Dad jokes

What's the definition of a surprise? A fart with a lump in it

 

My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.

 

You might be a cunning linguist, but I'm a master debater

 

Is an Australian computer network called a LAN down under?

 

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

 

The police asked me where I was between 5 and 6, they were not pleased when I told them Kindergarten.

 

Oof.

 

I thought if you were real good at putting a worm on a fishhook you were a Master Baiter.

 

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I’ll tell you later…

 

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg

 

My doctor prescribed me medicinal marijuana to treat my constipation but it doesn't seem to be helping.

He told me to shit or get off the pot.

 

I failed my Greek History exam. History always was my Achilles' Elbow.

 

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, yeti never complains.

 

I finally got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper at the Dollar Store.

 

You know how geese fly in a V shape but one side of the V is always longer than the other side? Do you know why that is?

There are more geese on that side.

 

And when you attained expert status at caulking, you were known as a Master Beader.

 

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

 

When my therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations, I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

 

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to until she got that restraining order.

 

Did you ever stop to think.....and forget to start again?