Joke of the Day

TX redneck driving through a small town. Sees a sign over the only restarant in town saying tonights special lobster tail and Cold Beer.

Say's to himself, damn I wish could stick around those are three of my favorite things.

 

A guys on his way home from work and remembers its his daughters birthday.He stops into the toy store noticing several Barbie Dolls in the display window.He ask the store clerk how much for the B. Dolls?The clerk replies Surfing barbie 19.95,Rollerskate Barbie 19.95,Nurse Barbie 19.95, Stewerdess Barbie 19.95,Divorced Barbie 295.95. He ask why is Divorced Barbie so much? The clerk answers Becase it comes with, Kens car, Kens house, Kens furniture, one of Kens friends, and a keychain w/ kens balls.

 

How can you tell if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?





















.....the kid studders

 

What does Star Treks Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus to wipe ot the cling-ons.

Why was Spock digging in the toilet?

He was looking for the Captains Log.


Oldies but goodies?

 

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"


ill try to post jokes regularly. lets see if we can get a whole mess of them

 

Here is one of my favorites:

A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but in the end the Captain and his crew were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates. That evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shift before battle. The captain calmly replied, "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." All the men were moved by this great display of courage.

Well the next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the Captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."

 

There were two Alabama Rednecks out hunting one day. They came upon a huge hole in the ground. "Hey man, that sure is a big hole". The other guys says "Sure is, wonder how deep it is?" "Let's throw something in it and see how long it takes to hit the bottom." They looked around the woods and spotted an old transmission. The two men picked up the transmission and pitched it into the hole. "Man that sure is a deep hole." About that time a goat came crashing through the bushes and dove head first right into the hole. "Holy crap man, did you see that crazy goat?" "Wow that was the craziest thing I ever saw." About this time, an old farmer walks up and says, "Hey, have you guys seen a goat come through here?" One guy says, "Funny you ask that mister, this crazy goat just came running out of the bushes and dove head first into that big ass hole." The old farmer replied, "That's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission."

 

That was funny !

 

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

 

> Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas .... Too bad......
>
>
> A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then a cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
>
> The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
>
> "What for?" says the lawyer.
>
> The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
>
> Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
>
> "You still didn't come to a complete stop " Says the deputy. "License and registration, please."
>
> The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>
> "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
>
> Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
>
> "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
>
> At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

 

> An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
>
> He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
>
> The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
>
> The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
>
> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
>
> The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
>
> The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
>
> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
> Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'
> 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!
>
> Don't mess with Old People.
>

 

Satan suddenly appears at the alter during a church service.
everyone starts screaming and running for the front door.
soon everyone is gone except this one guy seemingly
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
this confuses Satan, so he walks up to the man and says
"do you know who i am"
"Yep sure do" said the guy
"well aren't you afraid of me" Satan says
"fuck no" the guy says "i've been married to your sister for 25 years"

 

Nice Rick that was funny !!

 

Question:
If Women are so good at multitasking why doesn't this cover a headache with sex.

 

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when
the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this
room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is
returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of
the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

 

So after one evening of drinking ndcouch and tacomaman06 start talking about women. ndcouch says that he's ready to settle down and get married and that he always heard that women were prettier in Texas and he's decided to fly out to the DFW airport to find a wife. (This is all a part of his secret desire to be a Texan).

tacomaman06 sobers up in the morning and thinks nothing of ndcouch's drunken blabbering the night before. Then he's surprised to get a call from ncouch asking to get picked up at the airport. Intrigued, he does. He asks ndcouch where he's been. ndcouch says he went to the DFW airport just like he said he was going to (and then proceeded to insult tacomaman06 for daring to not believe he would live up to his word) but he doesn't want to talk about it.

tacomaman06 couldn't let it stop there, so he asks whether his new wife is at baggage claim and they should wait for her. ndcouch starts blubbering and explaining that he drunkenly took the red-eye flight out to DFW last night and when he got there, sure enough, the women were beautiful. But then he realized he couldn't compete with the Texas men for their affections and has come home in disgrace.

Once again, tacomaman06 just can't let it stop there, so he asks what he means by that. ndcouch hmmms and hawwws and says that the Texan men wear those nice shiny cowboy boots, starched Wranglers, and big belt buckles, and cowboy hats. tacomaman06 tells him that's nothing. He can buy those all those things if that's what the Texas women like.

ndcouch then hmmmms and hawwws some more and finally breaks down and admits that tacomaman06 is right about all that. He didn't want to admit it, but the real deciding factor that made him realize he couldn't compete with the Texan men was the size of that condom can they carried in their hip pocket.

 

hahaha! even though i hate your stupid texas ass taht was a good one. The dude i work with is looking at me like im retarded cause i giggled like a little girl the whole time i was reading that. Being as vain as i am i love it when stuff is about me. i like attention

 

damn!!!!! hahahahaha......thats a good one sawdust!!!

 

A little lad peddling his bike down a Belfast street gets hit by a car
doing 60 miles an hour.

An old woman rushes over to comfort him and sees that he's badly injured.

"An ambulance is on its way laddy," she exclaims. " Do you want me to
call for a priest?"

"No thanks Ma'am, " he replies. "Sex is the last thing on my mind right
now!"

 

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'