Shop Time w/T.W. Friends

So sorry to hear that Good on you for breaking that chain and not going down that road.

My dad never treated us bad, I'm thankful for that.

 

I have a couple beers on the weekend, but that's it. Not an everyday thing for me.

I sorta have the last laugh though. Dad would always brag about how much money he would make. Last time I saw him I low-key told him I made $30K more than him and that shut him up pretty quick

 

My wife will drink a beer every now and then. I realized I don't have a problem with people drinking, I have a problem with me drinking. I can't drink just 1 or 3, I drink all I have. That is why I had to quit.

 

I realized this morning I need to go have a heart to heart talk with him. Not for him, for me.

This.. go do this for YOU .. and don't wait any longer.

 

I lived your childhood @Delta09 . No child should be subjected to that. I’m sorry that happened to you.

@six5crèéd , I know you said you wanted to do this for you but it’s for his and your relationship’s betterment. Maybe start with how it was with your dad (without judgement) and how you want your relationship w Cole to be different…. Thanks for the opportunity to chime in.

 

Good morning everyone

I hope you have a wonderful day

 

Didnt know my real dad, step dad was, prob still is alcoholic . Never really talked when he was around...after mom passed away (1995) i havent talked to him since. I Dont plan trying to find him...hes better off staying away from me.

But you have a great family. Hes old enough now to appreciate any heart to heart. Even if you think its only for you its for both of you.

 

My dad drank a lot when I was little, he's gotten it under control now. But growing up I learned a lot of behavior from him. Emotions weren't really a thing a man did. Dad had content, or angry.

I am constantly battling with myself not to be that way. It's my first instinct to be angry, but I'm trying to be better.. and to drink less..

Heart to heart talks never happened. Maybe one day..

 

You are not alone. One of my biggest struggles is between content and snapping. I have always struggled with it and when my kids do it it makes me realize where they learn it from. I'm trying to not be that way. One day at a time.

 

I know I say it's for me and I also know we would both benefit from it. It may help him to do some emotional healing as well.

 

I was adopted. The people who adopted me were nice, but she died when I was six. Her husband didn't want me so her grandparents took me in and I started to work on a farm at 6. They were good people and taught me a lot of life lessons. They passed by the time I was 15. They guy who adopted was still legally my father had re-married and she had younger sons. I went to live with them when I was 15 and moved out the exact day I turned 18.
So, I never had a heart to heart talk with anyone because I really didn't have anyone. I just stayed in the background and was largely ignored. I did chores, I stayed mostly out of trouble and I found solutions to my challenges. For example, I played basketball in junior high. I arranged how I would get there and how I would get back to the farm after games. Unfortunately, I walked those seven miles way too often.
I met my wife at 18 (she was 26) and I married her at 20. That was 40 years ago. SHE is who I had my heart to heart talks.

I never had a chance to talk to my Dad about anything. I raised my children the best I could and they turned out much better than me. My wife is my best friend.
Personally, I try really hard not to judge people. If they drink, smoke, preach, screw around, are fat, skinny, pretty, ugly, strong, weak, smart or dumb, it is their life and I am just a guy with my own set of challenges. I learned quickly that I can never "walk a mile in their shoes" so I cannot possibly understand their drive and motivations.

I am a simple man. My son is a man also. Traditionally, men have a tough time opening up to other men, even if they are their dad. I don't know what made your dad do what he did, but it looks like he did a good job with you.

 

Thank you for sharing and saying this. You turned out to be a great man. Just from what I've read, you've done an awesome job with your kids.

I tell my kids don't be like me, be better than me. No matter how good I do, I always feel I can do better.

You are 100% correct in saying men have a hard time opening up to other men, or opening up in general. I find it's getting easier for me to talk to other men but I've not been able to do that with immediate family. I did try with my brother a couple years ago to try and get us back where we once were but he wasn't ready for that and went off on me.

 

It's been taught for generations men don't have feelings and shouldn't talk about it. Well dammit we have feelings and want and should express them!

 

Our 11 year old son will talk to my wife and tell her anything. He is very hesitant to talk to me about serious stuff. He and I did have a good talk Sunday out in the shop though and he's left me a note on my dresser the last two mornings which means the world to me.

 

Men are supposed to be strong and tough, and while we can be, we are just as vulnerable. I think society is just barely starting to catch onto this.

 

I've seen my dad with tears in his eyes twice my entire life. Once was when he was getting ready to have a back surgery and he was in so much pain laying in the bed and he didn't know I could see him. The other was when his sister was in the hospital with heart trouble. That's it.

I'm not like that, I'll tear up or cry anywhere, I was tearing up on the way to work this morning while thinking about going to talk to him.

Cole is like me and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

Here is what I think...
Men, traditional men, were taught to be hunters and warriors, take care of the weak and the young and old, and do so with dignity and silence. Maybe that is changing, I do not know, or care to know, as I consider myself a man. Some might define me as "toxic masculinity" in today's world.

I am wearing new shoes today. They are Merrells. I get between nine months to a year out of them. They cost $64. I always get the same shoes, just a different shade of tan/brown/grey.
Why am I mentioning my new shoes? Because, in my life there is always a constant drama and chaos going on around me. Whether it be challenges at work, somebody is sick or stressed in my small circle of immediate family or friends, someone having made a bad decision, etc. Complicated world, technology, Artificial Intelligence, politics, immigration and the debt. With all that happening in our lives and all over the world, my small "win" for the day is I am wearing new, crisp, clean comfortable shoes. A small win, but a win is a win. I retreat to my shop to escape and think, and build stuff. Some nights I just sit and sharpen something (knife, blade, chisel) and my mind is a million miles away. Sometimes I come up with solutions, sometimes I daydream about tomorrow, but I do it alone. My wife understands and has zero problems with it.
My first 35 years of my marriage was a whirlwind (college, jobs, travel, kids, getting their adult life started, etc) but over the past five years I have taken back control of my life and am able to take a breath and reflect on the past and contemplate the future. You are not there yet I know. You are in the whirlwind!
If I could go back 20 years and tell my 40 yo self something, it would simply be "Take a few minutes every day to take a breath, calm yourself and work out the best plan to go forward."
Looking back, I was always reacting to life, never proactively managing my life. That's the only thing I would do different.
Now, we did actually manage to plan and make some good decisions back in the day. My wife retired at 59 1/2 because of those good decisions. But damn, what a tornado of a life.

 

There’s a lot you can do about snapping.

First of all, know you don’t ever plan on snapping.

Rather than a list here, I’d encourage you to google ‘strategies to stop snapping’. Read at least several results and see what resonates with you.

It’s something I know you can get a handle on

 

Spoiler

<< Rusty, still stuck in "the silent generation"...