Joke of the Day

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what
are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose

 

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
call for me?"

The man replies "No; what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and
you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.

 

Bob hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown."

"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"

 

That ones good....

 

THE BUFFALO THEORY OF DRINKING

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on The
sitcom CHEERS. One afternoon at CHEERS, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well, ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as

fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine."

"That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

^^
nice

 

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Japanese but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

 

^^

 

It was actually a Canadian destroyer (rowboat) and they threw in the lighthouse "thingie" in an act of deperation as they were rowin' their asses off

 

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

Women . . . they think of everything!!!!

 

[FONT=&quot]'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's
hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them
logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'[/FONT]

 

TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their
carts around Home
Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight
white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says,

"Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."