Adult Child... living back at home :(

wow. if he'd rather spend time in jail than do a little community service i have a feeling he'll end up being a lifer. i cant imagine rather spending my life in prison tahn getting a job

 

That reminds me of a friend of mine that was a Attorney General for years. Anytime I would say something like, "I can't understand how someone can do that!" He would then remind me that I don't think like 'they' do! Thank God for that!!!

ND, I know you are thankful!

 

Thanks for the thoughts everyone.
I didn't think anyone was still following along .

Yeah, I don't think the 'what's next' is ever going to go away.
I don't see this kid making an improvement any time soon and sad to say I don't see it ever happening. I also don't see his Dad saying no the next time the kid comes asking for help and that's the part that upsets me.

So, I'm not looking forward to our next conversation about what's next.

I agree 100%...Before he spent that last year in prison I always said he was going to end up there and then keep going back.
Then after seeing how his attitude was while he was in prison for a year I knew he would go back and I gave it 6 months to a year. I told his Dad that and why I felt that way, I think he sees it also, but doesn't want to believe it.


He was violating his terms of parole in the 1st week he was out, simple things like his curfew . His attitude was the PO did his surprise visit already so he won't be back the following day or the day after to check on him again. I told his Dad if he couldn't follow the simple rules then what makes him think he is going to follow any rules at all.
I also asked "how are you going to feel if he gets picked up for violating parole for being out after curfew and goes back to prison" cause I know his Dad blames himself, but he said "he's an adult, if he doesn't follow the rules then that's on him" and I said "then he should be taking care of himself and not living in your house". I told him it wasn't right that he was sitting at home every night wondering and worried if his kid was going to be the next kid killed or if he was going to get a call from the jail.
Well...after that the kid was home every night by curfew and shortly after that he was finding a new place to live.

 

good on you for standing up and speaking your mind. And good on your BF for listening and respecting those opinions.

He sounds like a grade A kind of kid.

 

wait i'm confused, i thought he was going back to jail but you said he's finding another place to live. do you mean jail?

 

I know around here, so cal, some guys will commit a crime just to go to jail for a roof over their head and some food.............

 

Sorry...he lasted about a week with us which was about a month ago, then found another place to live (with friends he had before his year in prison)...then last week turned himself into the court and asked to serve time instead of work to pay off his fines. So right now he is serving a month in the city jail...I don't know what's going to happen when he gets out of there.

Yup, I'm sure that's going to be him at some point. His attitude was that prison wasn't so bad , guess when you don't want to do anything for yourself you don't mind being locked up.

My ex-brother in law was in and out of jail since he was a teenager, every time he got out he only lasted about a month before he was going back. He would commit crimes and try to get caught then fight with the cops for more serious charges and violate his parole so he could go back to jail. He said himself he didn't know how to function in society and would spend the rest of his life in jail. This kid is heading down the same path in life.

 

Wow, this thread made me sad.

I too have put my life on hold to try to spare someone from hitting rock bottom.

The problem is that the person you are trying to help does not understand that it is costing you personally- and they certainly don't appreciate it.

If you are able to help them be functional for a short period it does not help, because they will just crash again once left to their own devices.

I am glad that your situation did not end up messing up your life too much!

All the best!

 

That ^^ right there is what pisses me off the most, absolute unappreciative and on top of that the disrespect.
I had it hard growing up and I learned quickly to take care of myself, I couldn't imagine asking for help then not bending over backwards to pay my dues and show how much it meant to me.

Thanks.

 

Foxy, did he have a hard life growing up or did he just hang with the wrong crowd? Just curious (if you said it already, I apologize)

 

just please tell me he's not moving back in with you and your man

 

Well IMO, he didn't have a terrible childhood...while it wasn't the best it could have been a lot worse. My childhood was far worse than his and my sister and I turned out fine.
His mom was a drug addict during his early teenage years, so his dad spent a lot of effort trying to get her straightened up and that took a lot of attention for the kid, but he was still cared for, he wasn't abused or neglected. Actually, he was spoiled to make up for the lack of time/attention he was receiving. He's been acting out since he was 12/13 years old, they tried counseling and he was put into youth offender programs. He was kicked out of a lot of schools for fighting and disrespecting teachers. So he was tested for learning disabilities and he's fine, just doesn't try. He's been in just about every jail out here, juvi, city, county and state since he was 14 or 15, but they are all so overwhelmed they always just gave him a lessor sentence or dropped the charges.
He didn't have many friends in school, the ones he did where also 'bad kids' cause he met them in the alternative education program or while ditching school and doing drugs. He still doesn't have many friends, 1 off/on girlfriend and I can only guess the others are people he was doing drugs with. He hasn't held down a job for more than a few months, so he never makes friends there.
Basically he can't handle someone/anyone telling him what to do, his dad, teachers, bosses, jail bootcamp instructors, etc...so he does fine in prison where he's just part of a crowd with nothing really expected of him. Which is why it was 'easy' and 'not a big deal' to him and that's why I believe he will keep going back.

I sure hope not, cause I really don't think I could handle it again. I haven't been told that he is, it's just a bad feeling I have. His girlfriend is still standing by him, so I guess he will be going back with her...but how long is that going to last is my concern.
Also, he's supposed to go live with his mother in another state once he gets off parole, I doubt he will want to now but that gives him another option than coming back with us. We both don't want him and he doesn't want to live with us, but for some reason he always ends up back .

 

you've been more than fair and supportive of you man, i say its time to put your foot down. but thats just me, you seem to be way more gracious than i am

 

Wow, I agree with you.

 

Can't say I don't agree and that others haven't said the same thing, so you're right.

yeah I agree and this was discussed already, but thanks.

 

Didn't notice the thread date, sorry.

 

Not a problem at all, thanks for reading it.

 

Hey Foxy, I know it's been a while, but how did things turn out? I don't want to stir anything up, but I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

 

What are the terms of release? If he screws up does he go back to jail? Get the parole officers number and hold it over his head it's a good threat. I hate to say this but I work for a jail (electronics tech) and most of the time I see the same ones back including my brother who is doing life in prison on the installment plan he has been out for 3 month and is back to drinking if he tests positive back he goes for four more years he's 51 hasn't learned yet. You'll need a zero tolerance program with no exceptions and your BF needs to agree with your demands.

 

Have to agree. Cut him off. Give him a chance or two if you must, but he is now adult and its time to man up for his life, regardless of what got him here.
He will decide to smarten up when he is ready, not before, and no amount of love/patience/forgiveness/therapy/incarceration will change that. If that means he has to strike rock-bottom, however bad that may be, then so be it. Its the only way. Other wise all you have is a user who will continue on this path.
Its all about choices. Personally I don't know why parenting has to be terminal illness. You aren't responsible for this person forever, so cut the apron strings.
Ultimately we are each responsible to and for ourselves and no one else.
IOW *#^% the little &(!@%