Joke of the Day

Heart Attack

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. ​

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. ​

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. ​

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. ​

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. ​

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. ​

CONCLUSION ​

Eat and drink what you like. ​

Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ​

 

New CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. ​

The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers. ​

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. ​

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' ​

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $300 a week. Why?' ​

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don't come back.' ​

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?' ​

From across the room came a voice, 'Yeah, he's the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza. ​

 

Old Cowboy



An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'


The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'


'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's a liar.. He never did any of that shit.

[/FONT]

 

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.
DIVORCE AGREEMENT
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.... I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, parmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

If you do not agree, I'll bet you which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

 

Railroad tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.



Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England ,
and English expatriates designed the US railroads.



Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were
built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the
gauge they used.



Why did 'they' use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that
they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.








Why did the wagons have that particular

odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break
on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the
spacing of the wheel ruts.





So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including
England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.


And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which
everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.



Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the
matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad
gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for
an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.



So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process, and
wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the
rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)



Now, the twist to the story:


When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice
that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main
fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by
Thiokol at their factory in Utah .



The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit
larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the
launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a
tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The
tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as
you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.






So, a major Space Shuttle design feature

of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was
determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And
you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

So, Horse's Asses control almost everything...

...Explains a whole lot of things,

doesn't it?

 

Who makes more money? A Drug dealer? Or a prostitute?

 

Clarence

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. ​

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? ​

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN" ​

 

The answer to who makes more money a drug dealer or a prostitute is

A prostitute because she can wash her crack and re sell it.

 

Russia Vs. U.S.A


Their guy











Our guy

 

hey to whoever left the neutral rep man up and drop your name next time . besides this is the joke of the day

 

Some people's kids...

 

if that aint the truth i dont know what is

 

sorry bout that






(just in case ur sarcasm meter batteries died)
wasn't actually me

 

meh i can laugh some times im not really pressing the issue.

 

Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." ​

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. ​

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read... ​

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER...$50.00." ​

 

I want to see this movie.

I Want Your Money Trailer (2010) HD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wty7974IKg&feature=player_embedded

 

"....financed by the Republican party"

 

It's pure genius regardless of who financed it.

 

oh no i completely agree with the entire idea, just thought it was a witty comment