Whatever

I bought a wig for a dollar. It was a small price toupee.
*I’ll show myself out*

 

A man was reading a newspaper, when his son suddenly barged into the living room. He was all sweaty and out of breath, but had a big smile on his face. “Dad!” exclaimed his son, “I just lost my virginity!” The man put down his newspaper and looked at his son proudly. The young man standing before him reminded him of his youth, when he was a playboy with a handful of girls. The man smiled and said, “Sit down, son, and let me tell you a story.” The son replied, “I can’t, Dad, it still hurts to sit.”

 

You of all people, are confused. Didn't you recieve a gift from a certain part of a horse

 

So, Leonardo DiCaprio was doing a PR visit to a nursing home. The residents were all thrilled except for one lady who seemed to be indifferent. Leo approached her and asked “Excuse me, do you know who I am?”
She replied “No dearie, but the nice lady at the front desk can tell you.”

 

A beautiful woman on the top floor of a 4 storey apartment building trips and falls over her balcony.
The neighbour living in the floor below happened to be outside when he heard her scream. He looked up and saw her coming down and as any good man would do, he caught her in his arms as she dangled over the edge.

"Save me, please!!" She cried.

The man began to pull her up but stopped when he realised her beauty..

"Would you sleep with me?" He asked.

"How dare you! Never!" She yelled, disgusted.

So he dropped her.

By this time, the other neighbours below heard the commotion and rushed to their balconies to watch.

The man in the next floor down caught her as she screamed to be rescued. He was better looking and pulled her up most of the way.

"Please, please help me!" She cried.

"How about me? Would you do me for saving you?" He shiftily asked while gesturing at his Thomas.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!? No!" She yelled angrily.

He, too, dropped her.

The neighbour below was a holy man and saw the entire commotion. Disgusted at the behaviour of the swine above, he caught her and started pulling her up to the safety of his balcony when the woman screamed:

"OK, OK I'LL FUCK YOU, JUST HELP ME!!!!"

"God forbid!!" He shrieked as he dropped her.

 

Yeah, but that's different.
I'm not a virgin.

 

My wife found out I was cheating when she found some letters I’d been hiding.

Now she refuses to play Scrabble with me anymore.

 

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules... you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day”

The man doesn’t pause before screaming:
“Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage... I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!”

Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked

“Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in”

“Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it... but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face”

Peter nods... perplexed... “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go... next”

This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in”

The guy looks at him and goes
“Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”

 

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, “They will in a minute.”

 

Buenos nachos everybody. Thanks for all the fish...er...birthday wishes.

 

Gnite Sir Dave.

 

Meat. In my mouth. Also, this meat:

 

Yeah, that sucked, and was ironic as shit.

But, Rose won and now Aus got another champion as a teammate , and Usman stayed champion, and is Austin's teammate. Damn he is in a good camp. Has one of the best coaches, period.

 

Good Morning Dave.
Hope last nights Birthday Celebration or Dreams were exhausting.

 

Ugh

 

Elon Musk Will Host ‘Saturday Night Live’ on May 8.





Elon Musk Will Host ‘Saturday Night Live’ on May 8. Yes, You Read That Right (thedrive.com)