Joke of the Day

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.
As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”

 

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I’ve started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is. She bought me some Viagra, and I’ve bought her a treadmill.

 

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

 

A small grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the mall.
The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandpa.”
The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?” to which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.”

 

An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private…” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”
“Warehouses!?” the soldier shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”

 

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young and stunningly attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You wanna wank?” she asked. “You bet!” came the excited reply. “Alright…” she said. “I’ll come back in ten minutes.”

 

LLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL
Good ones-passed them along so others could ENJOY
Thanks

 

The history teacher wanted to award some of her students with a prize of going home early on Friday. So she said "anyone that answers the following questions first with the correct answer gets to go home! Little Johnny thinks to himself "man I really need to go home early".

The teacher asks, who said, “ Ask not what my country can do for me but, what can I do for my country"? Mary raises her hand first and says "John Kennedy.

The teacher says correct, you may go home.

Next she asks who said, "I have a dream"; Peggy raises her hand and says Martin Luther King". "Correct" says the teacher you may go home.

"Damn I wish those bitches had kept their mouths shut,” says Little Johnny. "Who said that?” asks the teacher angrily? Bill Clinton! “See you Monday, Teach" answers Johnny going out the door.

 

Men Vs. Women Jokes :: #11341
By Anonymous from USA.

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.



FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.



NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"



GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"



GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.



LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"



SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.



THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."



GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.



PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"



THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.



THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

 

Hahaha just got told this joke: "All that flooding should finally put out those Calgary Flames!"

 

Going to be hard to get all that water out of the Saddledome when they've only got one cup.

 

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Source - Read More: http://investorshangout.com/post/80...ET-PAPER-Fresh-from-my-shower-I#ixzz2XiN1owGa

 

A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D.I.Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "Wha t the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"

 

Bush Falls

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W. said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

 

Woman in a hot air balloon

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consults his portable GPS and replies,'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says,'You must be a Republican!'

'I am,' replies the man.'How did you know?'

'Well,' answers the balloonist,'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'

The man smiles and responds,'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replies the balloonist.'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the man,'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

 

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

 

Irishman walks out of a bar............

 

Sarah Palin Goes Fishing

Sarah Palin had been feeling the stress of the election campaign. She decided to take a day off and go fishing alone. She went to a lake, got a row boat and began fishing. A freak wave hit the boat, overturning it and Sarah's heavy clothes dragged her under and she began to drown. Luckily for her there was a young boy also fishing in the lake. He saw her plight and swam to her aid....dragging her to safety and performing resuscitation upon her. She was so grateful! she said to him "Do you know whose life you just saved? I am Gov Sarah Palin. I betcha didn't know you were saving the life of the woman who is running for VP!! For the service you have done your nation I will, if elected make sure you get ANYTHING you want." The little boy thinks for a moment and then asks.
So, can I have a state funeral?
Gov Palin was taken aback. She says "Why on earth would you want a state funeral? You're just a child. You won't die for years and years!!"

And the little boy says
Well I don't know about that! 'Cause when I get home and tell my mother and father what I did today.....they're gonna KILL me!!

 

Vampires At A Bar

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks.

Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

 

A guy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of his finest whiskey. When the bartender has poured the shots the guy drinks them down as fast as possible. The bartender says "wow! I've never seen anyone drink that fast before!" and the guy says "You would to if you had what I had" and the bartender says "What is it you have?" And the guy says "25 cents!" and runs out of the bar.