Joke of the Day

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm.

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.

9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.

11) Jewish dilemma:
Free Pork.

12) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
'Honey, I'm home!'

 

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone
more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor
lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve
years.When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the
back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her
unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,
and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and
kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when
I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and
admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk

* * * *

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Walter

 

Subject: Life Lessons


> Difference between potentially and realistically.
>
>
> A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'
>
> The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
>
> Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
>
> So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
> The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
>
> The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
> The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
>
> The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
> 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'
>
> The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
>
> His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
>
> The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' , you and I are sitting on Three million dollars .
>
> But 'realistically' , we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
>

 

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.


And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm going to have another beer.

 

Not sure if posted yet, always gives me a laugh though;


After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Edit: Sorry guys just realized this was posted a few pages back.

 

The Beloit College Mindset List for the Class of 2013​

Most students entering college for the first time this fall were born in 1991.

1. For these students, Martha Graham, Pan American Airways, Michael Landon, Dr. Seuss, Miles Davis, The Dallas Times Herald, Gene Roddenberry, and Freddie Mercury have always been dead.
2. Dan Rostenkowski, Jack Kevorkian, and Mike Tyson have always been felons.
3. The Green Giant has always been Shrek, not the big guy picking vegetables.
4. They have never used a card catalog to find a book.
5. Margaret Thatcher has always been a former prime minister.
6. Salsa has always outsold ketchup.
7. Earvin "Magic" Johnson has always been HIV-positive.
8. Tattoos have always been very chic and highly visible.
9. They have been preparing for the arrival of HDTV all their lives.
10. Rap music has always been main stream.
11. Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream has always been a flavor choice.
12. Someone has always been building something taller than the Willis (née Sears) Tower in Chicago.
13. The KGB has never officially existed.
14. Text has always been hyper.
15. They never saw the “Scud Stud” (but there have always been electromagnetic stud finders.)
16. Babies have always had a Social Security Number.
17. They have never had to “shake down” an oral thermometer.
18. Bungee jumping has always been socially acceptable.
19. They have never understood the meaning of R.S.V.P.
20. American students have always lived anxiously with high-stakes educational testing.
21. Except for the present incumbent, the President has never inhaled.
22. State abbreviations in addresses have never had periods.
23. The European Union has always existed.
24. McDonald's has always been serving Happy Meals in China.
25. Condoms have always been advertised on television.
26. Cable television systems have always offered telephone service and vice versa.
27. Christopher Columbus has always been getting a bad rap.
28. The American health care system has always been in critical condition.
29. Bobby Cox has always managed the Atlanta Braves.
30. Desperate smokers have always been able to turn to Nicoderm skin patches.
31. There has always been a Cartoon Network.
32. The nation’s key economic indicator has always been the Gross Domestic Product (GDP).
33. Their folks could always reach for a Zoloft.
34. They have always been able to read books on an electronic screen.
35. Women have always outnumbered men in college.
36. We have always watched wars, coups, and police arrests unfold on television in real time.
37. Amateur radio operators have never needed to know Morse code.
38. Belarus, Moldova, Ukraine, Uzbekistan, Armenia, Latvia, Georgia, Lithuania, and Estonia have always been independent nations.
39. It's always been official: President Zachary Taylor did not die of arsenic poisoning.
40. Madonna’s perspective on Sex has always been well documented.
41. Phil Jackson has always been coaching championship basketball.
42. Ozzy Osbourne has always been coming back.
43. Kevin Costner has always been Dancing with Wolves, especially on cable.
44. There have always been flat screen televisions.
45. They have always eaten Berry Berry Kix.
46. Disney’s Fantasia has always been available on video, and It’s a Wonderful Life has always been on Moscow television.
47. Smokers have never been promoted as an economic force that deserves respect.
48. Elite American colleges have never been able to fix the price of tuition.
49. Nobody has been able to make a deposit in the Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI).
50. Everyone has always known what the evening news was before the Evening News came on.
51. Britney Spears has always been heard on classic rock stations.
52. They have never been Saved by the Bell
53. Someone has always been asking: “Was Iraq worth a war?”
54. Most communities have always had a mega-church.
55. Natalie Cole has always been singing with her father.
56. The status of gays in the military has always been a topic of political debate.
57. Elizabeth Taylor has always reeked of White Diamonds.
58. There has always been a Planet Hollywood.
59. For one reason or another, California’s future has always been in doubt.
60. Agent Starling has always feared the Silence of the Lambs.
61. “Womyn” and “waitperson” have always been in the dictionary.
62. Members of Congress have always had to keep their checkbooks balanced since the closing of the House Bank.
63. There has always been a computer in the Oval Office.
64. CDs have never been sold in cardboard packaging.
65. Avon has always been “calling” in a catalog.
66. NATO has always been looking for a role.
67. Two Koreas have always been members of the UN.
68. Official racial classifications in South Africa have always been outlawed.
69. The NBC Today Show has always been seen on weekends.
70. Vice presidents of the United States have always had real power.
71. Conflict in Northern Ireland has always been slowly winding down.
72. Migration of once independent media like radio, TV, videos and compact discs to the computer has never amazed them.
73. Nobody has ever responded to “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
74. Congress could never give itself a mid-term raise.
75. There has always been blue Jell-O.

 

subbed

 

FEMALE COMPASSION



A man was laying on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.



The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.



The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.


The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fu__ed?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

 

HA! Oh, your good.

 

WHY I'M DEPRESSED

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay
down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price
of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . .
I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a
call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

 

Learning From Teachers

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. ​

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." ​

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother." ​

 

I've seen a couple of these before, still good though​

It Was A Tough Year...But I Made It

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. ​

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" ​

CEO's are now playing miniature golf. ​

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them. ​

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. ​

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'. ​

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names. ​

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . ​

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. ​

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. ​

The Mafia is laying off judges. ​

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen. ​

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! ​

And, finally... ​

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.. ​

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GOYUBfdHn4?fs=1

 

Damn, that is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time! Great find.

 

They actually read that on air a few years ago.

I almost had a wreck and had to pull over to finish listening.

The scary part is it is a real story.

 

Funny​

Shark Attack

Why do Sharks circle you before attacking? ​

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people . ​

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did . ​

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did . ​

"Now we eat everybody." And they did . ​

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" ​

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!" ​

 

Dear Americans







For only the second time in my adult life, I am not ashamed of my country.

I want to thank the hard working American people for paying $242 thousand

dollars plus additional expenses for my vacation in Spain.



My daughter Sasha, several long-time family friends, my personal staff and

various guests had a wonderful time. Honestly, you just haven't lived until

you have stayed in a $2,500.00 per night suite at a 5-Star luxury hotel. We

only booked 70 rooms for our friends, staff and family. Thank you also for

the use of Air Force 2 and the 70 Secret Service personnel who tagged along

to be sure we were safe and cared for at all times. Air Force 2 only used

47,500 gallons of jet fuel for this trip and carbon emissions were a mere

1,031 tons of CO2. It costs only $11,500 per hour to operate Air Force 2 and

each additional plane for the other members of our party group. These are

only rough estimates, but they are close (who's counting?). That's quite a

carbon footprint as my good friend Al Gore would say, so we must ask the

American citizens to drive smaller, more fuel efficient cars and drive less

too, so we can lessen our combined carbon footprint.



I know times are hard and millions of you are struggling to put food on the

table and trying to make ends meet. I do appreciate your sacrifice and do

hope you find work soon. I was really exhausted after Barack took our family

on a luxury vacation in Maine a few weeks ago. I just had to get away for a

few days.



Will write more from Martha's Vineyard where we will spend our sixth

vacation this year with more of our family and friends.



Cordially,

Queen, M. Obama

 

Lemmiwinks!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06MqEAuRwvM&feature=related