JDMCQ's Garage

well.....We are all in good health....Right?

 

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Last one off the plane must clean it."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]RULES OF THE AIRWAYS[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Was that a landing or were we shot down?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Gravity SUCKS!!
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
[/FONT]

 

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

 

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.[/FONT]

 

Darn newbs...this is the garage not the 'joke of the day' thread!

 

Im just tryin to get things a little less depressing.

 

Unsubbed.

 

Lies!!!!!!!!

 

Sissy.

I was just trying to lighten things up around here!

 

Re subbed

With a SPIDER PIC!??



Unsubbed.