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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Aug 15, 2013 at 11:00 PM
    #2601
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    One day little Johnny went on a school excursion to a farm out in the English country-side. He goes home that afternoon and finds his dad reading the paper. His dad says "did you have a good time Johnny?",

    "Yes,dad."

    "What did you see Johnny?"

    "Well, as we walked in there was some sheep to the right and there was some horses in the far paddock, there was cows in the near paddock, there was a chicken coop just down the side of the barn. There was fuckers in the paddock behind us, and some pigs near the cows..."

    His dad says,"What?"

    "Pigs ,dad."

    "No before that son."

    "There was fuckers in the paddock behind us."

    His dad says ,"fuckers??!!"

    Johnny says,"Well the teacher said effers, but we knew what she meant."
     
  2. Aug 15, 2013 at 11:17 PM
    #2602
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off, one drive goes to the right, and one drive goes to the left.

    One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

    Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her, and says:
    "I am Mother Nature, and I do not like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

    The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

    Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"

    "It's over here in the pussy willows."

    She screams back, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!"
     
  3. Aug 16, 2013 at 1:59 AM
    #2603
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

    A: One US leader
     
  4. Aug 16, 2013 at 2:00 AM
    #2604
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Q: What did the toilet bowl say to the police man?

    A: I have seen more bums than you!
     
  5. Aug 16, 2013 at 2:01 AM
    #2605
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.

    He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.

    "Help! Help!"

    The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

    The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

    The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

    "Because the shit is running down my back!"
     
  6. Aug 16, 2013 at 2:02 AM
    #2606
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    "Senator John McCain is denying rumors flying around Washington that he recently went out drinking with Hillary Clinton. McCain's exact quote was, 'Five years with the Vietcong was enough'."
     
  7. Aug 16, 2013 at 2:03 AM
    #2607
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    One of the Senate Chaplains, a very old Catholic priest, suffers a massive heart attack on the Senate floor. As they prepare to rush him to a hospital he whispers a dying request to one of the Senate pages that Senators Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy accompany him in the ambulance. Aware of the flashing of press cameras and bright glare of the TV lights, the two Senators hold the priest's hands as he is taken away.

    One reporter corners the Senate page. "Wow, that was something. Did the priest say why he wanted Clinton and Kennedy to go with him in the ambulance?"

    The page nodded. "Yes, the good Father said all his life he tried to emulate his Savior and if dying between two lying thieves was good enough for Jesus it was good enough for him."
     
  8. Aug 16, 2013 at 1:54 PM
    #2608
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    thoughts....

    1170841_707559599269550_300989973_n.jpg
     
  9. Aug 16, 2013 at 7:59 PM
    #2609
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

    So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

    "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

    So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

    "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

    So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

    Mama, a redhead, exclaimed "Stay here and stir the pasta, this is a job for Mama!"
     
  10. Aug 16, 2013 at 8:00 PM
    #2610
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. The redhead turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

    The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

    The redhead asks, "What do you do about it?"

    The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

    After a few moments, the redhead asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
     
  11. Aug 16, 2013 at 8:03 PM
    #2611
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

    The redheaded nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

    After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

    "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

    This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

    After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

    After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
     
  12. Aug 16, 2013 at 9:52 PM
    #2612
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were.

    They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

    They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.

    "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

    So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

    "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo.

    But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there.

    He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

    He won.
     
  13. Aug 16, 2013 at 9:55 PM
    #2613
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

    "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

    "The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"
     
  14. Aug 16, 2013 at 9:56 PM
    #2614
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are:

    Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."

    Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."

    Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"

    Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"

    Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

    Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."

    Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."

    Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

    Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."
     
  15. Aug 17, 2013 at 2:08 AM
    #2615
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Love this Japanese Doctor!
    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it...... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

    Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:

    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

    AND......

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
     
  16. Aug 17, 2013 at 2:12 AM
    #2616
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Dear Husband:

    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

    Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

    You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

    P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

    Your EX-Wife

    ---

    Dear Ex-Wife

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.


    I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

    I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

    So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

    Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
     
  17. Aug 17, 2013 at 10:23 AM
    #2617
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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  18. Aug 17, 2013 at 12:45 PM
    #2618
    surfsupl

    surfsupl Well-Known Member

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    I DONT CARE IF IT'S A RE-POST
    Rear Diff Breather~ 5100's ~Fog Light Anytime~Tint~TRD Seat Covers~Weather Tech's~Pioneer H.U.~Lift~Eibach Springs~LED's......blah...blah...blah
    A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
    During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
    relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
    his roommate than met the eye.
    Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
    “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
    roommates."

    About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
    “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
    to be sure." He sat down and wrote :


    Dear Mother:
    I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
    remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love,
    your son.

    Several days later, he received an email from
    his Mother which read:

    Dear Son:
    I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
    I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
    But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
    would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
    Love,
    Mom.


    [​IMG]
     
  19. Aug 17, 2013 at 4:15 PM
    #2619
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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  20. Aug 17, 2013 at 8:20 PM
    #2620
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe’s first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead.

    Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet!

    After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.

    Joe said "There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I never screamed.

    Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed."

    "So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Joe continued, "two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat ’em now?""
     

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