Joke of the Day

Three guys walk into a bar....the fourth one ducks.

 

that acutally made me laugh hahaha

 

Short sweet and to the point. Love it. I can actually remember this one and not look like an idiot because I butchered the joke :embarrassed:

 

My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked ..."What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...












" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

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Jesse Jackson was in Sears.
He was there to protest the fact that
Most of the washing machines were white.


So the clerk called the store manager,
Who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?"
Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly
Bemoaned the fact That most of them were white.

The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true
That most of the washing machines are white,
But if you'll open the lids, You'll see that all
The agitators are black."

 

When a woman wears a leather dress…




Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?


Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells like a new Truck.

 

well it just did not work
oh well I tried too many jpegs to cut and paste

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One day a lady from the church had come over and had given a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given.
Mrs. Johnson had said, "Thank you very much but what is it?"
The lady said, "It is a Damn ham."
Mrs. Johnson looked shocked and said, "Don't speak that way to me, don't you know that I am the preachers wife!"
The lady said, "Yes, yes I know, but that is the brand name of the ham!"
Mrs. Johnson said, "ooh I see well thank you" and the lady left.
Later that night when Mrs. Johnson was cooking dinner the preacher came into the kitchen and said, "Mmmm! That smells really good! What is it?"
Mrs. Johnson said," Well thats your dinner tonight, some Damn Ham"
The preacher was shocked and said, "Don't speak to me that way! Don't you know who I am?"
Mrs. Johnson said, "Yes, yes! I know who you are! It is just the brand name!"
The preacher said, "Oh! I see! Well it smells great!"
That night when dinner was ready she had set it out on the table. The corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, and ham!
When the family sat down they said their prayers and began to eat. The preacher said to his wife, "Could you please pass me some of that Damn ham?"
The wife said "sure".
Then little Johnny said, "Alright dad! While you're at it can you pass me the fucking mashed potatoes!"

 

A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.

The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"

 

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

 

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

 

[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly looking woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, she said, “yes, I have your name here: you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION…..BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!![/FONT]

 

What's the best engine in the world??





The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger, self lubricating, handle any size piston, and changes its own oil every 4 weeks. Its a shame that its management system is so tempermental.

 

John was a clerk in a small chemist shop but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Peter, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Peter's warning he sold the man a box of laxative pills and told him to take them all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Peter had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had happened.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. So I substituted laxatives and told him to take them all at once," John said.

"Laxatives won't cure a cough," Peter shouted angrily.

"Sure they will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him! He's too afraid to cough..."

 

^HA! Heard that joke a few times but never so well!

 

A kid walks by a old mans home every day. And the old man is out on the porch.
One day the kid walks by dragging ducktape and the old man says “What the hell are you doing dragging that ducktape”
The kid says I’m going to catch me some ducks!
The old man says “You know you cant catch any ducks with that”
Later that day the kid walks back with a duck all wrapped up in it.
The next day the kid walks by with chicken wire.
The old man says “boy what are you doing with that chicken wire?”
The kid says “Im going to catch me some chickens!!”
The old man is like “……………”
Later that day the kid walks by with a damn chicken trapped in the wire!
So the next day the kid comes strolling by with some pussywillow..
And the old man says “Hold on boy, let me get my hat!!!”

 

An Israeli doctor said, Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said, Thats nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor said, In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.

 

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!!!!!"

 

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"