Adult Child... living back at home :(

Please note the original posted date 7-10, almost a year ago and for anyone interested there is a current update on page 7. Thank you.



You guys are good at life experience type advice...so help me out.

My boyfriend's adult child is moving back in with us, should be for only 6 months this time .
Here is the short story, he is 20yrs old and is getting out of jail on parole for burglary. He has a juvenile arrest history, minor stuff..this was his 1st adult offense right after he turned 18. The judge gave him a 6 month 1st offender bootcamp program that if he passed he wouldn't get convicted of a felony, well he made it a month before he got kicked out and sent to prison to serve his term so he is now a convicted felon. He didn't have anywhere to parole to so his Dad decided to give him another chance and he will stay with us till he is off parole then he will go live with his Mom in another state.

Here is the problem, this kid has absolutely no respect for his Father or himself much less anyone else. He's never held a steady job, has nothing to his name and has never done anything for himself. He's in trouble with the law constantly but always seems to get out of it. I doubt he will make it the 6 months on parole.

What kind of house rules should there be for an adult child back living in their parents home?
What consquences should there be? <---This is our biggest issue!

What kind of jobs can a 20yr old felon with no experience get?

It's like he breaks rules on purpose, simple things like clean your dishes after you use them and 1st chance he gets he leaves dirty dishes on the counter ...

Parole Officer said we could kick him out if he didn't follow our rules, but it would take a lot for his Dad to actually follow through with that.

Advice, similar stories..anything is appreciated ...good thoughts for the next 7 months to go by quickly for me!!

 

The biggest thing is to have a plan, both of you, and stick to it.
I honestly don't think I could have him live with me but that is a discussion you'll have to have with the S.O.

 

You gotta be stern with him. Write down on a list your basic house rules that you and your bf follow consistently. There cant be rules on there that you don't do as well. At the end of the list which hopefully is more then 15 items long. Clearly state your process for when he breaks the rules. He needs to know that if he breaks just 1 of these 20 at any given point then his parole officer will come and escort him to jail. Hope that works.

 

Rules for lawbreakers are pointless.

Your best option is to not even let him back in the door in the first place. This will be nothing but trouble.

 

I agree with jandrews but not letting him stay there would have to be the father's decision so you don't become that bad girl in this to the father and the punk. Either way you go this will be big disruption in your household. I feel for you and hope for the best but the way you have described it there seems to be no good answer. Yes = bullshit turmoil in your house with him. No = bullshit turmoil in your house with dad and probable foul reactions on the kid's part for you being why he can't stay there unless dad makes it super clear to him that he is the one not wanting him there. In the end, both of them will have to deal with how all this affects you is how I see it.

 

I didn't want him to come back and live with us, he doesn't respect our home and it doesn't do anything but make it a bad situation for all of us. He doesn't learn from his mistakes, I doubt he has grown up or learned anything the past year in jail.

But I'm not a parent so I don't know what it's like to want to help your child no matter what mistakes they make. So we have talked about it and I'm willing to stand by my bf's side and support him while he tries to help out his son...again. He came back twice before he ended up in jail and each of those times only lasted a few months, so I don't see him making it 6 months this time.
So anyway he is definately coming to stay, that isn't going to change .

My bf is involving me in the whole process, it is our house and the kid has to respect both of us. We are trying to come up with a list of rules, expectations and consequences to give to him before he gets out so he knows what to expect well ahead of time and can't make excuses.

But yeah rules for a criminal are pointless, but I have to at least make an effort...guess it's like setting the kid up to fail again, really.

 

A failure to understand and grasp this on the kid's part, at least in my mind & parenting world, should involve a major ass kicking from dad on the way out the door next time he fucks up IMO.....but I know that you just can't get thru to some people and the only way for them to learn how shit is is to kick their ass out in the world and let them sink or swim. I know it's seems easy for strangers to just throw that shit out there and much different to actually do but I have gone thru similar stuff not to the extent with the law and prison and all with my girls and their mom's crap at their house and them not having an example of how the real world works and such. They are having trouble adapting to adult life and deprogramming the bullshit their mom has fed them for 20 yrs. I do know how tough it is to have to slam the door on enabling your kids bad directions by continually trying to do things for them and it never actually helping them. OMG it fucks with me hard to be forced into tough love actions on girls in this day and age with the way the world is but nothing else is doing anything but causing problems in my household with my wife so I do know what you are facing having to deal with this from a step parent angle too. It's tough stuff and hard as hell not to grow tumors worrying about everything that could happen for all concerned.

I guess the bottom line is...no one else's answer will necessarily be the one that works in your situation. I don't know that I even have answer for my situation, much less anyone else's. Sorry for the non-help

 

This has bad idea written all over it. As a felon, is it to late to have him go into the Marines? I'm not sure they will take a felon. I personally would worry about your safety, I’m surprised your boyfriend would allow him to move in. I would give him a zero tolerance rule about staying. I would force him to go to counseling, maybe it will help him turn it around, if he says no, he’s out
Doesn’t follow the house rules, he’s out. Break any law’s, turn him into his parole officer. If he won’t go along with these conditions I think you should consider moving out, for your own safety. IMO

Good luck

 

Oh Kristin, I have no suggestions but will send your way.
I watch a few of my friends go through this with their adult children...drug use, lying, arrests etc. You hit the nail on the head -
no respect, no responsibility, & nothing changes if nothing changes.
Best of luck, vent when you need too.

 

chores, chores, keep him busy. when i was older, in high school, my parents would punnish me by taking away privlages. at his age, his friends are most likely what matters to him most. taking away the cell phone, car, internet, and hanging out on nights, and weekends for two weeks or more would hurt.

 

I agree with you...I'm not worried about my safety, I used to work on the police department and he knows not to mess with me.
The Military wont take him and we tried to get him into it while he was in HS before he could become a felon, well he couldn't get a high enough score on the ASVAB to even get in then.
I'll turn him into the PO the 1st time he violates and his Dad knows this too.

I'm all for zero tolerance, the problem is getting his Dad on board with that and following through. He has a problem with enabling his son because he feels like it is his fault that the kid keeps screwing up. He is starting to stop blaming himself little by little, but it's a very hard process. I'm trying to show him that his actions are hurting the kid more than helping and that he can't keep blaming himself for the choices an adult makes, at some point he has to let him live his own life. He is getting there, but it's not happening very fast.

 

I agree with all of this. It may be OP's best and only answer depending on how things go. Past a certain point, OP will have to make hard decisions about what's best for her future.

 

no bunk beds!

 

Thanks for sharing your story, means a lot to hear from someone that was there themselves.
You hit the nail on the head! He has major issues with authority and that is why he failed the boot camp program. He doesn't care about anything at all, he has no remorse for his victims and has never had to face major consequences for his actions. He takes advantage of his Dad because he knows his Dad feels bad and blames himself.
I'm trying to get his Dad to see this, he has finally acknowledged that the kid doesn't respect or appreciate him, so it's progress.

He had a drug problem before, just pot and some alcohol, so I think the PO will be randomly testing him. Terms of parole are no alcohol at all.
Valuables are going to be locked up in a safe or bolted down.

We can give him chores, but what to do if he refuses to do them? There is nothing to take away...
He has no friends, he has no cell phone, no internet, no car, etc. His curfew per his terms of parole is 7pm-7am.

 

sounds like the kid needs a good ass kicking. if he were my kid and he did crap like that Id kick his ass to the curb. I wont tolerate that kind of crap in my house. if hes staying i would make him cut the grass, do the dishes, clean the house, clean up the yard.


good luck with that!

watch your shit in case he decides to be a complete dumbass and steal something of yours.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, I have thought about this many times. I've been tempted to just leave many times before he ended up in jail. I have to make the effort and try to help his Dad get through this, so I'm hoping and trying for the best.
He has another son who is also a criminal and he no longer has a relationship with that son, but he wasn't in that kids life much to begin with cause the Mom wouldn't allow it. He's raised this son on his own for awhile, the Mom has serious issues which hasn't helped with this kids behaviors either.
I'm confident that my bf will stick with me and not allow his son to come between us, this has happened in the past already and we made it through, but things change and you are right I don't know how much I'm willing to deal with if this gets worse than we are imagining. We are trying our best to prepare together and make it work. Our relationship is coming first.

 

Thank you and you have been a help.

I totally see where you are coming from, some people are 'enablers' and they have to get past that. That is what I'm hoping to change, but it's very hard when someone has done it for so many years and blame themselves for other peoples choices.

The last time the son was kicked out of our house it did get physical between his Dad and him, that does worry me. It was shortly after this that the kid ended up in jail.

 

what about going to counseling with your BF..??
maybe he can learn some other ways to deal with his son and strengthen your relationship at the same time

 

The kid is 20. Do you really think making him wash the dishes is going to do anything? Face it, that's the chore an 8 year old does. I bet it didn't work when he was 8, right?

I'm assuming he's got some sort of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, like most criminals. Has he ever had counseling? I doubt it'll help much, but if might be an avenue you haven't explored. Good luck getting him a job. Maybe construction, or some other labor-intensive job. You don't need much brains, don't need much experience, and it leaves you tired enough that you don't want to go do anything afterwards. of course, he'll probably just not show up one day.

Don't be so light on him; you're already showing you are. "Pot and booze" IS drug use. Get it through your head. Alcohol is one of very few drugs that can kill you as you detox off of it. Pot is often just more than pot, and even if it isn't, um, it's still illegal. So why do you make light of it?

Sounds like you want to do the right thing, but I read your responses as already making excuses for him. Think about this long and hard before you invite him back to your house. You say your BF is keeping you involved in this. But it's also YOUR house too - is this what you want? If not, why is your BF forcing this upon you?

 

Are you kidding? Sometimes people need to hit a bottom. Don't know if you own the house but you are entitled to live your live w/o someone elses hassle.