I felt the need to write this since so many people followed my life and going's on for a long time. I believe what I write will help someone else in need, that maybe they will know they are not alone.
I can not explain how I felt inside after Michele past, she was everything to me, I spent over half her life with her and to be taken at a young age ate me up inside. Beside feeling betrayed I felt angry, hurt, left in the cold and all alone.
For months I would stay out on the porch at night and ask for some sort of sign, a dream, the smell of her or something. When it never came I sort of gave up.
I got really sick, I lost 65 pounds, my body was no longer producing red blood cells, my insides were slowly shutting down. I was not sleeping, 4 to 5 days with only an hour or two, and suffered from severe depression.
There comes a time when people need to leave, they have a life, they need to head home to work, family etc, and I understood that. My issue was I covered everything up with the words "I am OK".
I began to write the darkest feelings I had inside, being lost, or beside ones self. Ha let me say I turned heads with that.
You can tell people by how they act in certain situations, some said I was a lost cause, I fell from grace. I had turned to a dark side of life, but alls they did was look. They did not listen to the screams I had. Please do not get me wrong, I am not judging anyone, nor do I hold any hard feeling's. All of this has made me grow, I see things in a light now that I never have before. And true, some of this was MY doing, I pushed things away. Even here on TW, one call and I knew I could have someone here, or have the word put out that I need help. But like a MAN I was proud, a meat eater and did not need any help.
I was deeply touched when I would get a text from someone here, and they came at the right times. I began to heal but still carried the cross of so many other things. For a year I suffered, asking why were questions not answered. I asked the Lord to take me instead, I did not want to deal with life and the raising of two girls. I realized it's not me to fill in the answers to the questions I ask. Once I got past that, and didn't look back at it I would heal the way I needed to.
My next door neighbor, he is a big man, body builder, Mr.Indiana. He followed my family since we moved here in 03. He is not a Goldy man, and does not know the Lord. He heard my story and seen first hand the toll it was taken on me. Out of the blue I was standing talking with him, giving him my sob, how sad is me story. When he slapped me on the back of the head. Now it hurt, and for a split second pissed me off. He told me to wake up, get my head out of my butt and move on.
You know something, he was right. I began to crawl out of the hole I was in and get into the light. He has become like a brother to me, anything in my house is his and he is welcome whenever. He help me in looking at the Jeep and is a good friend.
Where am I at now? my body has fully healed, mentally I am strong as I have been. I have a new zest for life, not answering my own question. If the Lord brings another into my life, I will listen.
People give little clues when they are hurting, or when they need help support and prayer. They may not ask, but the signs are there.
Here on TW, is like a family. Its hard for me to understand (GET MY HEAD AROUND) that WE or most of us came together because of a truck. That anyone of us can vent, share, surprise, give joy and even hurt knowing someone will listen.
You all better know you have touched me inside, that my home is open to any of you. I have an extra bed or two, and a pillow to put your heads on. And thats the truth.
I have moved on with my life, being guided by the highest power. I think of Michele all the time. But I know she is happy with what I am doing now, and how the girls have grown and learned.
I am blessed with them, I am blessed with family and friends. And I am blessed knowing I have friends through out the U.S. and can chat with them here on TW.
But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.