Adult Child... living back at home :(

good luck !

 

This is an extreamly hard situation for you.
I agree with giving somone a second chance.
If they understand it is only a second not a third, fourth, or fifth chance.

Household chores are fine if he decides to go along with your program. So far he seems not to be worried about what happens if he does not do his part.

I would strongly recomend he secure a job, yes very hard to get nowadays even without a felony, but this will be the litmus test.
He needs to understand that living somewhere is not free anymore.
If he can get and hold a job any job that will tell you how it is going to go.

Many times hitting bottom is the only way some people see the light of day. He has decided to put a huge barrier in front of himself by screwing up the bootcamp deal knowing the result would be a felony conviction.

The job test should make or break the deal for you guys.
It will be real easy for him to make money the old way stealing or burglary.
If he chooses that route there is little more you can do to help.

Your other problem and should be your first is to come to an understanding with your S.O. that the program you two decide to follow with him HAS to be unbending. No more chances in a moment of weekness.
The child (adult) will work this for all he and you two are worth.

Set the rules and have a plan when he breaks them, do not cave.

You are correct he may be back in prison as you suspect if he does not change.
DO NOT let him destroy your life and all you two have together.
This will be a test of your S.O.s strength as well.
Stay strong with what you decide, a little pain of kicking him out soon is not as bad as many years of hoping he will " get it "

Best wishes to you two.

 

Was thinking about this and looking into options. His Dad and him have been to counseling when the kid was younger, but nothing recently. I'll see if the PO can suggest anyone or a group or something.

It was just an example of how absurd and disrespectful his behaviors are. What 20yr old doesn't know how to follow simple rules in life and take care of themselves? His behaviors are completely ridiculous...so what to do about it? Just deal with it, that's not going to happen. If he wants to act like an 8yr old I'll treat him like an 8yr old.

I think it's Conduct Disorder and ODD. He's had counseling when he was younger, cause he was acting out in school...oh yes all the typical signs of him growing up and turning into a criminal were there, but nobody did anything about them then.
I doubt they did any classes or counseling in jail, I'll ask, but not like it would help much.
We were thinking he would have to try doing odd jobs such as manual labor, it's going to be near impossible for him to get a job. He quits his jobs when he doesn't like them anymore, well cause he has always had Dad to run to, so that has to stop, problem is getting it to stop that is what I'm trying to help with. His Dad is a good person and is trying to do the right thing, he just doesn't know what the right thing to do is. He is making an effort to change and he's doing that for me and for himself.

I don't make light of the drug use, I have never even tried pot, I've never ever taken an illegal drug and I very rarely ever drink alcohol so I'm very much against it. I was just simply saying he hadn't gotten into the hard stuff like meth, coke, heroin etc yet. I wouldn't be surprised if at some point he does though. If I even slightly suspect he is on drugs or drinking at all I'll be on the phone immediately to his PO, don't care what his Dad thinks about it and I'm making that known right now. It absolutely will not be tolerated.

I'm not making excuses for his behavior, just saying what he has done in the past and why I think he's done those things and why I doubt he will change now. There is absolutely no acceptable excuse for any of his behaviors.

Yes, my bf is involving me by asking for my thoughts, opinions and help, but no it is not technically my house, I'd be free to leave any time I wanted. I live here, but it is his house and they both lived here together before I moved in. I only recently started to feel like it was 'my house' too, I've always felt like I just lived here. What would make it 'my house'?
You could say he is forcing it on me, he didn't ask me for permission to allow his son to move in. I'm not a parent so I don't know what it's like to want to help my child or have to choose between a girlfriend and my own kid. That's why I'm here asking for advice I guess.

I don't own the home, it is my bf's house and I moved in a few years ago when the son was still in HS and living here also. He has been kicked out and came back a couple times since he turned 18 and before he ended up in jail.
I'm free to leave at any point if I don't want to live with him. It would be like asking my bf to choose between me and his son, I don't know if that is an acceptable thing to do and I don't know how I'd feel asking someone to make that choice when in their heart they just want to try to do the right thing and try to help his child. I haven't gotten to that point yet.

 

He could get a job landscaping, its good pay.

 

Your advice is much appreciated. These are the kinds of things I have to try and get my bf to understand also. I'm all for it, zero tolerance, 1 chance and that's it.
I've express one of my biggest concerns is going to be the effort or lack of that he puts into finding a job and making a living for himself. He's never been able to do this in the past and has resorted to crimes to get by instead, so why should he not do the same thing again? That is my concern, what is going to keep him from committing crimes again, why should he find a job and take care of himself. He seemed pretty comfortable in jail so I don't think that's going to help keep him out. He knew full well what kind of deal he was getting given the chance to get out of a felony and what having a felony would do to him, but he still made the choice himself. That bootcamp program is pretty easy if you can follow rules and do what people tell you, but he couldn't handle that. How is he going to handle life?
My bf has said this is the last chance, I hope he can stick with that if the time comes to make that decision again. This is what I'm trying to help with.
You are absolutely right, we need to have a plan together and be able to enforce it. That is what we are coming up with before he gets out of jail in a couple weeks. I'm giving my bf all the 'what if's' so he can be prepared for anything that might come up. Our problem is how to enforce anything? The only thing we can think of is kick him out if he breaks any of the rules, I'm sure he will try and test that with something simple. We have to be prepared and not waiver from anything we tell him, I tell my bf that over and over. His biggest problem in the past was not following through.
We want to keep our relationship strong. He use to not even talk to me about anything dealing with his son, even when I lived here with them and that almost caused us to split up. It use to be "it's my kid and not yours, if you don't like it you can leave and you don't know what it's like to be a parent" type things, I made the choice to make an effort to help him back then and stick by him. He has made a significant change with involving me now and it means a lot to me.

 

I forgot to mention....my suggestion was for the son to come up with what he thinks his rules and consequences should be and what he should be expected to do when he gets out and a plan to achieve that.

I'm very interested in what his response will be and it will show me a lot into what his mind set is and how he is going to act when he gets out.

 

Kristin,

First off, good on you for willing to deal with this. You have a lot more compassion for your bf and his son than I ever could.

Personally, I have no sympathy for any criminal, young or old for that matter. You can say it has to do with parenting and what not, but still, that child made a decision in his mind and he chose WRONG!

You can make all these rules and what not, but in the end, he's 20 years old and is probably not going to change. It's sad yes, but I seriously doubt he's going to change with his track record.

Like I said, good on you for trying to work with your BF on this matter, however, I doubt its going to do any good. A father son relationship, regardless of its strength, is going to out step a GF. He might tell you, yea, this is the last chance, but in all fairness, I very much doubt this and you'll probably end up going through this again in the some time near future.

You should give it a chance, but after the first screw up without punishment (how can you punish a 20 year old who has absolutely nothing and nothing going for him?), I would move out and get an apartment or something and continue your relationship from there. The less your involved with this problematic son the better.

Kudos to you and much luck. I hope everything works out for you and your BF, the son, eh, statistically speaking, not looking so good.

 

I have no compassion for the son, I despise him to put it nicely. He made the choices on his own. I had a far worse childhood and parenting than he could ever imagine having, but I've never committing a crime or lowered myself to making people victims. Nobody should ever have to be a victim. I spent a few years of my life dealing with victims of crimes and it is very hard for me to even be civil to this child, but I have to choose my battles for those I care about.

Would I like for him to turn his life around and become a productive member of society? Absolutely!! But honestly I don't ever see it happening, if it does I'll be the first to apologize and admit I was wrong.

But I do care very much for his father. If it comes to the point where he or I have to choose then so be it, but I can't give up without an effort. His Dad does not deserve this kind of treatment from his son, he is a good person who made mistakes in the past and has tried to fix them. No child should treat their parents like he does and that really gets to me.

You are right, how can you punish someone who has nothing going for them? You can't, guess that is just what I was trying to confirm.

Thanks.

 

First of all, thank you. You have made yourself vulnerable to criticism and as of now have received nothing but good feedback. That's good to see in a public forum where even another TW member could act or say something stupid or offensive. In the end, we all of course wish you the best in any decision the two of you make together.
My two cents. It sounds like you already know that he needs to be "Willing" & "Able" to change. Without that, yes he won't. Without that, it doesn't matter what rules you set. But just like the others have said, he will not be paying rent which doesn't entitle him to leave dishes unwashed, dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, lights left on, etc. etc. He needs to understand (even if its an illusion) that the two of you mean business. There should always be consequences for someone who needs structure. They need to value the important things in life. If he makes mistakes, he needs to leave. Here is the but, you need to have a Plan B, Plan C or even Plan D. Lets say worse case scenario does happen and he CHOOSES to ignore your house rules, what then? Find a shelter that will take him in. Find out if he still has any friends (friendships he values) and see if that could be an alternative. We should remember that when our parents told us to do stuff, we would sometimes do the complete opposite just because we had the choice.
The point: Don't make it sound like a threat. It's all in how you tell him that you're trying to provide structure & a place he can call home. BUT, once he gets a job, he needs to start paying rent (or call it whatever you want). Have him pay a water bill or whatnot. I really hope we are all jumping the gun here. You never know. He might wake up and smell the coffee so-to-speak. The only thing to add is that you both don't set him up to fail. In other words, don't act like just because you're opening up your home, that the rest is up to him. If his dad is letting him come in, there has to be follow-up since you both know he can't do it on his own. State your expectations to him. Don't set them too high, but high enough he should be able to reach given his circumstance.
At least look at the bright side, he's not 30+ living at home with a family to support and with no job all the while eating you out of house and home.
Again, good luck to you.
Unfortunately, he might fail again. If he does, his dad needs to be there but not to bail him out of trouble. He needs to know that he is still loved and cared for but that the leash had been cut when he "made" the choice to violate the house rules. Ok, I'm done. Take care.

 

man..FOXY..i wish you and your man the best. must be hard for a parent to watch a kid derail. i got straightened out early in life..i was 18 and got arrested for stealing a car. (long story, we simply found it and stripped it). sitting in holding and learning the indictment process WAS A WAKEUP CALL!! i flew straight immedieatly. your BF's kid? doesnt sound like it. he wont change. if he was to come clean, and live a productive life..my money is that he would have made it through the judge's first offering..and not even turned the offense into a felony. what complicates things, is that he is not even your kid. how much "teeth" does your imput even have? will your BF pull the "he is my kid!" card?

your only shot. you and the BF need to form a unified front. he is 20, not a kid that can be grounded. one eff up, he is OUT!

he can join the LABOR UNION. i work with convicted felons everyday of my life. 50/50, some have be changed, raise families, work hard..some dont show up, show up drunk..have to be bailed out, go to PO officers...yada yada..LABOR UNION is your key. idle hands are the devil's .....

 

Scary, but true!

 

First off, I wouldn't do it. Might even be a marriage breaker for me.

But since that seems to not be the situation here then:

1 secure the house. Put a lock on your bedroom door and keep it locked at all times. All important papers in a safe or safe deposit box.

2 secure the mail. All mail goes to a PO Box so he can't intercept stuff for ID theft.

3 secure all weapons in a gun safe in the locked bedroom.

4 He must be actively searching for a job ALL day until he has a job. If he loses the job he is out.

5 he must pass daily or frequent random drug and alcohol tests. These are available for home testing with quick response. Any positive results and he's out.

6 Small rent payments. Teach him he must budget and be responsible.

That's where I'd start but there would probably be more.

 

Yet.

 

*2

If this doesn't work you might have to jump ship for awhile and let your BF choose.

 

6 months of living together as a couple is all it takes in TX for half of it to be yours. Not sure about NV tho.........

 

Oh, and when he does move out, CHANGE THE LOCKS!

He'll have had the keys duplicated I bet as a source of quick cash if he needs it.

 

Sounds like he needs a good ass-kicking!!!

Ya know....house rules are good for children who are learning and you're teaching respect. Obviously, this kid won't follow the rules.

I'd make him pay rent and sign a lease. Get a copy of a lease - a real lease that you'd sign anywhere when you rent someplace. You can put details in that, and including fees if he ruins the property, etc. Guess what? If you're delinquent in your rent ...boot him out!!! A lease is a real life thing and if he can't handle it (and getting a job to support himself/rent).....then he might as well go back to jail.

If you know that he's doing anything illegal in your house - CALL THE POLICE and have them haul his ass out.

I think the whole house rules thing....will have to be a 'as you go'. Be creative. If you ask him to do the dishes and he doesn't do them or doesn't respond....guess what? Take all those dirty dishes and put them on his bed or in with is clothes. That'll get his attention. If he responds negatively to that.....(say for instance, he breaks the dishes) - then this will be added to the LEASE agreement (distruction of property) and more points toward getting his ass kicked out.

Typical discipline rules obvioiusly aren't working. You have to be creative.
Put a lock on the refrigerator if you have to as a 'result' to something he's done and won't listen. Prevent him from using the car somehow.
Does he have a car? If you can't boot him out.....change the locks on the house and he can't come back.

 

I am probably in no position to give any advise, as I still am a kid, so take this with a grain of salt, but I have a kids mentality, so it may help. I also worked as an animal trainer (marine mammals) so I have some exp there. First off, I do not think rules that lead to punishment are going to do you any good. The kid has been to prison, he does not care about any punishment you can offer. Instead, try the opposite, back with animal training, we called it "positive reinforcement", and it worked very well. Rather than getting mad and trying to punish when he does something wrong (which all animals, felons and everyone else do not respond well to), set him up to do something right (even if by accident to break the ice) and reward him for it. The setup is where it gets tricky, but like training a sea lion, you cannot just tell it to do a back flip, you have to set it up so that it accidently does something you desire (touching a target pole) and when that ACCIDENTLY happens, you reward it, before you know it, it will touch it on command because it knows it gets reward, then you can slowly pull the target into a back flip and it follows. Even something like the dishes you mentioned. If you say “do your dishes” and yell at him, he probably wont. BUT wait one day until after dinner when he takes them to the sink. Reward that (and yes, YOU proceed to do the dishes), that is a start, better than leaving on the table. And a reward does not mean money, or anything big…just a “thank you”. How many times a day do you think he hears someone thank him? He may not show it, but he will like it. Then one day, pretend you are in a hurry do some of the dishes, then say “shoot I am really in a hurry, I have to go get food for dinner tomorrow could you please finish these last few dishes, I would really appreciate it”…then on the way out to the store say “hey, thanks again for finishing that, can I get you ice cream or anything from the store?” or something like that….see how you are EASING him in, with praise and reward? Not DEMANIND he do them and then trying to punish him when he doesn’t? That was a silly example, but I think you see my point…you need to approach him differently than you normally would someone who doesn’t like punishment.

Now from a kids point of view. I am not in his situation, so I cannot tell what is in his mind, but I like to think all ppl do have the same thoughts deep down. My mother is a teacher with Juvenile Hall kids and those kids seem to reinforce my belief. Even though they are all "hard, convict" type, who put on this hard, don’t care about anyone front, one on one, deep down, they all have feelings that get hurt, feel ppl don’t trust them, feel ppl think the worst of them, etc, they are just normal ppl, just a lot more "issues". You have to show him you care about his feelings and his issues. Obviously he will not break down and pour his heart out to you, but something is going on in his life, and just hint and show him you care enough to help, listen, talk, etc…whatever he needs…but do not push it, just SMALL hints. You do not want him to feel you think he is such a nutjob he NEEDS to talk.
I think one of the worst things you can do is to bring him in with the preconceived notion he WILL mess up...that is what he expects you to think (that is what everyone has always thought about him), and he will just confirm it for you. Try to bring him and make it clear you think he can do this, you trust him (don’t go leaving diamonds around the house though). I am just saying, believe he will do good and make him show you he cannot (if he screws up), but do not believe he will do bad and make him show you he is good...it is much harder for him, and much more reason to just not care.

Again, I am probably in no position to give advice. But training an animal that you cannot even tell what you desire is pretty hard, it is behavior modification at that point, and that sounds like what he needs here.


Wow that was a lot of typing! haha anyway, good luck

 

Letting him back in, and the father needs to know this, is setting him up to fail again.

He either has to choose to survive on his own, or the world will swallow him. And if it does, he was unsavable in the first place, sans being propped up by Dad for the rest of his life, which would just be using and taking advantage of a parent trying to help.

He's an adult now. He either starts behaving like one or society removes him from the pool.

 

In my opinion a lease would be a very bad move, that would give him all the rights of a tenant and eviction would become a nightmare, he would thumb his nose at you for several months and have the law backing him up.


Sorry i don't have any advice but I give him a maximum of 3 weeks before you are forced to kick him too the curb, he is a User and will not likely change, he had the chance to prove himself with the boot camp and you see how he handled that.