Joke of the Day

Lmao!

 

How do you sell a chicken to a huy hard of hearing?











you want to buy a chicken?!

 

Damn...... Thats all I have to say........just Damn........

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...





A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

 

http://obamaclock.org/

 

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, "Naaahhh! I already play 4 or 5 times a week."

Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."

Then I thought......Shit, I could win this.

 

The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.



They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,



and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is


completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,


medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way across the top shelf
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:







'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'
​

 

now that was funny right there!

 

A new element was discovered:

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the
heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron,
25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however,
it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium
can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

 

I like that one...

 

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. 'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

'Morris Fishbien,' he replied.

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'

'For about 60 years.'

'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
'I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.'
'I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'

'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'

'Like I'm talking to a f*****' wall.'

 

The Hair Dryer:

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

 

I walked into a Burger King with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She
handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.

===================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said, "Where?"

They Walk among us!

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through aseat
belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

====================

While at a Pizza Hut I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He
appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into
4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces."

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

===================

AND........ they reproduce!

 

Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that
It might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin

 

Child: Hello?"

Father: "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

Child: "No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

Father: After a brief pause, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

Child: "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right
now."

Brief Pause.

Father: "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout
to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

Child: "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

Child: A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I
did it Daddy."

Father: "And what happened honey?" he asked.

Child: "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her
head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

Father: "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

Child: "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all
scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Father: "Swimming pool? ............Is this 486-5731?"

 

It's little Johnny's birthday in a couple of days and he really wants a new bicycle. He goes to his mom and says, "Mom, when we were at Wal-Mart the other day I saw this awsome red bike that I really want for my birthday! Can I have it?" The mom replies, "Johnny, it has been a rough year with the economy and our bills, I don't think that we will be able to afford it this year. I'm sorry honey." So little Johnny sulks out of the kitchen and his dad is just gotten home from work so he tries his luck with him. "Dad with my birthday in a couple of days I was wondering if I could have this awsome bike that me and mom saw at Wal-Mart", Johnny explains. Dad says, "Johnny there is nothing more that I would love to do than to get you that, I just don't think we can swing it my job is not certain and we have a $1000 mortgage payment due that I don't know if we are going to make. I'm sorry buddy" So, dejected, little Johnny mopes around the rest of the evening and goes to bed. The next morning when Dad is leaving for work he sees Johnny walking down the street with his suitcase in tow. Dad yells for Johnny to come back and he asked him what was wrong. Little Johnny replies,"Well last nite I woke up and was comming down to you and mom's bedroom to tell you that I had thought about it and I didn't really need that bike and right when i went to knock on the door i heard you tell mom that you were pulling out and she said that she was comming to and if you think that you guys are sticking me with $1000 mortgage you all are nuts"

Oh yeah and one more quick one for now

Did you hear about the fat eskimo???

He was a husky fucker

 

Subject: FW: Talking Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
house:
"Talking Dog for Sale ." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"That's amazing! So, how long have you been talking?"

The Lab says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty
young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and
in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eaves-dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is blown away. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants

for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.


"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?


And why so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar....

"He never did any of that shit."

 

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail!!"

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

 

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept
people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was
sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her
with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him
anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and
found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside,
got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some
bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it
crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was
a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony
of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the
edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some
maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer.
Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a
refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

 

^lmao^