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Old 07-10-2013, 04:48 PM   #2261
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Dear mum,
I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.
I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.
I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.
His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.
We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.

Wish us luck
Katie
P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.
Xx
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Old 07-10-2013, 04:49 PM   #2262
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
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Old 07-10-2013, 05:00 PM   #2263
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.
Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.
Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.
Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.
He said, "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:18 AM   #2264
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newertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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good ones--shared them as usual.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:23 PM   #2265
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.
So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"
Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".
"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"
"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.
"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:27 PM   #2266
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

Levi says to the Floy "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Floy replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Levi says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Floy smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Floy asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

Levi replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:28 PM   #2267
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The hillbilly finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:32 PM   #2268
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:53 PM   #2269
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!"
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"
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Old 07-12-2013, 06:41 PM   #2270
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head"
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Old 07-12-2013, 06:42 PM   #2271
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.
Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.
But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son
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Old 07-12-2013, 06:44 PM   #2272
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"
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Old 07-12-2013, 07:14 PM   #2273
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
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Old 07-12-2013, 07:28 PM   #2274
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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Old 07-13-2013, 06:24 AM   #2275
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around’.”
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Old 07-13-2013, 08:44 AM   #2277
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newertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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.
.Here's the man to tell it the way it was meant to be!






[IMG]aoladp://MA28361320-0001/Untitled.jpeg[/IMG]
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!
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Old 07-13-2013, 01:48 PM   #2278
Senior Member
newertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shednewertoy is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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In a hurry to get somewhere the lady was doing 75 in a 55mph zone. A State Patrol stopped her. He walked up to her car and asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "Because you wanted to sell me tickets to the State Patrolmen's Ball?” she replied. "State Patrolmen don't have balls", he said...then realizing what he had just said...he let her go!
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Old 07-13-2013, 05:20 PM   #2279
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newertoy View Post
.

.Here's the man to tell it the way it was meant to be!






[IMG]aoladp://MA28361320-0001/Untitled.jpeg[/IMG]
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!

Facebooked this ....love it.
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Old 07-13-2013, 05:38 PM   #2280
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23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed23dec2007 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
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