Heroine and its results

I got a call yesterday that I mever thought I'd receive. During junior and senior high I basically lived at my best friends house. It was uncommon for me to be at my own home at all during the summers. He and I were absolutely inseparable. Until he started doing drugs. Started off just experimenting, pot mostly. Then it went to other stuff, then pills, then coke, then heroine. We drifted apart during that time in his life, most of which he couldnt put two memories together to this day. But it was always understood between us that we were still best friends. He always felt like he would taint my 'goodness' just because I never indulged in that kind of stuff. To his mom 'i was the good son' she would always say jokingly.

He'd been clean for six years. Settled down, had a beautiful baby girl. Yesterday he was found dead in his bathroom, needle marks all over his feet. Theres no thought that it was an intentionally high dosage, probably just ehat he was accustomed to, but he's super healthy and clean for so long it was just too much for his body to handle and his heart stopped. They tried resuscitating him six different times but his heart wouldn't stay on its own. I'm so saddened by the loss of my friend, but it's really made me an advocate for honesty. No one knew what he was going through. He didnt let anyone see his pain and just wanted to be numb. Please ask hard questions of the ones you love. And reversely, please be honest with your loved ones. If you need help, ask for it. Life isn't always easy, but with good people around you, at least it doesnt have to be lonely. Even if its me you reach out to, I'd be on a plane in a heartbeat if it meant saving a life.

I'd give anything to have one more conversation with my best friend, our last one was good which i'm grateful for, but it shouldn't have been the last. I have to eulogize and remember someone that I would have made countless new memories with instead of reliving old ones. We moved all his stuff out of his apartment today, his uncle and I, just sat and drank his crappy PBR on his couch. He'll always be missed. Reach out if you need a hand. Someone will grab it.

 

Sorry for your loss OP. Prayers for you and the family. Great words you have shared.

 

RIP to your friend.

 

Its an honor to be able to remember him as the man he wanted to be. He taught me what it means to give your word. It was our trump card. You HAD to be honest when that was said. And he always was, and I aleays will be. Im better having known him, thats for sure.

 

Sorry for your loss benbacher.
Heroin use in the past 5-10 yrs has grown to epic proportions. Every city, every state. Even small town u.s.a. is reeling from heroin usage. A very, very small town of Austin, in in Scott county which is just an hour south of my hometown now has one of the largest outbreaks of HIV cases due to the use of heroin and opana. Cornfields, creeks, bean fields. Nothing like you would expect. (Not that HIV has anything to do with this case, just citing the usage).
It seems to be the mainstream drug of choice nowadays and not just for a certain genre of people.
Covering poor, middle class, upper class, young and old alike. Like most other drugs, it doesn't discriminate.
Hope you find some peace within yourself. Sounds like he was really a great friend.
Prayers for all.

 

Its crazy. I genuinely don't understand it. He spent tears of his life waking up, shooting up, stealing, pawning, buying, using, repeating. In that order. Months and months of that.

 

Prayers to you and all involved.
Addiction is a terrible thing. Until you have been in it's grip, you wont understand.
True shame. Sucks loosing someone to that.
God bless all.
Tears in my eyes.Been there.

 

It's hard to see people do this to themselves especially when they have kids. Sorry for your, and even more so, his daughter's loss.

 

Holy Shit, Ben. That sucks. My thoughts are with you, and his family.
Goddamn drugs.

 

Worst part is his kid. I lose t every time I see her. She looks just like him and she has no idea whats happening. Keeps asking when he's coming home.

 

Thanks scott. Still wrapping my brain around everything. The feedback is helpful. In and out of grief for sure.

 

It's easier to stay clean than to get clean. I've seen this dozens of times. Sorry he didn't make it.

 

Its been interesting talking woth friends and family, finsing out just how structured grief actually is. Some people might take longer to get through the different stages but it seems like we're all on the same rollercoaster. Anger, disbelief, straight up denial, deep remorse. The think in me is looking outside at the process which is sometimes helpful if I dont want to be PART of that process.

 

Thats whats weird. He stayed clean six years, which I'd guess is a long time for an addict?

 

Damn that is harsh OP sorry to hear

 

Sorry to hear that Ben. Prayers for his little daughter, family and of course for you. Very nice sentiments written in your OP

 

It's a great start. But its a forever battle. Doesn't really matter what the addiction is. It's why folks in AA count by days sober.

Problem is too many think they are now in control, and can dabble again. And they can't. You are an addict forever, abstinence is your only hope of survival.

I'm sorry your friend slid over the edge again. It's tragic to see.

You are learning about the grieving process, and a lot of what you've said is spot on. There are generally 7 steps or phases. Different ones take different time periods for different people. The key to success is not getting stuck, or going 'backwards' in the process.

And you are correct, there is no predetermined time to be out of grieving.

Three things.

1) It's not your fault. You're likely to wake up one day and blame yourself, for whatever convoluted logic our brains uses. All the things 'I could have done, or should have done'. Nope, it was his choice, his escape, his decision. The best you can do is what you are doing. Use the experience to encourage others to avoid the same path.

2) There is a program called GriefShare. I don't recommend it until a few months after the loss has occurred, because one needs to be beyond some of the immediate emotional stresses of the loss. But I highly recommend you find a group and join it, and participate, not just sit and watch. Yes, you'll find it's Christian based, and maybe that doesn't appeal to you. But attend anyway, because it truly does focus on the grieving process. Even if all you walk away with is confirmation that you have adequately recognized and moved through the steps, that's worth the time, just to know that you know.

3) There are groups like Al Anon, made not for the addict, but those impacted by them. If you find yourself, or others close to your friend, slipping into the 'it's my fault' role, I highly recommend you go, and/or take them. You'll learn many things that will help you understand why it isn't. And how to deal with those who are, should you have those types of associations again.

His daughter will need counseling. At various times through her life, because her awareness will change as she matures. Maybe your role will be to assist in seeing that happens.

My sincere condolences for the loss of your friend, and praying for his family in this difficult time..............

 

So sorry to hear that, lost one of my old best friends the night he got out of rehab. Heroine is the worst.

 

Very sorry to hear, Ben. Best thoughts to you and his family! Great words in your OP also.

 

Thank you Billy, all helpful. I definitely don't blame myself, thats just giving the devil a foothold. Of course I wish I could talk to him again and make sure he knows he's loved but our last conversation was a good depuction of how I wanted him remember me. I worked at a church as a pastor for several years and because he went down the path he did, I think he always felt like I'd judge him or just couldn't relate to him. The relatability he's probably right, I never even smoked a cigarette, had my first drink at 21, and my V-card was stamped my wedding night, so we just went different ways for a lot of years but it was always understood that we were still like brothers, if that makes sense. His wife had cheated on him a few months back and he called me talking about divorce. He wanted to know what the Bible had to say about it. All he knew was "god hates divorce". I can remember exactly where I was when I called him. Walked him through how I interperet that as yeah, God hates divorce, because divorce is painful and He doesn't want to see his kids in pain. Lots of people get hung up on the first sentence and don't give it the context of the rest of the scriptures thinking God's judging them or disappointed in their choices. I remember saying 'so yeah, if youre calling to find out if I feel anything about you getting divorced, you're right, I don't want you to, because I don't want you to experience that pain though, not because I think its wrong. Divorce is painful but marriage can be painful too'. I got to tell him my heart for him and Im grateful for that.