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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Jan 19, 2009 at 8:20 AM
    #281
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and mad at the same time."

    She says "You have the biggest dick of all your friends!"
     
  2. Jan 19, 2009 at 8:32 AM
    #282
    Delmarva

    Delmarva Mayor of TW

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    It's the wife's T4R so it's stock
    :rofl:
     
  3. Jan 19, 2009 at 9:42 AM
    #283
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A man gets his johnson sunburned. His buddy tells him to soak it in a glass of milk.

    His blonde girlfriend walks in and says, "Oh my god, So that's how you reload it!!"
     
  4. Jan 19, 2009 at 9:57 AM
    #284
    jrw1965

    jrw1965 Well-Known Member

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    You may have already seen this… if so, I apologize… If not… have a good laugh. J Why God made Moms -- BRILLIANT Answers given by 2ndgrade school children to the following questions!! Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tapeis. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. HeJust used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair andeverything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Thenthey mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom? 1. We're related 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than otherpeople's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of thatother stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guesswould be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did mom need to know about dad before she marriedhim? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO todrugs and YES to chores? Why did your mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. Andmy Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinkingcap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to becausedad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees thestuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot moreto do than dad. What's the difference between moms & dads? 1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just goto work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaringthem. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all thereal power 'cause that's who you got to ask if youwant to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better withoutmedicine. What does your mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, Ithink some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, whatwould it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my roomclean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it wasmy sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisibleeyes on the back of her head.
     
  5. Jan 19, 2009 at 10:04 AM
    #285
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    Just made it a little easier on the eyes.
     
  6. Jan 19, 2009 at 10:08 AM
    #286
    nd

    nd Radical Town. It's a hell of a place!

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    De badged, 5100's, Black Toyota Baja wheels
    thank you, that original copy was killing me!
     
  7. Jan 19, 2009 at 11:00 AM
    #287
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Yeah, I gave up reading it after the 4th line. :rolleyes:
     
  8. Jan 19, 2009 at 5:53 PM
    #288
    genxer36

    genxer36 Lord of Tomfoolery

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    Guess who is having a birthday?


    This week we celebrate a special birthday !


    Monica Lewinsky turned 34.



    Can you believe it ?





    It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her
    mouth.


    They grow up so fast, don't they?
     
  9. Jan 20, 2009 at 6:00 AM
    #289
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    Only a farm kid...

    When you're from the country you look at things a little different..........


    A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
    'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'




    'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?' 'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'


    'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' No sir, 'He went with Mom and Dad.'


    The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
    'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'


    'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

    The boy considered that for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull


    and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
     
  10. Jan 20, 2009 at 7:39 AM
    #290
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A man went to his doctor's office.
    He was prescreened first by the nurse.

    He asked the nurse if she had ever laughed at her
    patients' problems..

    'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional
    nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
    patient.'

    'Okay then,' the man said and proceeded to drop his
    trousers, Revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had
    ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a
    AA battery.

    Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then
    fell laughing to the floor.

    Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and
    regain her composure.

    'I'm so sorry,' said the nurse. 'I don't know what came over me.
    On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't
    happen again.

    Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

    '... It's swollen,' He replied.
     
  11. Jan 20, 2009 at 7:51 AM
    #291
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

    The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

    So next Sunday he took the mon signor's advice.
    At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
    He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1)
    Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5)
    Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6)
    We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
    8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
    10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
    11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'
    12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
    13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub , Yeah God.

    14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

     
  12. Jan 20, 2009 at 10:07 AM
    #292
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

    One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"

    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

    Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well ... only two left!"

    Englishmen, God bless them, should not mess with the Irish.













     
  13. Jan 20, 2009 at 10:08 AM
    #293
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook
    a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it
    was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious
    aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the
    Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came
    to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

    After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass ..and as the
    priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and
    raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'

    Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the
    wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The
    Priest was called immedia tely by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's
    yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in
    amazement.

    There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
    sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz
    raised a deer, but now you is a catfish
     
  14. Jan 20, 2009 at 10:15 AM
    #294
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

    She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.


    She is such a bitch........
     
  15. Jan 20, 2009 at 10:21 AM
    #295
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.


    All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
    Trying to decide who was the one in charge..

    'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
    'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'


    'I should be in charge,' said the
    blood ,
    'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'



    'I should be in charge,' said the
    stomach,
    'because I process food and give all of you energy.'


    'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
    'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'


    'I should be in charge,' said the
    eyes,
    'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'


    'I should be in charge,' said the
    rectum,
    'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'


    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
    And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
    Within a few days,
    The brain had a terrible headache,
    The stomach was bloated,
    The legs got wobbly,
    The eyes got watery,
    And the blood was toxic.
    They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
    The Moral of the story?
    The ass hole is usually the one in charge!
     
  16. Jan 20, 2009 at 2:20 PM
    #296
    jrw1965

    jrw1965 Well-Known Member

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    In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
     
  17. Jan 21, 2009 at 1:27 AM
    #297
    genxer36

    genxer36 Lord of Tomfoolery

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    Old guys don't care

    As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.

    For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist.

    I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

    She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

    When I asked her why, she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'


     
  18. Jan 21, 2009 at 2:09 AM
    #298
    Delmarva

    Delmarva Mayor of TW

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    It's the wife's T4R so it's stock
    :rofl:
     
  19. Jan 21, 2009 at 6:25 AM
    #299
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 is going full "SANDWICH" Moderator

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    Some stuff. Not a lot, just some.
    A blonde is watching the news with her husband with the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident!"




    The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

    Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

    After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
     
  20. Jan 21, 2009 at 7:31 AM
    #300
    Who Dat Popcorn

    Who Dat Popcorn Dafuq

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    SOLD

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