How to put on weight

For skinny fucks.

Step 1: Eat a metric fuck ton. This may sound obvious, but eating 4 bags of Doritos a day will just make you break out in acne and smell like a dirty gym sock. Your meal schedule should look something like this.

Breakfast - 2 texas toast sized pieces of French toast. Attempt to kill the toast by pinning it to the plate with mass amounts of canned strawberries. The ones that come in their own strawberry syrup. Now make sure it can't breathe by smothering them under whipped cream. If you can see the toast, it can see you...and live. Just to be safe drown that fucker out with maple syrup. Your french toast should be dead and safe to eat now. But don't feel bad. Grab 7 full length pieces of bacon, that glorious dead pig that tastes like heaven. Introduce the dead hog strips to the dead french toast. Wash all this down with 2 double sized cups of coffee.

Oh awesome you're thinking, that should tide me over till lunch. Listen you lazy shit, that's how losers lose. Now grab 2 slices of banana toast, some cookies and a liter of milk. If you in the States you're probably wondering what a liter is. Don't hurt yourself, forget I said anything and grab a quart of milk and keep on trucking.

Now, this is important.

Sit on your ass from 0700 till 11:55. If you have to get up it better be because the building is on fire or you're going for more

Lunch: Ooo hotdogs or chili, that will do right? Kinda champ. You're looking for an angle. Here it is. Fuck the bun. You heard me. 'But' you say, 'Isn't that the principle behind the Atkins diet?'. See this , this is my caring face. Fuck you, fuck Atkins, less talking more eating. Grab the hotdogs and just the hotdogs. Better yet, grab 3 of those over sized bastards. Chicken wings? Yes, we're looking to eat an entire farm before 3pm rolls around. Don't stuff your face full of chili, you'll die from asphyxiation the second you enter a closed room. Grab another quart/liter of milk. Enjoy.
Here's the curve ball. Get a nice big plate of salad. Wha-wha-what? Greens?

Yes greens. Do you want to be taken to the hospital from a bowl obstruction made from various animal parts?

PS - The salad might be alive too, drown it too in your favourite creamy dressing. If you can see through the dressing put it back, if you can see through a wall after smearing the dressing on it, that's the one for you.

Finish eating and grab more milk, cookies and pecan tart.

By now you should have a pretty good food baby going on. Nurture your food baby. Feed it, watch it grow.

Now sit on your ass again till Ohh, say 6-7pm.

Dinner: Grab your plate and find your nearest dead animal cooked on hot metal. Better yet, grab two. The name of the game here is for every animal those PETA bastards don't eat you're going to eat 3 or more. Pork chops, steak, BBQed shrimp, curried chicken. Pick 2 from the above list and eat them twice. If there is gravy make a pool for your food to swim in. Drink more milk, MORE I say! After you've finished devouring your animal carcass find the salad again. Grab an entire plate full...and yup, you guessed it. Drown it in some form of creamy dressing.

After you're done with your rabbit food find cake, any will do. Stuff your gob with it. You might at this point in time feel the urge to poo.

You may do so if need be.

Take another quart/liter of milk with you, drink before bedtime which is at 11:30pm.

Step 2: Do this for 3 weeks straight and you should have one or two extra pounds on you.

 

damn im gonna try this shit!! Is xbox allowed in the time slot from 7- 11:55?

 

Step 3: Become hated by everyone.

 

how much, exactly, is a "metric fuck tonne"

 

I think I gained 3 or 4 lbs. just reading this~

 

Toyota Dude - Yes, but if you're playing any kind of kinect game that's a big No. In fact, if people can tell you're conscious and not in a waking coma you're doing too much activity.

 

LMAO!

 

Similar to an SAE Fuck Ton. But less Red White, and more Blue.

 

haha good, ill just sit my ass on my bed and play some black ops. Or does that involve too much finger movement??

O And also, i guess this meal plan excludes sex?? Cuz that would be too much of a workout right?

 

Black Ops is allowed only because it kicks enough ass.

Sex is never excluded no matter what. 2 minutes hardly counts as a workout.

 

I had a roommate in college who wanted to gain weight but could not....I had him eat 2 table spoons of peanut butter a day and drink allot of milk on top of whatever else he at and he gained 10 lbs a month.........

 

I love animals, they are delicious !!!

 

Get married

 

Haha...that happens too but the break up diet will take 20-30 lbs. off the both of ya

Telling ur girl she needs to loose weight is something that needs to be tip toed around.

Sorry to get off subject!

 

Didn't work. Still 5% body fat.

 

Find another wife. jk jk. I wish I could give you about 10 lbs. of mine!

 

Hells no. Have you seen what I have? I ain't trading anything.

 

Alternately, you could just eat McDonalds for every meal. Do that for a month and you'll put on weight, and destroy your pancreas...

 

I ate supersize big mac meals every day for lunch for a whole summer...put on maybe 5lbs.

google GOMAD...thats a surefire way to pack on some weight