Need Some Guidance/Reassurance

i'm hoping for the best for whatever the outcome of all of this is. Being happy is the most important for me at this point in time.

 

She likes going to bars...... without you.

 

It sounds like you are not ready to move on just yet, but are pretty serious about making sure things change or are on more solid ground before going through with the wedding. Ultimatums don't work, so stay away from that. At a minimum:

1. Postpone the wedding indefinitely.
2. Set some personal criteria for either moving forward or moving on. How many months of good behavior do you want to see before you feel comfortable and trust her? What actions constitute bad behavior? The limit of bad behavior should be ONE TIME. Not 3 strikes. Minimum 6 months of good behavior.
3. DO NOT TELL HER THE RULES OR CRITERIA.
4. Explain to her that her actions make you feel like she is not into this, making you uncomfortable, and you want to give it some time.

Stick to your criteria. Split immediately if she messes up.

We could start a pool on how many days before she messes up, but that might be kind of mean. I wish you the best, but I don't think it will be with her.

 

That's not too bad if she going with her girls or whatever, and has respect for you and don't do stupid shit. But yeah going to a bar solo, that's shit is for single chicks.

 

Let me leave you with one last thing.
If one of your friends was in the same situation you are in what advice would you give him? i bet you'd tell him the same thing we are and that is to pickup whats left of your dignity. and leave. the reason why you wont follow your own advice is because you have an emotional investment in your relationship, and its clouding your judgement.
that is why the best advice you can get is from an outside source who doesn't have an emotional investment in the relationship.

i wish you the best.

 

Again, pay attention to @SRH's posts. She's posting about your finance, her actions or lack thereof, not how you counter them or manipulate them to get what you want.

On another topic close to you........our youngest daughter called off her wedding 27 days before the day. Save the date's had been sent. Venue hall rented, wedding dress bought, deposits on caterer/florist/photographer/honeymoon made.

I write this as the father of the bride who ponied up most of the $$$ that were flushed. Honestly, I'm still not......uhhhhh....... happy about the wasted money, but know it was absolutely the right decision after she shared some of her former fiance's peculiar ideas on fidelity/honesty/integrity (many of which, coincidentally, you've written about in your initial post).

I get that the time frame to nuptials is a ticking clock. Getting it right is more important than pissing off/disappointing a few people.

 

You're old.

 

My daughter also called off the wedding 6 weeks, then again 2 weeks prior to wedding. Groom promised to change, cried to all of us. She went thru with it. We moved her and her 3 kids home 2 weeks ago.

 

You’re older!

 

As many others have said here - put the brakes on the marriage and honestly scuttle the whole relationship based on this history of lying and sneaking around.

Don’t make a huge, expensive mistake and prenups while a good idea can still be fought and amount to nothing if she hires a good enough lawyer.

Run, run away.

 

The fact that you have to talk to her about it at all should answer your question. I've been married 28 years, we never had 'the talk'.
I truly wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

 

^^^^^^^^^

This x infinity +1

 

sounds like you've had this conversation numerous times already. a month or whatever out from your wedding and shes at the bar getting "digits"!?!

and

 

Good grief, sorry for all of you.

Now I understand the pinpoint precision of your posts in this thread.

Not for nothing, hope the OP wades through the posts and yours speak to him.

 

yeah, people are ready to learn lessons when they've had enough, but only then. we don't know where the OP is at... does the OP?

 

This along with things I’ve been thru. Makes ya see things differently.

 

Hopefully he figures it out before he is paying for half a house he can't live in.

 

This is so true. Until you’ve had enough, only you know your threshold, nothing will change.

 

Oh that reminds me of the oft neglected advice to the parents (and best friends too), in case there are any out there reading this: do your best to not say in front of them "well I'm glad you kicked his ass to the curb, I never liked that sorry sack o'shit anyway."

While well intentioned, it reinforces their feeling of stupidity for not seeing it themselves for so long. It's best to build on their positive attributes and to look forward instead. Then after they go to bed, log online and rant here about never liking that sorry sack o'shit anyway.