Dad jokes

Out loud & quickly

1. Say: “EYE”

2. Spell: M A P

3. Say: “NESS”

 

The path of inner peace begins with four words:

Not my f#%^ing problem.

 

What was the 1st grade math teacher’s slogan?


“Making the little things count.”

 

Went out to eat yesterday after church, midway through the meal the waiter comes by and says..."I see that your glass is empty,would you like another one?" I said, "No, why in the world would I want two empty glasses?"

 

Happy belated Father's day to all of you dads:

 

Fun Fact: The first living beings intentionally sent into space were fruit flies.

They considered sending a duck, but the bill would have been astronomical.

 

There once was a country who's king was only a foot tall...







He was a terrible king but a great ruler!

 

Prehistoric lifted...

 

An apple a day will keep anyone away...


...if you throw it hard enough.

 

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an elderly Scottish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the old cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the old cop’s expense!

The old Scottish cop says, “License and rrregistrrration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Scottish cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stoop at the stoop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
The old Scottish cop says, “Ye still dinna come to a complete stoop. License and rrregistrrration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Scottish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stoop, ‘tis the law. Noow, license and rrregistrrration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
The old cop says, “Rrright, sounds fair enuf. Get oot of yourrr vehicle, sirrr.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The old cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shite out of the lawyer and says,
“Dae ye want me to stoop or just slow doon?”


GOTTA LUV THE SCOTS!

 

That’s awesome!!!!

 

Like father. Like son-in-paw.

 

What kind of fruit do couples that can't run away and get married eat?

Cantaloupe

 

A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Ceasar...I told him that I would take a stab at it.

 

Dad: I heard on the news that Legally Blonde actress was arrested for stabbing someone; Reese something or other.
Mom: Witherspoon?
Dad: No, with a knife.

 

Where do Mr. and Mrs Cantaloupe send their kids in the summer?

John Cougar's Melon Camp.