Dad jokes

Why did the soldier flush the toilet?



Because it was his duty.

 

I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.

 

Y’all hear about the library stopping reservations??


Apparently they’re all booked up.

 

You make that up?

 

I'm not a Dad (not that I know of, anyhow) but yeah.

ObJoke:

Why were the Indians the first people in America?

They had reservations.

 

My dad loves his Great Pyrenees dog…. He said it’s because she has a ‘great pair of knees’

 

I tell dad jokes.






Sometimes he laughs.

 

Is that the moon up there?

I don’t know, I’m not from around here.

 

That might explain why that first joke bombed

 

A little boy was sitting on the sidewalk with a jar of turpentine and praising all of its uses.

The local Priest came upon him, heard him bragging up the turpentine, and exclaimed; “Oh no my son, you should be exalting the benefits of our dear Holy Water!”
“Why, if you were to rub some holy water on an expectant woman’s belly; she’d pass a fine healthy baby boy!”


The wee lad looked up at the Priest and said, “That’s nuthin’.”
“If I was to rub some of this here turpentine on a cat’s ass… he’d pass a motorsickle!!”

 

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover?

 

I’m so O positive about that. I’ll try not to B negative about it.

 

This is an A and B conversation, C your way out.

 

What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!

 

You show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.

 

On a related note...

My parents said I could be anything.

So I became an asshole.

 

(This one takes some thinking).

Ego and Super Ego walk into a bar. The Bartender says, "Sorry Fellas, I need to see some ID."

 

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten
Tickles

 

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere.