Joke of the Day

lol

 

not going back through 51 pages to see if anyone has called this out, but just to be safe. . .
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

 

WHAT a lazy phuck!!!

 

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

 

A Father & Daughter Discussion



A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in Favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other Words redistribution of wealth.



She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the Lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.



One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to Higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to Be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by Asking how she was doing in school.



Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that She was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people She knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends, because she spent all her time studying.



Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, ' Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are Easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'



Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'



The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The Republican party.' If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat I'm all ears.

 

this lady wakes up one morning and tells her husband that she had a dream that she was at an auction for penises.
she says," the biggest ones were going for $1000 and the tiniest ones were $10." the husband replies."what about one like mine?"
'didnt even get a bid", she chuckles.

the husbands pissed! next morning he decides to get even and tells her he had a dream the night before where they were auctioning off vaginas.
'the tightest ones were goin for $1000 and the loosest ones were only $10."
the wife says,"what about one like mine?"
the husband smiles and says,"thats where they held the auction!"

 

a guy walks in to a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,"hey ive been hearing about this viagra. does it really work?"
the pharmacist says,"ya, for a guy like you it should work really good."
"can i get it over the counter?" the guy asks.
" I suppose, if you take enough!

 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

 

life explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

HAHAHA !!! that's a gooder

 

He who laughs last didnt get it

 

The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and,one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
"'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay the Hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
​

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are

authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State

Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."

 

I've seen this before, Dont remember if it was here. Still funny though.​

Anniversaries

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? ​

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. ​

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. ​

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. ​

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. ​

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ​

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, ​

"Why are you down here at this time of night?" ​

The husband looks up from is coffee, ​

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. ​

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. ​

"Yes I do," she replies. ​

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. ​

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" ​

Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. ​

The husband continued. ​

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" ​

"I remember that too" she replied softly. ​

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today." ​

 

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
Sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with
Nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie
Is out in the wind for everyone to see!", he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
Waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... Last week I sat out
Here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
Idea."

________________________

Colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam..
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me.

She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
On a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
Over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........

Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT"

 

95% of all fords made are still on the road today, what happend to the other 5%? those are the ones that made it home