Joke of the Day

i wanna see the whole thing, pics included. where did you get this?

 

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill
Clinton and turn in book reports on each of them. One sharp witted student
turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were
nearly identical stories and hence only one book report was required!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99

Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent
catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically, the same thing.

 

do the pics not show up for you?

 

Worked for me.

 

A REDNECK was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.

'Twenty dollars' she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks, So they hide in the bushes.

They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' Asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'

 

A nun is sitting on a train opposite a skin head who is eating a bag of prawns, every time he eats one he spits the head at her and she throws it out of the window. Eventually she gets pissed off and she pulls the emergency cord.

The skinhead looks at her and says" you’ll get a fifty pound fine for that you stupid slut" and laughs.

She laughs back and says "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers you`ll get ten years you bald bastard".

 

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

 

i love it x1 . .absolutly correct

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'
The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?

HE NEVER EVEN HEARD THE SHOT ....

 

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been seeing each other for a while. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.


Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

 

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

"Do you want a bed near the window or the bathroom?"

 

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.


Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.




It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift..

Case Closed!

 

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

What do you do when your old lady is staggering around the back yard?
Reload & shoot her again.

What do you tell a women with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she has already been told twice.

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink when they do the dishes.

What's the difference between a woman & a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

 

I almost fell out of my chair at work reading that...

 

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

 

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed: P...E...N...I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

 

A man takes his wife and young son shopping at Wal-Mart. When they walk by the toy section, the kid starts asking for his Dad to buy him a toy. The Dad abruptly says "No, fat head. Come on." A lady stocking shelves noticed how rude the Dad was to the Son, but doesn't say anything. The family continues shopping, going up and down each aisle. Occasionally, the kid would see something he wanted and start begging the Dad. Each time the Dad would rudely tell the kid "Shut up and come on fat head." The Wal-Mart lady becoming ever more perturbed, still held her tongue. The family finished their shopping and headed to check-out. As they were waiting in line, the kid reaches up and grabs a candy bar off the shelf. "Put that back down fat head. You don't need that junk." The Wal-Mart lady had finally had all she could handle. She walked up to the family and says to the Dad "I can't believe you talk to your son like that. You should be ashamed." Then she turns to the Mom and says "You should never let anyone speak to your child that way!" The Dad looks up at the clerk and says "Ma'am, there's three things a man wants in life. A nice truck is one. If you'll go outside to the right side of the parking lot, you'll see a brand spanking new Toyota Tacoma Off Road. That's mine. Another thing a man wants is to provide a nice home for him and his family. If you drive over to Maple Street, the 3rd house on the left is mine. The last thing a man wants is a nice tight p***y, and I had one 'till this Fat Head came along."

 

~A guy comes home and see his wife blow drying her pussy. He askes her what she's doing and she says "Heating up your dinner."

~Women are like KFC. When you're done sucking on the breasts and thighs you have a greasy box to put your bone in.

~Imagine picking up some whore from the bar, banging the shit out of her, cumming inside her, and then pulling out and seeing a broken condom hanging off the end of your dick. The only thing worse than that would be if you weren't wearing a condom when you started fucking her.