Joke of the Day

LMAO!!!!

 

Ahahhaha I like the a-rab one

 

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak


He who laughs last, thinks slowest


Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine


Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't


Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool


The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong


If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer


Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries


The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room


A fine is a tax for doing wrong
A tax is a fine for doing well


When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty



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Two old drunks in a bar
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem
I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much ! stronger I'm gonna get!"

 

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended."

 

Remember the Couple who sneaked into the
White House with no credentials?​

WELL!!
They're still there!!!​

 

Lewinsky and Kaczynski


The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.


The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:

Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas 'Hail to the Chief' On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky, We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you made such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.


And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known, That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter, When deciding how best to be blown

 

ANNOUNCEMENT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is canceled."

 

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]



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(Please scroll down)[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]

























What were you
thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your work.[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]

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[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]


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I worry about you[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]
[/FONT]sometimes! [FONT=Arial, Helvetica]
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[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]
RECTUM STRETCHER (if you don't laugh at this one, there is something wrong.)

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!

all you cops out there its only a joke
i have nothing but respect for you guys

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ain't that the truth

 

Boy: Make a C with your right hand .
Girl: okayy .*makes a C.*
Boy: *smiles and makes c with his left hand, placing it near hers.*
Girl: A heart?
Boy: no . my stomach. and its empty, make me a sandwich.

 

perfect.

 

[FONT=&quot]A Hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Georgia. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?'

The hillbilly reached in to his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt,and said 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's From Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?'

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
'This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina .. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hill billy, 'Boy, just where the hell are you from?'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, 'You tell me. You're the expert.'[/FONT]

 

nice one

 

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]In the beginning was the word ..[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story .....[/FONT]

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called 'Amazon Dot Com.'[/FONT]

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif] [/FONT]

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. [/FONT][FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif] [/FONT]

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.[/FONT]


[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP) [/FONT]


[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. [/FONT][FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif] [/FONT]

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.[/FONT][FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif] [/FONT]

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.[/FONT]


[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.[/FONT]

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel ,or 'eBay' as it came to be known. [/FONT][FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif] [/FONT]

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.[/FONT]

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]And because it was Dot's idea, they named it 'YAHOO Dot Com'.[/FONT][FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif] [/FONT]

[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)[/FONT]

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. ​

Wedding plans take care of themselves. ​

Chocolate is just another snack. ​

You can be President. ​

You can never be pregnant. ​

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. ​

You can wear NO shirt to a water park. ​

Car mechanics tell you the truth. ​

The world is your urinal. ​

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. ​

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. ​

Same work, more pay. ​

Wrinkles add character. ​

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. ​

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. ​

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. ​

You know stuff about tanks. ​

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. ​

You can open all your own jars. ​

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. ​

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. ​

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. ​

You almost never have strap problems in public. ​

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. ​

Everything on your face stays its original color. ​

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. ​

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. ​

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. ​

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. ​

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

​

 

The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated:

"Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"