Stay at home Dad?

any stay at home dads out there?

My wife and I are toying with the idea... we have 2 boys, oldest is 2 and lil one is 1. The last two years have been quite an adventure but we been blessed with having family close to help us. Her sister stayed with us for 6 months when my oldest was born. This allowed my wife to return to work at the end of her maternity leave with no crazy stress. then 2020 happened, and our lil one was born in May, and my wife was furloughed in April, then she had to return to active status for her short term disability then once her maternity leave was over she was layed off. With all the assistance programs we manage to do well, and she was able to stay home all the way till December.

In December she started working as a Labor n Delivery RN and she loved every labor, but the work environment was toxic and after 6 months she had enough. She again was blessed to get different job now as a Care Coordinator RN, this went hand in hand with a hefty pay bump. Not that she is now my sugar momma, but I can start considering myself as her Trophy Husband. LOL

Anyhow,, I have been a Guest Experience Manager at a large FL theme park for the past 11 years. and I make decent $. But her drive and passion to grow in her field is impressive and the opportunity is knocking at the door. She will be interviewing next week for the Family Nurse Practitioner Masters degree program. This should take 12-18 months. Once completed she could potentially double her salary, a salary that is already 18k over what I make.

By then my oldest will be starting school and lil one will be right behind. But the hospitality work does not allow for a balance work/life. So we have been seriously considering me stepping away.

My biggest concerns are 1) financial stability 2) medical/pension benefits (im only 33) but Ive had 11 years so far and well, my company's pension formula is (last salary $ x years worked x 1%) and I would receive that when im of age... 3) we are considering this for a short term period 3 years or so,,, 4) we have also considered me going part time... but I would loose benefits (medical/pension) the same.

Im looking for advice or options we have not considered. My priority is my family and my kids development. Day care is so expensive and in reality leaving my kids early development in the hands of strangers is a bit nerve-racking

thank you in advance!

 

No amount of expendable money is worth precious moments you could have had. That's not to say everyone needs to quit their jobs and become homeless just to spend time with their kids, no. You're in a position that sounds like you'll be perfectly well off with your wife's income.

I would get to a point of financial security that, if she was to lose her job again, you would be able to live off of savings for double what would be a reasonable amount of time for her to find a new job. If you can do that, be a stay at home dad! Nothing better than time with your children. Especially when that amount of time only decreases every single day.

 

as far as savings we have been able to save up quite well. We had saved up 4 months to prepare when she was getting ready to go on maternity for #2 and with the covid assistance programs we were able to save up to a year of non negotiable expenses. Currently tho it takes both of us to cover these but not fully. Before she started working as a nurse; my salary along with her $15 an hour temp job was sufficient to get our bills taken care off. Now with her current salary, we have been able to catch up on our CC depts and we are now working on paying off a Home Equity Credit line... we have also been considering refinancing our home just to cover this and then just have steady payments... our home currently has 100-145k in equity,, due to current influx of FL home prices... honestly its over the value that we had originally agreed to list it and sell it,, but in the current market we wouldn't be able to buy our own home back without been "house poor" and have to give up on everything else.. not sure if i make sense.

 

If she can double her salary, do it. Working part time probably won’t even cover what you would pay for day care. Try to find a work from home job you can balance with the kid duties for a little extra earnings?

 

if I were to stay home, I would probably go back to detailing cars and pressure washing. I did this as side hustles for many years, but once the kids were born I stopped.

 

Also be aware that stepping away from earned income for a period will impact your Social Security earnings record. And yes it’s easy to say, But there won’t be SS by the time I retire…you just don’t know and smart money says there will be SS in 30-35 more years. Just another factor to consider. However, if only for 3 years or so, you’d save big money on child care but the bigger benefit would be the fact of no daycare for your kiddos. Also be very careful about living with no health insurance benefits…very risky. Good luck.

 

For us it was really just math. My wife makes 2.5x what I do, and though I ultimately didn’t leave my career behind, if someone was going to be home with two kids and running the house, it was going to be me. Sounds like your wife has a wonderful opportunity, and ambition, the opportunity may not come around again.

 

do it.

time with our children and family is the most valuable thing we have in this life.

 

we would sign up with her job's medical benefits, currently we are all in mine because we didnt want to change providers unless we really needed to. The SS piece ive never been to trusting that it will be around when im of age for it.. so I have invested in my 401k and then was counting on my jobs pension. and then whatever comes from SS it would be an added bonus for car parts ;-)

 

I wouldn't advise it. As much as we want to say we love our kids they actually do better in a quality daycare than at home. Long term it is better for you and them. Quality is the key, you can't place them just anywhere. And you're missing a big tax deduction if they stay at home too.

Social Security ain't going anywhere. It will have to be modified and should have been done years ago. People should have been paying in more for decades, and to fix the mess younger folks in their 30's and younger will most likely see less benefits than older generations. But it will be around and you will take a hit with a few years not working. YOU may not NEED the SS benefits, but you can invest them for your kids inheritance.

 

We did not think about tax deductions or tax related items. thank you for bring it up.

 

If you can do it, do it. We had our first child in Jan of 2020, right before Covid. One day I will tease her for ushering in the Dark Ages.

I was very fortunate when the initial lockdowns when into effect - never lost any of my work income. But my wife owns her own gym/pilates businesses and they were hit hard. Still barely recovering even today. I'm back to going into the office Mon - Fri full time though, since about a year and a half ago. Wife works from home mostly to run her businesses, so she cares for our daughter.

If we were able to support our household with one income then I would do it in a heartbeat. If that meant me not working, I would jump at the opportunity to be a full time dad. They grow up so fast and those teen years feel like they are just around the corner.

My father worked hard for the same corporation his entire career while I was a kid, 35+ years. Climbed the corp ladder and all that, we never really wanted for anything growing up. But he wasn't around much and when he was, he was always stressed out and exhausted. I love my dad dearly and now that he's retired we've got a stronger bond than we did when I was a kid, but I don't want my daughter to have that same experience with me in her formative years if I can help it.

 

My kids are the same age and my wife is stay at home be we are in a completely different financial boat than you.

My opinion is that anytime one parent can stay home until the kids are school age is good for the children. I am also of the opinion that one partner brings home the bacon and the other partner cooks it.

How stable do you think your wife’s work is? It sounds very unstable and if it were me that instability would make me very nervous about financial security of the family.

If you do stay home find a kids group that visits the parks and libraries regularly so that the kids can play with other kids.

 

Her current job is solid, her previous job was while she was finishing nursing school and passing her boards. She completed all that while 8month pregnant with our second child. We were debating her quitting her job and running a year home but then with her Nursing license and demand for nurses she received a very tempting job offer. Then when the environment was not right, again luck hit again and this opportunity arise and boy are we happy she got the offer. She now makes 61% more that what she was making last year.

It just, for me anxiety hits hard bc the one thing I do have is job security... well, with this past year I cant say that 100% sure because many of my peers were let go. but my company is celebrating their 50th anniversary,,, and they are not going anywhere any time soon... if you know what I mean.

 

in part thats what I want to avoid, once we decided to start having kids, i put on a transfer from a pretty cool theme park gig to housekeeping manager to have steady hours. weekends not fully yet but my seniority allows me to have Friday Saturday in my current team, im #5 with my 11 years but next one over me has 15 then 25 years up to 40 years seniority. But it is hard to turn that work brain off.

 

I just made the leap myself to be a stay at home and finish school. Are you planning on pulling your retirement and putting it in a private fund?

 

I think I know what you mean there..haha.

My friend is doing the same as of a few years ago. His wife's income was double his. His kids were older, I think 12 and 6 or maybe 1-2 years younger. She got a promotion, turned out it was cheaper overall for him to quit his career as a social worker and stay home versus daycare.

The pension is a nice bonus though but I wouldn't let it be the lynchpin in your choice honestly, that is something that could change at any time.

 

Well, to be honest IDK what my options are with my Company if I can transfer the pension out or it has to be untouched until Im retirement age... Also I was the last year they offered that type of pension to salaried management. If I were to leave and come back, I dont think it would be an option and I would have to switch over to what ever is currently offered or just the 401K.

 

My last job had a pension and a 401k I was able to be refunded all my contributions to the pension and roll the interest that was made off it into the 401k then transfer the 401k into a private company. Might be something to check out if you have quite a bit invested that way its not just sitting idle until you are eligible to receive it.

 

I agree with the sentiment that quality daycare/preschool is a good thing for the social and emotional development of little ones...they hit the ground running when they enter kindergarten.

In my case, I had specific career ambitions and spent a long time in school (PhD); my sense of self worth was deeply entwined with my work and I would have felt a bit defeated if I put my career on hold. I didn't want to end up feeling like I resented my kids, so that was an important factor in the family decision to put them in daycare so I could stay on a meaningful career trajectory. Ultimately, I felt that I could be a better father by having satisfying work and making a contribution to the family finances. I realize this is a very personal decision, but that was my calculus.

In the end, I'm not sure it's so healthy to equate self worth so much with work (as I do/did), so if your self worth doesn't take a hit, and you can swing it, go ahead and enjoy the time with your kids. Lastly, I wholeheartedly endorse the respect that you have for your wife's career ambitions.