Dad jokes

I like to tell elevator jokes because they work on many different levels

 

Life tip: it’s not a good idea to throw false teeth at your car. You could denture car.

 

Elevators just don't smell the same to Midgets.

 

Teacher: Jimmy, please use the word "initiate" in a sentence.

Jimmy: Yes ma'am. "My sister ate her dinner initiate a cookie."

 

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

 

During a heavy snow storm my ex wife was staring at the window. I thought “If this keeps up I’ll have to let her back in”.

 

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

 

Q: Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund?

A: Someone told him to "Get a long little doggie."

 

My New Years resolution was to read more.


So I enabled the closed captioning feature on my TV.

 

Two friends are bored and looking for something to do.
One turns to the other and says, "Hey, I just remembered that there is a new place that has the best punch you'll ever drink."

They head to the joint, and the first man yells, "Bartender, two glasses of your best punch!"
Grumbling, the bartender replies, "If you want some punch, you're going to have to get in line like everybody else."

The friends turn and look around, but there's no punch line ....

 

That's the proper reaction intended for a true 'dad joke'. @TartanEagle understood the assignment

 

Stealing this.

 

"Use the forceps, Luke!"
-Obi Gyn Kenobi

 

From 2 up...a girl could be Carly

 

Three guys are sharing a table at a small hotel bar... The first guy trying to strike up a conversation saying I'm a construction manager, I'm Lutheran, my wife is home pregnant, when we have that one I'll have the start of my own basketball team. The next guy opens up and tells them he's Catholic and he's a salesman. He also mentioned his wife is home and pregnant and after that birth, he'll have the starts of a football team when that child is born. The last guy is finishing up his last drink and saying l'm Mormon and a CEO of a large corporation....and all I need is 2 more wives and I can have my own executive golf course and gets up and walks away.