Joke of the Day

Best gun for safety while hiking

A remarkable "story" of how a small 22 hand gun helped one guy walk away from a bear attack...



Firepower A 22 short should do it . . . . . Think not? Read on . . . . . . . . .




On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber

you trust to protect yourself? The best answer: My personal favorite defense

gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22short . Over all the years I've been

hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course, we all know too the

first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those

of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You

bring a friend or companion, even an in-law. That way, if something happens,

there is someone to go get help .

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta. Out
of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man, was she mad. We must have
been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd
sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I
was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.


















​

 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to
have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy
level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll
be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

 

If Jesus had been a woman she'd have turned water to whine.

 

DAVID BLAINE TEST
This is creepy!

.
.


Think of a letter between
A and W
.
.

Repeat it
Out loud as
You scroll down




Keep going

.



Don't stop
.
.


Think of an
Animal
That begins
With that letter

.

.

.

.

Repeat it
Out loud
As you
Scroll down
.
.

.





Think of either
A man's or a woman's
Name
That
Begins
With the
Last letter
In the
Animal's' name
.
.

.

.

.
..
Almost
There

.

.

.

.

.

.

Now
Count out
The letters
In that name
On the fingers
Of the hand
You are not
Using to
Scroll down

.

.

.

Take the
Hand you
Counted with
And hold it out
In front of you
At face level


.
Look at your
Palm
Very closely
And
Notice
The
Lines
On
Your
Hand
.

.
Do the lines
Take the
Form of the
First letter
In the
Persons name?
.

.

.

Of course they
F****ing
Don't !


Now smack
Yourself in the head,
Get a life,
And
Quit playing
Stupid
E-mail games!

 

Milk and eggsg

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, And if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

The best thing about fucking a tranny is reaching around and pretending you went all the way through

 

Wow, that's messed up...

 

Do cats stutter ?

​

A teacher's story about Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.​

​

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says​

​

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'​

​

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,

asked the girl to describe the incident.​

​

​

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty

and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start​

and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.​

​

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"​

​

​

but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

​

 

The Cow an Ant and an Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"


The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

​

.

​

​

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.​

​

 

When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro ... what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.




Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

















'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Vancouver Canucks 2012.'

 

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

A recent poll of single women over 35 asked them what they wanted most in a man: manners, money or appearance. The overwhelming majority answered, "Appearance, and the sooner the better!"

 

From: THE DOG
>
>
> Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
>
>
> Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
>
>
> When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
>
>
> Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
>
>
> If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
>
>
> We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
>
>
> More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
>
>
> Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
>
>
> Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
>
>
> 1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
>
> 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
>
> 3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
>
> 4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
>
> 5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
>
> 6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
>
> 7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
>
> 8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table
>
> 9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
>
> 10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
>
> 11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
>
> 12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
>
>
> P.S. When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
>

 

hello my name is John Doe

this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is an cat
this is idiot cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat


now go back and read the third word only in each line

 

Three dead bodies turn up at the morgue, all with big smiles on their faces.

After the autopsy, the coroner informed the police of the results.

The coroner tells the detectives: "First body; An Italian, 60 died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the
enormous smile.

The second body; Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent
it on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The detective asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah, " says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Newfie, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the policeman.

Says the coroner: "Thought he was having his picture taken..."

 

Very Brave Man Jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why did god create women?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing she's already been told twice

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you then what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet then men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the sink

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a womans watch?
You don't. The is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, it shuts up once it gets inside

What's worse then a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90%... its called wedding cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a balb head and a beer gut and still think their sexy.

 

So this guy used to work in a pickle factory...

One day at work they get a new slicer at the factory....

For some reason...the longer he works with the slicer...he starts getting the urge to stick his dick into the slicer....

He knows it will cause terrible damage and pain....but he just can't get the urge out of his head....

Not sure what to do....he tells his wife the feelings he is having....

she says..."you are crazy....do you understand what kind of damage, pain and trauma that would cause you?"


He says....'yeah I know..but I just can't shake the urge to put my dick into the new slicer'

His wife tells him that he seriously has something wrong and should see a therapist....

The guy goes to the therapist...tells them these sick urges he is having and the sessions with the therapist seem to help for a few weeks.....but

One day he comes home from work....and as soon as he walks through the door and his wife sees him...she knows.....

She says...."you did it didn't you....you stuck your dick in that pickle slicer"

He simply says....'yeah..I did'

The wife shakes her head and asks her husband...."so what happened to the pickle slicer?"


























The guy says.....'yeah....they fired her too'