Fire Night @Larry Dangerfields

You bastard.

 

Can’t have a fire thread without:

 

Used the tow strap to recover some bonfire fuel.

 

Thank You. We appreciate your business.

 

Nice!!!

 

New game! Come up with a better coordinated outfit.

 

I have this one hasn’t worked for me yet.

 

HaHa!! I found a pack of matches. Fire to come. Standby.

 

​

 

I’ll pray for your family and neighbors although, I don’t think that will be enough.

 

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

 

While the whole family was eating dinner:

Son: Mama, I saw Papa in the maid's bedroom today.

Pa: H-Hey now, you just be quiet and eat your dinner, son.

Ma: Go on, son...

Son: Papa took off his clothes and the maid did the same!

Pa: Now listen here, you lying little shit--

Ma: Finish the story, son!!

Son: Then Papa went on top of the maid, and they wrestled each other the same way you and Uncle Jeff did!

Ma: Now listen here, you lying little shit...

 

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from where my grandparents lived. They got word of what happened and set out to pick him up. On their way home it got dark and the fog was ever so thick. My grandfather was not a good driver at the best of times and the conditions on this night drove his anxiety through the roof.
He had a death grip on the steering wheel with white knuckles that my dad said illuminated the interior of the car. He had been following a larger vehicle for about 30 minutes with nowhere to pass and the leading vehicle was going quite slow.
Eventually the vehicle he was following stopped and just sat there. My grandfather in his angry voice said to my grandmother, “What in the name of God is that man doing stopped in the middle of the road?” To which my grandmother replied, “Ephraim, the man is in his driveway.”

 

I am willing to participate in the shooting of guns part

 

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile


The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......



The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

 

The hilarious part is that I was talking about this thread this morning, and my fiancee said the exact same thing.

I guess I'm both happy and sad about that statement.