Joke of the Day

One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always in
the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, NSW was asked on
a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of
torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause
from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save
just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

 

the shortest fairytale ever:

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl to marry him. She said no and he lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played a lot of golf and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

 

dodged a bullet on that one he did

 

What's the difference between Plaxico Burress and toys made in China?

Toys made in China have less lead in them!

 

^^^ haha ^^^


What did one ass cheek say to the other?

















"Together we can stop this shit"

 

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady he re asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few yea rs, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

Now that the election is over, Sarah Palin is going to do her very best
to show there is no animosity about losing the election.
She has invited both Obama and Biden on a moose hunting trip.
She has already lined up Dick Cheney to teach gun safety and Ted Kennedy
to drive them to their cabins after the pre hunt party....



​

 

Now that is funny!

 

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all
find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter
Heaven. On entering they must present something relating
or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some
Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed
in.

The third man pulls out a pair of silk stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do
these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's."

 

A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The boss is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn’t slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!”

 

Kinda long But, funny

THE ASSIGNMENT

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
offered
by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual
class
assignment.

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a
new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will
pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework
tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You
will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.
The
partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to
the
story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first
person
will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the
e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail The story is
over
when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca
and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.
Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established.
No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
ship's
cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat
and
across the pit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had
ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She
stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her
from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
wistfully!

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined
to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I
have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F-KING TEA??? Oh no,
what
am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle
Steele
novels!"

(Rebecca)

A** Hole.

(Gary)

B*tch.

(Rebecca)

F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)

In your dreams, Ho'. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

 

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, w ith a Barbie-doll figure, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphos.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, ' one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ' I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!'

 

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his
late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Veronica," the man replied.

"Sir, Veronica is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Veronica," he replied.

Just then, Veronica appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
thousand dollars and gave them to Veronica, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man
appeared again, once more demanding to see Veronica. Veronica
explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too
expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Veronica, and they
went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Veronica and they went upstairs.

After their session, Veronica questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "Kansas."

"Really" she said. "I have family in Kansas."

"I know", the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

 

The Mustang Ranch and the $750 billion bail-out.


Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in
Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and trillions of dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

Now if that doesn't make you nervous, what does???

 

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!
Miss Rogers. 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' ​

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job".

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives!

Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fikin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

 

Two medical students are walking down the street when they see an elderly gentleman waddleing rather oddly in their direction. They started to argue as to what his problem was. As the elderly man got near they went up to him and introduced themselves to him and told him they were med students and were trying to figure out what his problem was. The elderly gent asked the first student what he thought the problem was. The student said he thinks it's palsy. The elderly gent said "nope your wrong". He then asked the other med student what he thought. The second student said he believed it was rhuematoid arthritis. The elderly gent said "nope your wrong too". They both inquired as to what his problem was and he told them "I thought it was a fart, but I was wrong"!!!

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than
a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.


He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your
dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your
daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

 

This is for all those military bubbas out there.... i know its long but its funny....


US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT



"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike- riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.

I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

____________________
Signature

____________________
Date



US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT



"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.

I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me so, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"


_____________________
Signature

_____________________
Date




US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT



"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

______________________
Signature

______________________
Date




US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT



"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high- and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill.... fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn.... blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer..... sailors wives.....air strikes.... yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute.... Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

X____________________
Thumb Print

XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks

_____________________
Date

 

That was funny bro!