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Old 11-17-2010, 01:13 AM   #1
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cancer

Ok so here is my attempt to vent whatever bs emotion I am feeling right now. Its like midnight and I dont feel like calling any girl over and getting all emotional with them so I turn to TW. My dad has cancer, has for a while and mutiple diffrent kinds. He is currently in town on buisness and I saw him today and he said the Doc said he is fine, no kemo needed. Just got off the phone with my brother and apparently it is quiet the opposite. He was supposed to start kemo over a month ago and that would give him a 45 percent chance to make it. This dude put off kemo to go on a buisness trip. I am pissed, he was diagnosed while I was deployed and told the family not to tell me, now he is literaly dying and wont tell me or listen to the docs. Mom isnt strong and probably wont make it long without him so in my point of veiw he is being selfish as fuck. My dad and I are the same. We are very black and white, stubborn people. I love him to death. I was a horrable kid. I stole sold drugs ect. He stuck with me, even rented an apartment and moved out of his house to stay with me and keep the family away from my bs instead of having me locked up again. I turned around, my career is fast tracking and Its all due to him and his morals and work ethic. I try every day to make up for the part of his life I pissed away 15 years ago. I cant help to be pissed though. Why the fuck wont he just listen to the docs, its almost like he is tapping out. He wont stop smoking or drinking. He wont talk about anything with me (its a waste of time between deployments he says). Im at a loss here. He worked all of his life and now that one son is a lawyer and I am a soldier and we are both self sefficent he gives up. Im lost here and can only feel mad. How fucked up is this.

ps sorry for the spelling I have had a few tonight
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Old 11-17-2010, 01:23 AM   #2
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Sad story. Best of luck to him. Some people just have a hard time accepting things like that. Also know that whatever your feeling for him right now he's feeling those same emotions for himself, just twice as worse. Best of luck to your whole family.
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Old 11-17-2010, 01:27 AM   #3
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I feel for you man. My dad was diagnosed with cancer not to long ago. Every time I ask him how he feels he says he's fine and everything is going good but then my step mom tells me that he's not doing so good and he's been rushed to the hospital a couple times and tells the family not to call me or let me know what happened, that shit breaks my heart. I don't know what to tell you man, I'm still trying to figure that out also.

Stay strong, remind him that you love him and that your there for him. That's what I'm doing.
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Old 11-17-2010, 01:28 AM   #4
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I don't think anyone can answer your question man, it's really detailed and personalized; but what I do suggest is if you practice any religion, perhaps that may help? My only guess it's a fight/flight situation for him and his actions are his way of flying away. I wish you the best during this hard time for you and your family.
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Old 11-17-2010, 01:34 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by numbah57 View Post
I feel for you man. My dad was diagnosed with cancer not to long ago. Every time I ask him how he feels he says he's fine and everything is going good but then my step mom tells me that he's not doing so good and he's been rushed to the hospital a couple times and tells the family not to call me or let me know what happened, that shit breaks my heart. I don't know what to tell you man, I'm still trying to figure that out also.

Stay strong, remind him that you love him and that your there for him. That's what I'm doing.

Yea bro I dont get it. He seems content just giving up now that my brother and I are good. He has worked since he was 14, now is the time for him to enjoy his life. I have never been truley lost in my adult life, there has always been some sort of azmith to follow, might not be well defined but its always there, until now.
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Old 11-17-2010, 03:09 AM   #6
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My mother has had cancer 5 times. She has nearly died from it 3 times. I was never aware of how serious things were until after the fact. I have never been able to understand why she wouldn't tell me.

I wish you and yours the best of health.
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Old 11-17-2010, 03:30 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by j83soldier View Post
Ok so here is my attempt to vent whatever bs emotion I am feeling right now. Its like midnight and I dont feel like calling any girl over and getting all emotional with them so I turn to TW. My dad has cancer, has for a while and mutiple diffrent kinds. He is currently in town on buisness and I saw him today and he said the Doc said he is fine, no kemo needed. Just got off the phone with my brother and apparently it is quiet the opposite. He was supposed to start kemo over a month ago and that would give him a 45 percent chance to make it. This dude put off kemo to go on a buisness trip. I am pissed, he was diagnosed while I was deployed and told the family not to tell me, now he is literaly dying and wont tell me or listen to the docs. Mom isnt strong and probably wont make it long without him so in my point of veiw he is being selfish as fuck. My dad and I are the same. We are very black and white, stubborn people. I love him to death. I was a horrable kid. I stole sold drugs ect. He stuck with me, even rented an apartment and moved out of his house to stay with me and keep the family away from my bs instead of having me locked up again. I turned around, my career is fast tracking and Its all due to him and his morals and work ethic. I try every day to make up for the part of his life I pissed away 15 years ago. I cant help to be pissed though. Why the fuck wont he just listen to the docs, its almost like he is tapping out. He wont stop smoking or drinking. He wont talk about anything with me (its a waste of time between deployments he says). Im at a loss here. He worked all of his life and now that one son is a lawyer and I am a soldier and we are both self sefficent he gives up. Im lost here and can only feel mad. How fucked up is this.

ps sorry for the spelling I have had a few tonight
While I do understand your point, and your frustration, do you understand his? I mean, you're saying how selfish he is for not wanting to get treated. How selfish are you for wanting him to go through with it?

I'm not saying this to start an argument. I'm saying this to hopefully open your eyes. Chemo isn't a walk in the park, and it's not a garaunteed cure. Why put up with that horrible shit in the last few months of your life? And if it does work, hell, it could totally come back.

You ever hear of the 5 stages of grieving? Look it up - anger is one of them. He's probably stuck in denial or acceptance. Be there for him, but supportive of HIS decisions, love him Do NOT vent on him. The last thing you want is his (potentially!) last few months on earth to be an ongoing fight. Ultimately though, it's HIS body, and HIS decision. Let him live like he wants to, and go out when he wants to. If he doesn't want to die yet, he'll likely change his mind.
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:38 AM   #8
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This thread really hits home with me. My father had lung cancer, went through with the surgery and then the doc's told him it was too late for the chemo to do him any good. We watched him waste away for about a year and and a half before he passed. Just weeks after he passed, my mother found out she had lung cancer. Docs said she was in good enough shape to have the surgery, then a few rounds of chemo. Well, she had the surgery in July, and hasn't been home since. She started getting a little better so the docs decided she could start chemo. One round of chemo just about killed her. As I'm typing this, she is in the hospital with a feed tube, she can't eat anything and hasn't had any food since the surgery. She can get out of bed only to sit on a commode next to the bed, and has oxygen on constantly. Last week she confided in me that she made a mistake and should have not had the treatments. She is ready to go and upset that the family talked her into getting treated instead of having a pretty good quality of life for as long as she would have made it. I know I'm ranting a little here, but if your dad does not want to go through chemo, maybe he will be able to live a somewhat normal life for as lomg as he has left instead of stuck in some hospital with a feed tube and oxygen. I fell for you, it's a hard thing to go through. Your father was there when you needed him, and maybe now it might be OK for you to be there and support his decision. Good luck.
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Old 11-17-2010, 10:49 AM   #9
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I am a cancer patient myself. I have Nasopharyngeal to be exact. This is my second fight with this awful disease. The first was in 2007. I was 41 at that time. Radiation and chemotheray although has become more advanced and more effective I can not deny the suffering I have endured. At 180 lbs I became 129 lbs. I eat/drink through a tube in my abdomen, my neck is practically burned by radiation. My throat is burning and dry as the Mojave, not to mention I am in constant pain. Fentanyl 50 mcg/hr patch and Percocet can't take all the pain away. I am constanly nauseated, sheesh... its a horrible feeling. My Hgb and Hct was down, just sitting up by myself and I will pass out. I can't sleep because I worried to death about not what will happen to me but what will become of my loving wife and wonderful kids. That is why no matter how angry I am at someone I will never wish for them to have cancer.

Your father might still be going through the stages, (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance). Now whatever it is he is going through now it is important for you and family and friends to support him. I found it very encouraging if I am surrounded with people who are sincere and cheerful. If you practice a religious faith this is a good time to walk with him and to be with him as you lift him and your burden to God.

I don't know the extent of his condition, it might be worth looking for a second opinion. One thing is for sure, he needs all of you by his side. This is the time to love him with no reservation, do not be judgemental of his intentions, just be by his side and love him unconditionally. That is what my wife and kids did.

My family sends our prayers.
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Old 11-17-2010, 11:03 AM   #10
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Your Dad doesn't want to burden anyone else with his problems, its completely unselfish if you ask me man. Your Dad sounds like a strong, honorable, good-willed person, be there for him. Don't fight with him as that's exactly what he is trying to avoid. You and yours are in my prayers!

Paul
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Old 11-17-2010, 11:07 AM   #11
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I feel for everyone in this thread and you are all in my hopes and prayers.. My mom had cancer also and since i was only 13/14 at the time, i wasnt aware of life until she told me what was happeneing. that shit hits you hard, and i mean reaallll hard and to see her cry every single day because of the struggles she had to go through with her sickness, and to deal with her little ingreatful son fvck up in school and always get in trouble made me realize life. I feel like I and other people are put on this earth to take care of your own needs first, but take care of others is right there in importance. I changed my whole entire life for my mom, started getting good grades and taking all of her lessons to heart and changing into a grown up at a young age. doing that little part for myself just to prove to her that i can do something really gave her that little shot of courage and integrity to get through her sickness and fight it every way possible. To this day i have never told my mom i did it for her and i might not ever tell her, but just the fact that i did change made my mom proud and i feel blessed every single day that she made it out alive. But my moral here is, just do whatever it takes for your father to be happy, annoy the shit out of him until he tells you what he wants or what he wants to do because the best feeling in life is being happy, and knowing that other people are happy because of something you did. Trust me, make him happy
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Old 11-17-2010, 11:08 AM   #12
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These are hard things to go through. There are many victims of cancer. I have not been diagnosed (yet), but have lost 3 brothers and a mother to the disease. Now that I'm a little older, I don't tell my 21 and 24 year old children exactly how I feel...about the aches, pains, elevated PSA, biopsies...or any of that stuff. They have enough on their plates with life...and don't need to be worried about how I feel, what is bothering me, etc. Should I be diagnosed, I will not worry my children with it until it is time to tell them I won't be around much longer. Until then I want to enjoy them and life.
My mom never complained and neither did my dad...and I know they all had many aches, pains, and ailments.... (one could always assess this by the number of pills, injections, or concoctions each took every day)

Have you ever seen a parent not wanting to protect their children? Doesn't happen..unless under the most severe psychological or emotional condiditons.

I pray for your dad, you, and the rest of your family. I CAN understand your anger, but I can also understand his reasoning.
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Old 11-17-2010, 11:34 AM   #13
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Dude, your dad loves you no matter what you did when you were younger. As a father I can't imagine not loving my son regardless of what he does. Also, he's dealing with his illness in his own way, it may not be the way you would chose to but it's his decision and his alone. I lost my mom to cancer when I was younger and she didn't tell anybody she was sick until the end. It took me a while to come to terms with that but I have. You have made him proud. Good luck thanks for your service.
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Old 11-17-2010, 11:53 AM   #14
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Thank you guys. All the comments are things I know but are very hard to relize. I am used to death but its an instant death not one that is prolonged. This seems much harder to deal with. I know there is no bitterness with how I acted as a kid with my dad but I will always feel like he deserved better as a father. Thank you again guys. I was reading through this today and was touched by how much thought and heart was written by total strangers. Im not religious but believe strongly in karma. I remember, still, little tidbits of wisdom dad told me when I was young. One was when we were reroofing a neighbors house when I was 5 or 6 and I asked him what the point of life was. Without missing a hammer swing he grinned and said "son at my funneral I want somebody to say the world is a little better because I stuck it out." Thank you again
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:07 PM   #15
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:47 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by j83soldier View Post
Thank you guys. All the comments are things I know but are very hard to relize. I am used to death but its an instant death not one that is prolonged. This seems much harder to deal with. I know there is no bitterness with how I acted as a kid with my dad but I will always feel like he deserved better as a father. Thank you again guys. I was reading through this today and was touched by how much thought and heart was written by total strangers. Im not religious but believe strongly in karma. I remember, still, little tidbits of wisdom dad told me when I was young. One was when we were reroofing a neighbors house when I was 5 or 6 and I asked him what the point of life was. Without missing a hammer swing he grinned and said "son at my funneral I want somebody to say the world is a little better because I stuck it out." Thank you again
Dont worry my man, you will have very strong emotions for him especially because hes your dad and a figure you have admired and loved more than anything in the world you whole life if you realize it or not, but you cant prepare yourself for death or recover from death. I honestly dont think you can. Well i cant. ive lost three very close friends, but this isnt about me. you just need think about him with a smile on your face and a laugh in your heart. laughter cures everything. remember those really god times you had together, dont dwell on what you guys couldve done or how you couldve been better. im sure when hes in heaven hell say how eventful his life and laugh at the people who had those boring children that never did anything. You were probably one helluva kid and hell know that forever
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Old 11-17-2010, 01:09 PM   #17
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I absolutely understand what you are going through....

Little over 10 years ago, my father basically quit eating and started losing wieght rapidly. My father, just like me was pig headed, very stubborn, etc. He never wanted my mother, my sister or myself to be burdoned. He always would tell us he was on a diet and that he was feeling fine. I always knew he was full of shit.

He finally admitted to us that he was diagnosed with cancer of the colon. It did bring our family closer that it had ever brought us before. My father went through the treatments but it didn't seem to work. Come to find out that his cancer had just spread to his liver. He was then given six months to live. He died two weeks later.

During the final two weeks of his life, he was in constant pain. He also had several heart attacks during this time. It was his final heart attack that when my mother called an ambulance to the house, instead of taking him to the hospital, they took him to a hospice facility.

There were times he would ask the doctors to give him an injection and to put him to sleep. That would just break my heart to hear that. One thing that took away his pain was when the entire family was there. He would smile and tell us stories. I can still remember telling me to write down his famous redneck spaghetti recipe becausee he knew he wouldn't be around much longer and that it was on of my favorite dishes. He told my sister that she had another sister about 20 years older living in Lousiana somewhere. It was something that I had know for years but promised never to tell her.

My family was there when he finally passed.

I just held on to him and kept telling him that I loved him and that I promise to take care of my mom and sister. I watched as his feet and legs turned dark from the lack of blood circulation. His breathing became more shallow. I finally told that he can let go that you don't have to suffer anymore. Seconds later, he took his last breath. It was 1:48 in the morning on February 26th.

I still visit him as much as I can. I work in Washington DC and he is buried in Arlington Cemetary.

I guess what I am trying to say is to cherish every moment with your father. Be there for him now and for as long as possible.

God bless your father and I wish him the best !!!
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:52 AM   #18
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Name: Ben
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This thread is the epitome of love and caring and support here at TacomaWorld. Bob started more than just a place to talk trucks. One of the main reasons any more I come back here(because my time has been crunched so bad this year!) is to visit this area and share in support and prayer of those that love Tacomas like me.

Joshua, i'm sorry if my words are a distraction to this situation, but this moved me so much I had to mention it.

I don't feel I can add anything more than has been said. The one thing I can do is place your fathers name on my prayer list in my pocket that I carry daily at work. I will be praying for complete healing for your father, as well as comfort and understanding for all of you around him. Could I have his name if you don't mind? Thanks, and my thoughts and prayers are there for you, dad and the family.
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Old 01-06-2011, 01:19 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hoosiertaco View Post
This thread is the epitome of love and caring and support here at TacomaWorld. Bob started more than just a place to talk trucks. One of the main reasons any more I come back here(because my time has been crunched so bad this year!) is to visit this area and share in support and prayer of those that love Tacomas like me.

Joshua, i'm sorry if my words are a distraction to this situation, but this moved me so much I had to mention it.

I don't feel I can add anything more than has been said. The one thing I can do is place your fathers name on my prayer list in my pocket that I carry daily at work. I will be praying for complete healing for your father, as well as comfort and understanding for all of you around him. Could I have his name if you don't mind? Thanks, and my thoughts and prayers are there for you, dad and the family.
sorry it took me so long to reply, I kinda did what I always do and dive into work and ignore the problem.

First my friend, your statements about TW did not take anything at all away, if fact it stated the truth. That being no matter how many times we argue about trucks, tire sizes and girls bra sizes it boils down to this being an amazing group of guys from all walks of life. This thread, yalls support, for the first time in my adult life made me cry I let everything go. Thank you.

My fathers name is William Ross. He goes by Phil. His father died when he was young and he entered the military (army) at 18. He did 2 tours in 'Nam and earned his masters, at which time he maxed out his education benifits. He then entered the Airforce and completed another 2 tours in order to complete his Phd. He is an amazing man who kicks adversitys ass.

That being said, for the first time in 8 years, I was in the country and able to go home for christmas making the family complete and in one place at one time. I talked to my father extensively. We are both quitting smoking (although I have sneaked 2 smokes in the last week as I am sure he has also). Furthermore dad agreed to start an agressive version of chemo/radiation treatment. His treatment started yesterday. Dad has been given a 75% mortality rate with treatment but we agree that it is better than a 100% mortality rate. I brought my GF home for the first time during christmas too. In fact it was the first time in 27 years I have ever introduced a girl to the family formally. I did so with somewhat selfish intentions of using her as leverage to convince my father to fight as a new chapter in our family might be starting too. I hope my actions are not to selfish. I hope that I am not pushing undue sickness on the man I strive to emulate on a daily bases. I will say, even though I want nothing more than for my father to live another 20 years and enjoy HIS life a big part of me wants him to live FOR ME and for that I feel guilty. There is no right or wrong answer to this. Please keep up the prayers as he is now fighting instead of just dying. You guys truley have touched me with all of your support and prayers. Thank you.
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Old 01-06-2011, 06:02 AM   #20
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Joshua, you & your family, especially your Dad Phil, is in my daily prayers
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