Joke of the Day

x2
still one of my favorites

 

may be a repost
During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...
... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


 

^^^^^That's hilarious!!!!

 

ive read that one before but its still hilarious

 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

 

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note: Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

 

Thanks steveo

 

Hope this isnt a repost, I know I've seen this before. Still funny​

Where We Go Wrong?

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done.' ​

The Chief nodded in agreement. ​

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?' ​

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. ​

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' ​

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.' ​

 

An old man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump....
BUMP...
BUMP....
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
> He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
>
>
>
>
>
>
> and,
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
>
>
>
>
> The coffin stops.

 

that was pretty good lol

 

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the ​

Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time? '

Of course, the wife agrees. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife ' s shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.' She says, ' Of course, Dear, ' And they make love for the third time. ​

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.​

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until
he' s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
' Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could... ' ​

At this point the wife sits up and says, ' Listen Morris, enough is enough​

​

I have to get up in the morning... You don't. ' ​

 

and i can laugh too cause i hate italians




AW SNAP!!!

 

Can you hear that?


It's the sound of no one caring...

 

LMAO big time!

 

So one day, little Billy is sitting in his 2nd grade class. His teacher is reviewing the subject of "learning lessons from experience", and of course decides to ask the class if any of them have learned some lessons from their own experiences.

First, little Mary raises her hand and stands up. Little Mary then says "We live on a farm and we raise chickens. One day after collecting eggs from chicken coop, we went to sell them at the market. We put our eggs into a basket and when daddy drove away, the basket fell out and all the eggs broke." The teacher then says, "So what was the lesson you learned?" Little Mary replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." The teacher congratulates her on a lesson well learned.

Next, little Sally raises her hand and stands up. Little Sally says "We also live on a farm, and we raise chickens too - but we don't sell the eggs, we let them hatch into baby chicks. One day I counted all the eggs and told my daddy we had 15 eggs so we would have 15 chicks. But when the chicks hatched out of the eggs, only 12 of them came out." The teacher responds, "What was the lesson you learned?". Little Sally replied "Don't count your chickens before the eggs hatch." The teacher congratulates little Sally on a lesson well learned.

It's about this time little Billy gets tired of dumb farm girls and their dumb chickens, and decides to raise his hand. The teacher, knowing Billy's reputation, sighs a little bit and says "Ok Billy, tell us about your experience."

Billy goes on to explain about how is Uncle Ned was a war veteran. "My Uncle Ned was in Vietnam. One time, his helicopter got shot - and he had to jump out. Unfortunately, all Uncle Ned had was 50 rounds of handgun ammo, a machete, and a bottle of whiskey. After he pulled his parachute, he looked down and noticed he was going to land in the middle of a company of 100 Vietcong soldiers. Seeing this, Uncle Ned loaded his handgun and drank the entire bottle of whiskey. When he landed, he killed the first 50 of them with his handgun - one round each. The next 25 he killed with the machete, and the last 25 he killed with his bare hands." At this point, Billy ends his story and smiles proudly.

The teacher, looking astonished says, "Billy, that's just terrible - what lesson could you possibly learn from that?" The glint in Billy's eye shines just a little brighter, the corner of his mouth turns into a little smile, and he replies very matter-of-factly "The lesson is: don't fuck with Uncle Ned when he's been drinking."

 

to rough,,deleted.

 

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.”Cow

For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow’s butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson… “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow’s butt, and I sucked on my index finger… Now, learn to pay attention.”

 

A blond in church



An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Klu Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family".

No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

 

mixed messages
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, Nancy is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.' I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'