Dad jokes

Why can't you trust large trees?


They're always the shadiest.

 

What do call a guy with no arm or legs in a pile of leaves?

Russel

 

Guy goes to see the doctor and the doctor tells him "you're too fat!".

Guy says "no way, I want a second opinion!"

"Ok, you're ugly too!"

 

Do you know what Fried Chicken and A Sun Tanned Girl have in common?









The white meat's the best!

 

A hunter/trapper guy and an old Indian chief are going on a hunt for buffalo. They start walking out onto the prairie, Indian chief in front guiding, hunter guy quietly following.

After a while the Indian chief stops and says "quiet!". He gets down on all fours and puts his ear against the ground to listen, the hunter guy does the same.

After a minute they stand up and the Indian chief says "buffalo come". The hunter guy looks around, doesn't see any buffalo nearby and says "how do you know?"

Indian chief rubs his cheek and says "face sticky"

 

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says: "hey, you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants."

The pirate replies: [pirate voice]"Arrr, I know....it's drivin' me nuts!"

 

A guy walks home after a night at the local Pub.

He can barely get the key into the door when his pet alligator spots him and croaks "Drunk."

A week later, the same routine. "Drunk"
"That's it, mister Alligator, one more time, and I'll show you."
"Drunk," comes the response.

With that, he reaches down through the alligator, grabbing his tail and pulling him inside out. "How about that, Mr. Alligator?"

Alligator responds, "Knurd"

 

ahhahahaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha

Good one. Yeah I'm a dad

 

Don't know if this one is already in the thread...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

 

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

 

Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world to me."

There are a million of these...should I keep going?

 

I taught the dog math today. I asked, "what is two minus two"? The dog replied nothing.

 

How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?




When it's apparent.

 

I've recently started a dating app for chickens. It's not my normal day job...

...it's just to make hens meet.

 

Me wee Scottish terrier is so smart, he can speak English. Nay joke!

I'll ask him, "Fergus, what's on a tree?"
And his reply: "BARK, BARK!"

Then I'll ask him, "What's on top of a house?"
His reply is "Ruff" (that's "roof" with a Scottish accent)