Dad jokes

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to
realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

 

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.

"A man and a woman making love in a boat."

He holds up the third picture.

"A man and a woman making love at the beach."

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures. At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."

And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

 

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead while I i give these two a lift.

 

Human resources at the place I work keeps bugging me to sign up for a 401k.

I told them there is no way I'm running that far.

 

As soon as space travel is possible, I am moving from the Milky Way to the Almondmilky Way...I'm galactose intolerant.

 

What happens if you boil a funny bone?


You get a laughing stock.....

 

lol - that will learn me for not flipping back a few pages!

 

Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

 

How do I like my coffee?

The same as my wimmin - black, cold & bitter …

 

Tall, dark and strong

 

Tall, blonde and smooth.

 

Full of booze?

 

Large, sweet, and makes me poop?

 

Ground up and in the freezer.

 

So my wife turns to me and said, "Were you even listening any part of what I was saying?" And I thought, "Wow, that's a weird way to start a conversation.."