Joke of the Day

haha

 

Letter to ex-wife....
Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minut es, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.



P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife


Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true

that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.



When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.



After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.



My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.



P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.



Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

 

I dont write these, however when I read this one I wish I could take credit for it.​

Light Bulb

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb? ​

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. ​

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. ​

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. ​

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. ​

53 to flame the spell checkers. ​

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames. ​

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive ​

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp". ​

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct. ​

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy". ​

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group ​

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped. ​

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group. ​

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. ​

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs. ​

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's. ​

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group. ​

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too". ​

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. ​

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three". ​

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. ​

44 to ask what is a "FAQ". ​

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" ​

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs". ​

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.... ​

 

Job Ads Made Easy

What the Job Ad says & What it means: ​

Advancement opportunity:
Sh*t job ​

Entry level
Really sh*t job ​

No experience necessary
The mother of all sh*t jobs ​

Administrative assistant
Sh*t job with a title ​

Ground floor opportunity
Sh*t job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year ​

Progressive company
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday ​

Team player
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities ​

Upbeat personality
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year ​

Word processing skills essential
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future. ​

Public relations Receptionist Professional appearance important
$20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe ​

Pleasant telephone manner
Be voice of 1-900-SUCK ​

Earn up to $300/hr:
BE 1-900-SUCK ​

Salary range $24K to $32K
This salary is $24K ​

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions ​

B.A. required, master's preferred
Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.'s salary ​

Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago ​

Women & minorities encouraged to apply
White males need not waste the stamp ​

Outstanding benefits package
Health insurance ​

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job. ​

Top-notch communication skills
Telemarketing ​

Beautiful offices in attractive locations
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting ​

Secretary
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker ​

Executive secretary
The most powerful position in any company ​

Dedicated
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement ​

Salary commensurate
We will pay whatever the hell we feel like ​

Salary negotiable
We will take the lowest bidder ​

Competitive salary
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job, but not one penny more ​

Competitive starting salary
Ten cents above minimum wage ​

Pleasant atmosphere
A staff of pod people ​

Professional atmosphere
Zombie pod people ​

Fun, creative atmosphere
Pod people from hell ​

Dynamic atmosphere
Zombie pod people from hell ​

Gal Friday
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it ​

Self-starter
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means ​

 

There is a new Preist in town.

He doesn't really know his way around so when he is venturing around he gets lost and so he asks a stranger for directions.

The stranger replies "well father your pretty close, all you do is keep goin down this street and take a left at the set of lights. Go about another block and a half and its on your right. Big brick building before the bridge. Cant miss it."

"oh ok thank you thank you" father replies "i wish there were more kind people like you around these days, how can i repay you?" he asks

the stranger says "oh dont worry about it have a good day"

the father says " well ill tell you what. come to my service on sunday and ill show you the way to heaven"

the stranger replies "fuck you buddy you dont even know your way to the post office"

 

CIRCLE FLIES

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once Mr. President discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and using mono-syllabic words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

 

Bar Jar

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?' ​

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.' ​

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' ​

'You must pay first. Those are the rules,' says the bartender. ​

So, after thinking it over awhile, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. ​

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do: ​

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. ​

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. ​

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex. You have to take care of that problem!' ​

The man is stunned. ​

'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!' he says. 'I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things. ' ​

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.' ​

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?' ​

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face, and he does it in fifty-eight seconds! ​

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds..... then nothing but silence! ​

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body. ​

He says, 'Now, where's that old woman with the bad tooth?' ​

The moral of the story: ​

Listen carefully to directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved! ​

 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

want to try this in class but I might be getting more than i bargained for.

 

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. The doctor tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.

But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!"

 

Awesome! Two thumbs up for that one!

 

BREAKING NEWS:

​

This just in!!! Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!!!

 

lmao aint that the truth!

 

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.











​

 

A bus load of politicians were driving down a Texas country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

......The old farmer said he had buried them.

...The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'

The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but, you know how they lie.'

 

Always keep several get well cards on the mantle...

So if unexpected guests arrive, They will think you've been sick and unable to clean

 

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en-route to airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine - 2 under

11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine - 4 under

2:15 Limo back to the airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over, naturally).

6:45 Shit, Shower and Shave

7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated;

7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies...some bending over)

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 A night cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

 

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her
hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher,
knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl
to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with
my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and
before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the
little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say ' Fuck,' the rottweiler ate him!"