtc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shedtc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shedtc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shedtc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shedtc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shedtc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shedtc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shedtc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shedtc98tacoma is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:17 PM   #1982
I support a velociraptor free workplace.
BrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Medical Information Women Should Know

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"


9 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1.Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says:
"How's my driving". \

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1.Other Women

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Old 04-18-2013, 12:43 PM   #1983
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Geem750 has a brilliant futureGeem750 has a brilliant futureGeem750 has a brilliant futureGeem750 has a brilliant futureGeem750 has a brilliant futureGeem750 has a brilliant futureGeem750 has a brilliant futureGeem750 has a brilliant futureGeem750 has a brilliant futureGeem750 has a brilliant futureGeem750 has a brilliant future
 
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Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:37 PM   #1984
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.

She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:37 PM   #1985
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:38 PM   #1986
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:40 PM   #1987
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:41 PM   #1988
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:41 PM   #1989
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:43 PM   #1990
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir.

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis.

The doctor said, damn how did you do that?

The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it.

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole.

So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:52 PM   #1991
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Hardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shedHardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shedHardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shedHardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shedHardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shedHardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shedHardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shedHardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shedHardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shedHardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shedHardscrabble is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
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Old 04-19-2013, 03:13 PM   #1992
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
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Old 04-19-2013, 03:14 PM   #1993
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"
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Old 04-19-2013, 03:14 PM   #1994
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
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Old 04-19-2013, 03:20 PM   #1995
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits
in the last row next to an elderly couple.

The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.

The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."
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Old 04-19-2013, 03:36 PM   #1996
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I? Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?
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Old 04-21-2013, 08:07 AM   #1997
I support a velociraptor free workplace.
BrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shedBrokenTusk is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


'Only when he's been drinking.!!'
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Old 04-21-2013, 08:32 AM   #1998
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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Old 04-21-2013, 08:35 AM   #1999
Outlaw 525S member
23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Joined: Nov 2012, #92058
Location: 99506
Gender: Dude
Posts: 2,652
23dec2007's Tacoma Gallery
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
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Old 04-21-2013, 08:38 AM   #2000
Outlaw 525S member
23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Army:
Joined: Nov 2012, #92058
Location: 99506
Gender: Dude
Posts: 2,652
23dec2007's Tacoma Gallery
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
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