Joke of the Day

Thought I would throw in a little humor.

Sorry my American friends, I couldn't resist.


US Navy vs Canada
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse, your call.

 

No offense taken. I've seen that quote before. It is amazing what pride can do to someone... good thing he humbled himself and changed his course!

 

funny communication is key

 

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

 

what three words you don't want your significant other to hear?

















HONEY I'M HOME.........

 

what do you call a man who has pubic hair stuck in his teeth?


























































GLADIATOR...(glad i ate her)

 

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of bottles of Miller Lite.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl,
it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted
fer drinkin' these here beers!"
Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick
it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
& put labels on each of their foreheads. When they reached the
roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the Miller Lite labels...
"Me and Bubba's on the Patch."

 

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The Indian Embassy in Washington , DC has recently revealed the true story: When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. If he has won none of these, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

 

What is better than a dozen roses on the piano?










Tulips (Two Lips) on the organ~!

 

The Rude Customer

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

Sorry to my Canadian friend, but you do realize U.S. Navy ships have radars to know if other ships are heading towards them, you know for operations sake, it might come in handy during wartime, and I am pretty sure they know in which direction land is located. Fear the wrath of Canada!

 

Yeah, that was actually a commercial for something a while ago, i remember seeing it on Collegehumor.com. Doesn't change the fact that its still funny and a laughed my ass off

 

Radar? What's that? LOL. Just because they have it, doesn't mean they know how to use it.

 

Why did the high school girl get pregnant?










Cuz the teacher told her to do an essay!

 

Canada does not even have naval or military capability anymore.

 

Do you know why pirates are always mad?

Because they Arrrrrgh....







Have you heard about that new Pirate movie?

It's rated Arrrrrrgh...







A pirtate walks into a bar with a captains wheel stuck down his pants and orders a beer.

The Bar tender looks at the Pirate and says "Did you know you've got a wheel in your pants?"

Pirate says" "Arrrrrrrgh it's drivin me nut's"

 

Pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in place of his hat.
Bartender asks him: what's up with the paper towel?
Pirate replies: I've got a Bounty on me 'ead, arrrrrggh!

 

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."