Joke of the Day

Job Ads Made Easy

What the Job Ad says & What it means: ​

Advancement opportunity:
Sh*t job ​

Entry level
Really sh*t job ​

No experience necessary
The mother of all sh*t jobs ​

Administrative assistant
Sh*t job with a title ​

Ground floor opportunity
Sh*t job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year ​

Progressive company
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday ​

Team player
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities ​

Upbeat personality
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year ​

Word processing skills essential
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future. ​

Public relations Receptionist Professional appearance important
$20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe ​

Pleasant telephone manner
Be voice of 1-900-SUCK ​

Earn up to $300/hr:
BE 1-900-SUCK ​

Salary range $24K to $32K
This salary is $24K ​

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions ​

B.A. required, master's preferred
Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.'s salary ​

Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago ​

Women & minorities encouraged to apply
White males need not waste the stamp ​

Outstanding benefits package
Health insurance ​

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job. ​

Top-notch communication skills
Telemarketing ​

Beautiful offices in attractive locations
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting ​

Secretary
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker ​

Executive secretary
The most powerful position in any company ​

Dedicated
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement ​

Salary commensurate
We will pay whatever the hell we feel like ​

Salary negotiable
We will take the lowest bidder ​

Competitive salary
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job, but not one penny more ​

Competitive starting salary
Ten cents above minimum wage ​

Pleasant atmosphere
A staff of pod people ​

Professional atmosphere
Zombie pod people ​

Fun, creative atmosphere
Pod people from hell ​

Dynamic atmosphere
Zombie pod people from hell ​

Gal Friday
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it ​

Self-starter
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means ​

 

not a joke but so fukn funny.im going to hell.i want to make bumper stickers
abortion:it brings out the kid in you LMAO!!!!!!

 

abortions are for quitters. I will see you in hell

 

damn....thats cold...but...
i lol'd.

 

Why do you think I married one?

God Bless Natural Red Heads.

 

Funny​

Where is Harry?

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. ​

"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter. ​

"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," ​

Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?" ​

"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry." ​

 

lol its going to be packed in hell.hell of a party

 

I went to the doctor today and he told me I have to stop masturbating. I said, "why doc, am I gonna go blind?" He said "I don't know about all that, but you're freaking out the other patients in the waiting room."

 

UNC just lost to MINN. (it made me laugh)

 

lol

 

when i was born god asked if i would rather have a big dick or a great memory. i dont remember what i picked

 

hahahaha that was funny

 

[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]> A burglar
> broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
> around,
> looking for
> valuables when a voice in the dark
> said,
> 'Jesus
> knows you're here.'
>
> He
> nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
> off, and froze.
>
> When he heard nothing more,
> after a bit, he shook his head and
> continued.
>
> Just as he pulled the stereo out so
> he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
> heard
> 'Jesus is watching you.'
>
> Freaked
> out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
> for the source of the voice.
>
>
>
>
>
> Finally,
> in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
> rest on a
> parrot.
>
>
>
>
>
> 'Did
> you say that?' he hissed
> at the parrot.
>
> 'Yep', the parrot confessed,
> then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
> watching you.'
>
> The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
> huh? Who in the world are you ?'
>
> 'Moses,'
> replied the bird.
>
> 'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
> 'What kind of people would name a bird
> Moses?'
>
> 'The kind of people that would name a
> Rottweiler Jesus.' [/FONT]

 

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday.." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

 

I agree with all of them except this one

 

This one made me lol.

 

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE ​

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadnt told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesnt come off easily - if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, Get well soon! From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.


Kinda brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it!