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Old 03-05-2010, 08:07 AM   #1001
"Mark It Zero"
Agent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Telling Time

A man was touring an Indian reservation in the southwest while doing research for a book on Native American traditions. He hired a guide to show him around and explain the various events he witnessed.

About mid morning, they happened across a tribesman lying on his back on the ground, naked with a very noticable erection. The man asked the guide, "What in the world is he doing?" The guide responded, "He tell time. Use funstick for sun dial." "It 10:00 o'clock." After taking notes for his book the researcher suggested they continued on with the tour.

Awhile later they ran across another man telling time in the same odd way. The man asked the guide, "So, what time is it now?" To which the guide responded, "Um, it 2:30." Moving on the man recorded many more odd but interesting methods the Native Americans used to perform mundane tasks. Some time later they came upon a naked brave, lying on his back, feverishly stroking his member. "Oh my gosh!" the researcher exclaimed. "What is that man doing?" The guide stated, matter of factly, "Him winding watch."
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Old 03-05-2010, 11:23 PM   #1002
No matter where you go there you are.
taco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Idiot Sighting

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'No, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind
the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

-- From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer inWichita , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



How would you pronounce this child's name – “Le-a?”

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, MO. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha.” When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash don't be silent."

SO…if you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us .... and they
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Old 03-06-2010, 08:46 AM   #1003
Senior Member
tuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
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New truck Radio


My New Truck

.





I bought a new Chevy Avalanche

And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.


'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.


The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'


'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'

Came from the speakers.


Then he said, ' Ray Charles!', and in an instant

' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,

Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'

I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,

'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.


Yesterday, some guy ran a red light

And nearly creamed my new truck,

But I swerved in time to avoid him.


I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with,

"Ladies and gentlemen,

The President of The

United States


Damn I love this truck....
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Old 03-08-2010, 06:58 AM   #1004
Senior Member
tuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shedtuckr2 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
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Father O'Malley

**Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. **

**He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance. **

**The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi. **

**How might I help you?" **

**"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" **

**Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" ***
****** ***There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. **

**Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, _
but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."_***
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Old 03-08-2010, 01:02 PM   #1005
I've got so much soul in me that I'm barely alive.
Zombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shedZombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shedZombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shedZombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shedZombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shedZombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shedZombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shedZombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shedZombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shedZombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shedZombie Runner is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter"What are you doing?"She asked."Hunting Flies"He responded."Oh! Killing any?" She asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked."How can you tell them apart?" He responded,"3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.
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Old 03-08-2010, 04:07 PM   #1006
My other ride weighs 200 tons
4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I Bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings...

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is Barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"
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Old 03-09-2010, 08:51 AM   #1007
"Mark It Zero"
Agent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal
Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold ? No one has ever done it before !'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!'
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Old 03-09-2010, 04:09 PM   #1008
Senior Member
JDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shedJDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shedJDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shedJDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shedJDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shedJDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shedJDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shedJDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shedJDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shedJDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shedJDMcQ is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A New Jersey Love Story

A young woman in Wildwood, New Jersey was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic
Ocean .

She went down to Morey's Pier and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I will take good care of you and bring you food every day.'


Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, in the darkness, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

>From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and some fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked.. "

I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return, he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is', the Captain said. 'This is the Cape May Ferry!'
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Old 03-11-2010, 04:14 PM   #1009
Senior Member
jrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
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Hurts to think about this one


Pile Up
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.......your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But, this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out. On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."
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Old 03-16-2010, 12:08 PM   #1010
"Mark It Zero"
Agent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Old 03-16-2010, 12:09 PM   #1011
"Mark It Zero"
Agent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shedAgent475 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Drunk Irishmen

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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Old 03-16-2010, 12:29 PM   #1012
No matter where you go there you are.
taco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shedtaco084gb is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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Name: Galen
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Age: 39
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Biker Chili

Biker chili

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in
Sturgis , SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with
his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen
minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely
asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The
old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young
pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny
new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place
and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was
very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the
bowl. The old biker quietly says, "Same thing happened to me.
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Old 03-16-2010, 12:31 PM   #1013
Senior Member
FL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Samuel,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.


3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.


6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.


8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.


9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.


12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'


14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



And last, but not least:


15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
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Old 03-16-2010, 12:34 PM   #1014
Senior Member
FL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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A teacher began to teach her students to identify the flavors of candy by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
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Old 03-16-2010, 01:03 PM   #1015
Senior Member
FL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shedFL Forester is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY




Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a
sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must
commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all
American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help
weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is
recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to
position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are
not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other
than their wives and to show support for all American women. Since Islam
also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further
proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your
efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this
anti-terrorist activity.
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Old 03-16-2010, 02:32 PM   #1016
Senior Member
jrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
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This ones good

Deeply Profound Thoughts by Men.

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
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Old 03-16-2010, 04:13 PM   #1017
Gringo Bandito
tcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shedtcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shedtcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shedtcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shedtcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shedtcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shedtcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shedtcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shedtcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shedtcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shedtcBob is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt." So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
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Old 03-18-2010, 04:48 PM   #1018
My other ride weighs 200 tons
4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed4x4x4trd is one of the sharper tools in the shed
 
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I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake
with two frogs in his mouth.


Life is good in the South.
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Old 03-18-2010, 05:33 PM   #1019
Senior Member
4low2go has a brilliant future4low2go has a brilliant future4low2go has a brilliant future4low2go has a brilliant future4low2go has a brilliant future4low2go has a brilliant future4low2go has a brilliant future4low2go has a brilliant future4low2go has a brilliant future4low2go has a brilliant future4low2go has a brilliant future
 
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^
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Old 03-18-2010, 07:36 PM   #1020
Senior Member
jrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shedjrw1965 is one of the sharper tools in the shed
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Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010



Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200.00, and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers:
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!
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