Dad jokes

Do you know the difference between a Ford and a tampon?




The tampon comes with its own tow-rope.

 

Stealing this.

 

Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
The Second Hand store

 

What killed Captain Hook?



Jock itch.

 

Girl places an ad in the paper looking for a boyfriend

"Looking for a guy who won't beat me, won't run out on me and must be a good lover."

Next day the doorbell rings, she opens the door to find an armless man in a wheelchair. He says he is there about her ad. She is a bit skeptical, but he points out that since he is in a wheelchair he can never run out on her and with no arms can't beat her.

She thinks a second then asks, " But what kind of lover are you". He replies "How do you think I rang the doorbell."

 

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 91 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

 

People think grass doesn’t get wet in the morning but it dew.

 

Whenever I hang out with Spanish speaking people I try to say mucho as often as possible. They say it means a lot.

 

What do you call a turtle with a spatula?

A slow cooker.

 

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

 

what do you call a gull that fly's over the bay?

A bagel

 

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe idiot