Joke of the Day

Yup, Uranium 235 bombarded by neutrons turns into Barium, Krypton(?), 3 neutrons (to carry on the chain reaction) and a whole lot of energy in the form of an explosion.

 

new term known as 'Lesbionics'....

1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time
Because they can't eatJenny Craigwith Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

8. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even thepool tabledoesn't have balls.

9. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

10. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

11. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

12. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
100 people that don't do dick.

 

Four Catholic Men And A Catholic Woman

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh - My - God."

 

The Difference Between Small Breasts And Large Breasts
Women With Big Breasts…
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the centre of the arts
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women With Small Breasts…
..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

 

[FONT=Arial,sans-serif] Splinters in Her Crotch .
>
>
> A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
>
> She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
> Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due toObama-Care they turned you down."[/FONT]

 

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again !

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts".....no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

"Loons and Moons".....forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.


​

 

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD ​

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. ​

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. EST ​

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. ​

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! ​

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. ​

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful! ​

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] ​

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. ​

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. ​

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). ​

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! ​

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi, ​

Alex ​

 

haha that's awesome.

 

Wow. Never try anything on that guy!!!

 

damn

 

Doctors stated that the actor, Charlie Sheen, overdosed on cocaine earlier today. He had snorted more than enough to kill any man. In fact, they felt it was enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

 

ATD - at the doctors.
BFF - best friend fell.
BTW - bring the wheelchair.
BYOT - bring your own teeth.
...FWIW - forgot where I was.
GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA - got heartburn again.
IMHO - is my hearing aid on.
LMDO - laughing my dentures out.
OMMR - on my massage recliner.
OMSG - oh my! sorry, gas.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTML - talk to me louder!

 

A young woman goes to her Doctor's' office, afraid of the strange development on the inside Of her thighs . . A green spot on the inside of Each.

"They won't wash off, they Won't scrape off and they seem to be getting Worse."

The doctor Assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her Not to worry until the tests come Back.

A few days Later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the Doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the Spots.

The doctor Says, "You're perfectly healthy.. There's no problem. But, I'm Wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman Stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his Earrings are not real gold."

 

The Dept of Defense briefed the President this morning:They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan. .
To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his
hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked,
'Just how many is a brazilian?'
This is not surprising, since he obviously has no realistic understanding of
billion or trillion either.

 

Nice rehashing of a George W. joke.

 

But this time it's funny.

 

>
> THE COYOTE
>
>
>
> California:
>
> The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
>
> A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
>
> 1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
>
> 2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
>
> 3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
>
> 4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
>
> 5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
>
> 6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
> "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
>
> 7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the
> world.
>
> 8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
>
> 9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
>
>
> TEXAS:
>
> The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and before it attacks his dog.
>
> 1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
>
> 2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
>
> And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

 

Or it could be the massive oil reservoir that's under Texas.

 

that may have something to do with it

 

Financial planning.....


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.










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